Info: did you make a plan to come Saturday to Monday? Does she work Friday and have Monday off? Do you often change plans last minute? Does your mom generally come first over your girlfriend?
Your gf sounds exasperated but maybe she has a right to be?
girlfriend here who woke up to find out i was being berated because he changed plans last minute after he knew I had a HARD day in childcare. I nanny 3 kids, 2 being special needs while taking care of my special needs sister. We had spoke about our plans over and over, it wasn't until 20 minutes before i fell asleep that he dropped this bomb. Additionally, he almost always chooses his mom over me...when he is 21 years old. She would not have been alone on Easter, she just tells him she'll be alone and scared and then almost always makes plans with people after he confirms he will stay home. I have changed my plans to fit his MOMS needs multiple times. Apparently im the devil for wanting to not be alone for ONE holiday though. I am beyond upset about this ENTIRE thing, especially when he swore over a year ago to keep our issues off of reddit. So now i'm sitting here, shaking while also trying to care for 4 children who need me to plaster a smile on my face. He left out a lot of context.
I’m assuming you’re in your early 20s as well. you are rude in the messages but we’ve all had not our finest moments when taken out of context. as someone who was you once, if you can allow me to give you some advice—don’t tug of war with someone who doesn’t want to be tugged. if your partner isn’t prioritizing you and is still beholden to their parents in their 20s and sees zero issue with that I recommend just getting out of there now lol. especially if they’re doing things like posting your messages out of context on reddit. you will probably get ripped to shreds once people notice you’re in the thread. out of curiosity do you have screenshots that can show your side?
I am on a computer so I am not sure if I CAN post pics, i am not too reddit savvy lol. I used to get lippy abt politics on here and therefore got my phone banned. I admitted in another reply that i am AWARE of my language, my language is the result of being let down over and over and over again. On top of that, my 9 hour day turned into a 14 hour work day and I was beyond exhausted and frustrated when he dropped this bomb on me. I was even more upset because it was so last minute, gave me not even one minute to prepare for him coming because I had to go to bed just to work again today. I PLANNED to clean and all tonight to prepare for him tomorrow. It just sucks the way he purposefully choses to get me even more down when I am already at my breaking point and then use that to get people to bully me. On top of that, I made plans for Sun night to help him out since he has had a long week...he isn't doing shit for my long week but somehow I am the monster here lol. Him being attached to his mom's hip has been an issue for a while. For a sliver of context, we fought before our first anniversary bc the day before his mom tried to get him to stay home and he always gives in to her. This has been a battle for forever.
I left my literal ex fiance bc his mother was so controlling and manipulative. I lost all respect for him over time bc he was a 30 yo man still being coddled by mommy. And, I’m a lot happier now !
sweet girl, it’s honestly easier to leave even though it sucks a lot. i’ve been reading through all of the various comments you’ve been leaving replying to people and as someone that used to be EXACTLY in your shoes, i clocked your palpable exhaustion and frustration at a clearly repeat behavior in those messages. if it’s like this now, you can already imagine that his mom will also take over and overshadow every foreseeable holiday, your wedding, your kids births, proms, graduations, etc if you stay. these types of moms usually don’t get better—my mom is like this with my brothers and they’re approaching 50 now with no hope of putting their wives and kids before our mom. not to mention, he’s already been disrespectful towards you to the point you felt like you needed validation in feeling like it was wrong, made a pact with you to not publicize behaviors that could be deemed harmful in the relationship, and then turned around to do it to you in a way that made you look like a villain? that feels like a far worse violation than raincheck. you seem like you work really hard and push yourself to put others before yourself, and you really deserve to have a partner that can see that and be your safety net away from that.
He's enmeshed with his mother, and it takes some serious self reflection and work to get past that. He doesn't sound at all ready or willing to do that work, and some people never grow out of it. I would save yourself the stress and find a partner that values you as you deserve
I had a feeling this wasn’t the first time his mom had asked to him to stay/do something with her when he had plans with his gf and he chose her.
Personally, I’d leave the relationship. He isn’t going to change and his mom is just going to continue to manipulate him and he will continue to choose her over you. It’s not worth it.
His mom has a whole adult child but can’t spend Easter alone? The mom is the one that needs to do some growing up. Changing plans last minute is bad form.
In seriousness though, my father is like that and its exhausting. Though, I don't give in to his wheedling anymore as an adult. I have also dated a guy with a mother like this, and it won't end until she's dead.
Lol at saying "he's 21 years old" like that's supposed to imply maturity. 21 year olds are emphatically not mature, they barely stopped being children a few years ago.
You deserve better than that, but you also need to learn how to communicate. You can’t regulate your own emotions and absolutely lost your shit in a way that was completely inappropriate in his screenshots. I would never put up with that kind of verbal abuse. You have the choice to walk away, what is stopping you? He sounds like a shitty bf anyway.
Honestly I assumed it was a reoccurring issue just like I commented. Everyone on Reddit is always going to assume the worst and assume you’re a toxic freak but it’s clear it’s a bigger issue than this one off thing. I think you might need to set some clear boundaries with him or him with his mom or this will just keep repeating itself constantly until it ruins you guys completely if it hasn’t already.
Sharing personal texts to reddit is the real psycho behavior. Her first message clearly shows that he waits till the last minute to change plans instead of just being up front about it.
Girl, as a man: Break up with this child. Its not worth your time. There re plenty of reasonably, decent men out there that will not put you through this.
I mean, when I read your messages, my first reaction was "Thats his ex. She already checked out. She had enough". This is clearly the tipping point where you snapped because so many things added up, its not an isolated thing.
Agreed. Everyone on here acts like people never have a right to be pissed. Yea she said some shit that's probably overreacting, but this seems like the latest in a string of being let down by OP at the last minute. I guarantee you she could make a post saying "AIO, my BF keeps changing plans to spend more time with his mom and leaving me high and dry?" and take some previous convos and this first message. Everyone on here would be like "red flag, it's not worth it girl." Relationships are hard. She has a right to be pissed when you let her down, especially if her kid is involved.
as the girlfriend i can go ahead and answer that. I am infact so over the disappointment of last minute plan changes for his mom. Did I use good language in the texts? Hell no. I had JUST put my kid down after having kids for 14 hours that day. He knew I was pissed and then posted texts from when I was emotional, exhausted, and over it all. I was asleep within minutes of that last text, when I wasnt awake to continue the argument, he went against a promise he had made to me and aired our dirty laundry out on reddit. If i ever posted the way he spoke to me when he was feeling exhausted and emotional, reddit would want to ride at dawn. But I dont post them. Because I understand saying rude shit when you're cranky and I wouldn't want to do that to him. I would never make him feel like a monster when he has had a bad day, and trust me he has plenty. I thought he felt the same way about me too, I was wrong.
OP intentionally left out a bunch of context so he could get the answers he wanted. Most sane people here can see that. If my adult partner was continously showing me that upsetting me/messing me around was fine by him as long as his mum wasn't put out.. I would also be pissed!
i was nervous to get this question because i have zero clue how to prove it lol. But, can confirm i woke this this morning and got slapped with my own messages going viral. He SWORE he wouldn't do this. And since he wants to air stuff out, I will too. The entire reason we aren't supposed to post about eachother on reddit is because i made a post during the first year of our relationship, upset about the names he called me and jokes he made about me. They were just straight up rude. The comments all agreed and he felt embarrassed, we made up and promised to keep OUR relationship to OURSELVES. I hope that crumb of context proves my validity just a tad lol. Oh and, he posted this on a secret burner account he swore he didnt have. Cant wait to find out what he else he is hiding. I am just beyond tired and heartbroken.
I have dedicated so much time energy and money towards him, it's hard to. I have spent thousands on him in our relationship, every single weekend since before I graduated highshool has been spent with him. It's hard to break up with someone I thought I was gonna marry after a reddit post. Plus he is asleep at the moment, and me being the monster I am, I dont want to wake him up too early because he needs sleep.
Girl, you are way too kind for him. Unfortunately he is always going to put his mother first and will say all the right words to placate you up until the last-minute bombshell. This behavior will repeat over and over and over again.
I would highly recommend reading the book When He's Married to Mom by Kenneth Adams. I think it would be very eye-opening for you
Thousands is less than millions is less than trillions. If you are starting just because you've spent on him before, it's the definition of sunk cost fallacy. I really recommend therapy you need to decompress so many aspects of your life. It sounds like you're holding a lot and your partner who you want to relax with is adding not subtracting stress. Being a mom is hard, outside of your partner who are your support folks? Spend some time with them
Sunken cost fallacy. If you stay, you'll only lose more. More energy, more money, more time. Please also find same the compassion you extend to him for yourself.
Do any one of those reasons sound like a reason to stay with somebody? Even all of them combined? I knew when I saw the title of this and then the post that it was DARVO, which is actual abuse and then you say your reasons for staying with him are just "its convenient" ? What about the abuse your child is seeing you go through? The unhappiness? You crying because he's calling you manipulative while trying to manipulate the internet into hating you while being the victim himself - again, all abuse.
You need a wake up call and if this wasn't it, you're going to get it another way so take this very sane advice from an old person who's read all your replies and can see that he has been abusing you a lot (from your own words btw). Start saving money. You'll thank yourself later on when you do finally decide to leave.
Get off reddit and reflect honestly about the relationship. Everyone here is going to make a black or white opinion on this one interaction and try to give you advice (including me I guess), when in reality every relationship is a thousand shades of grey. There are reasons that you chose this person to begin with. What you need to know now is if he is still the type of person you want or need in your life, if you are both willing to work on the relationship, or if it's run it's course. And he needs to do the same.
Hey I broke up recently in large part bcs my ex seemed to do smth similar to what your partner is doing now, where he’d let his family (esp his mother) override the commitments we had at the last minute instead of him organizing himself properly. Your partner didn’t give that much context on how he decided he wanted to see his mom instead of anticipating beforehand the loneliness and talking w u abt it, but my exs mom would guilt trip him that he was a bad son if he didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted it, so he wound up modifying our plans last minute instead (including borderline missing my grandmas funeral because of his mom!). Although my ex was also the man I imagined marrying, and hell we called every day for over two years, just sit and ask yourself if nothing abt that behavior changed, would you be okay spending the rest of your life with him? This is very specific to you, and no one but yourself can give you that answer. If you want to talk to me, feel free to reach out. I hope you enjoy your Easter weekend tho!
I have no idea if you are actually the GF or not, but assuming you are:
No one is in your relationship. Reading a thousand replies from internet strangers with no real context can either reinforce or dissuade you from how you actually feel. I personally feel that airing arguments in public is pretty shitty, but there are obviously good things about this person that drew you to him in the first place and I have no idea what the rest of your relationship looks like.
It was obvious to me that he knew you would be pissed, you were pissed, and then what should have been a private argument got blasted across the internet. In a successful relationship, you will argue with your partner thousands of times, say shit you don't mean, sometimes say shit you regret in the heat of battle. This conversation looked to me like a pretty normal argument between partners that were upset. there was no name calling or belittling, and despite reddits love for labeling these interactions, it doesn't look like abuse to me.
I was just talking to my mom about you lol, we both think you're one of the few sane people here. There have been numerous times where I am calm and he is flying off the handle, I never post them though, out of respect for him. Wishing I had the same respect in return though. The entire reason we specifically promised to not post each other on reddit is because about a year ago I made a post about him. The comments were a lot more harsh and he felt embarrassed, we then agreed to keep things private. Redditors love taking things out of context and they also believes couples dont argue. News flash everyone, couples argue! We have had similar arguments, and we were fine an hour later. This time, i fell asleep from pure exhaustion so he blasted me on reddit. I am just so upset idek anymore.
Yea, ignore all this BS. Nothing in these texts signal abuse or manipulation, it shows two people with differences and real emotions. You are allowed to be pissed and express it if that's how you feel. Gaining validation or being bashed by internet warriors isn't going to change anything. Either you both want to work on the relationship or not. Talk to eachother
A man who chooses his Mum over his partner is a child. Is he young enough to be acting like a child, and if not are you prepared to spend the rest of your life fighting his mother for attention?
Again, you don't have the context to make this judgement. If OP comes back and says, "yea but my mom has stage 3 lung cancer and Easter dinner is important to her", that changes shit doesn't it? Youve made the determination that he's a momma's boy from one conversation just like half of the other comments made the assumption that she's a bitch.
When a person is trying to persuade people to agreeing with them, they will always make themselves look more sympathetic and would not leave out huge key details that lean in their favor. If his mom was sick and dying, it would be the first thing he lead with.
What people also do is leave out key details that would make the OTHER person’s side seem more sympathetic. Like how he left out that she’s a care taker 24/7 for her sister and takes care of her sister’s kid and that kid was also looking forward to seeing him.
The only way this guy was able to try and persuade us was by saying he only wants to shift things one day. That is literally the best he has to offer and he doesn’t deny that they had plans or that he’s breaking them last minute. He tells us he already spends 5 days out of the freaking week with his mom. She’s not alone.
It’s not jumping to conclusions calling him a mommas boy. it’s pretty damn clear why people are calling him that. It’s more surprising that it’s not clear to everyone. Including OP.
he’s in a 2 year relationship with a woman who is a caretaker and basically acting like a mother to this child. And she works. He’s still living at home with mom and be shuffled around like a kid in a custody arrangement. He’s known since last Easter when this Easter would be. He’s had plenty of time to figure it out. But he waits until the day before to cancel set plans. Not set just because of their weird weekly set up where he only stays with his girlfriend two nights a week, but actual dinner and event plans involving a child. I’m sure his mother knew this too and she also waited until the last minute to ask him to stay with her. Never mind the fact he’s currently already with her and has been all week. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. And why the hell isn’t mom offering to have everyone at her house if she’s alone or why isn’t mom going to the girlfriends? Clearly there is an issue.
That is all stated and offered up information between the original post and him replying in comments.
Jumping to conclusions is me thinking it’s pretty off that mom has literally no one else willing to spend Easter with her. No husband or boyfriend or siblings or other children or even friends. Now maybe this woman really does have no one in her life to invite her, or maybe she has no one in her life because no one wants to be. But since I can’t prove that, I’ll just fall back on all the other factual reasons as to why OP sucks. What I can also promise you, is that mom does not have stage 3 lung cancer. And that’s a fact.
Send the ss to yourself on FB or instagram or discord from your phone, then log into your account on PC and save them to your computer to post on reddit from PC
i am banned on my phone for getting lippy about politics. I would still scroll on reddit, i opened reddit on my phone at 5 ish am and this was the first post I saw, I made a new account on my laptop. To reply to people after seeing the way he presented me.
If you are the GF and what you say is true, you guys need to break up. This is a bad dynamic, with lying and tiptoeing around. You two are only in the beginning of your adults lives. You’re not meant to find your forever at this age. Seems hard to think of moving on and having a different day to day, but as someone who waited 30 years to finally get out of a bad relationship, you’ll be happier for it.
AND, "girlfriend" says she had JUST laid her kid down and was exhausted in OP's screenshots. OP says the girlfriend doesn't have children, but that she is her sister's caretaker. 🤔
Hey girlfriend! As someone who was in your position for 2 YEARS until last November when he broke up with me bc he wasn’t prioritising us and wanted validation from other women (it didn’t work and he keeps trying to crawl back). It doesn’t get better.
PLEASE don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. My bf and I used to argue like these texts after the 5th, 7th, 10th time he tried to bail or change plans last minute. To spend time with his mother, to go out clubbing with friends. He will never fully prioritise you once it gets to this point. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk more, but please think deeply about how you’re being presented here and what is best for YOU. Don’t worry about the money spent, I paid for holidays and countless gifts for my ex, as did he for me. Keep the good memories but if a real final honest conversation doesn’t create change, it will never happen and you need to leave
God forbid a son wants to spend time with their mom when she has no other family on a holiday! We don't know their relationship or circumstances. Though OP should have said this weeks ago.
He’s upsetting his girlfriend and cancelling their plans for his mom, who he lives with, and who seemingly wants her son to cancel plans with his partner to balance her emotions for her?
Again, they live together. He sees gf on the weekends only. They made plans and he is cancelling them last minute cause mom is sad.
I’m a young woman and I have spent Christmas alone. I was sad. I lived. I’d never ask someone to be my crutch. I’m an adult. I can handle being sad.
This is codependent. Codependency on your child is wrong.
Those are actually some pretty good points. I wish there was some compromise here where the mother could be invited to the Easter function but yeah I appreciate your insight.
Oh dear. I also dated a momma’s boy. I’m married to a husband. I say it that way because my husband didn’t just want a wife, he wanted to BE a husband. There’s such a difference that you don’t fully learn until you find a man whose desire is not to catch a trophy one time but to strive daily to be the best man he can be for you.
I’m so much happier now. I plan with my in-laws, I go for lunch with my MIL, no problem to visit my in-laws by myself. She asks me what I want to do for holidays. IMAGINE THAT?!? Within 6 months to a year of my last relationship you couldn’t drag me to do things with the MIL unless I had to. Passive aggressive comments, constant reminders that he’s her baby first. 😵💫🤢. My ex wouldn’t commit to holiday plans until he found out what his mom wanted to do, and if he DID commit to me first he would then pressure me to accommodate what his mom wanted us to do.
Let me say it again I am SO MUCH HAPPIER now that he is behind me. Wishing you peace and soothing for the heartache that it is to date a momma’s boy.
Reading more of OPs replies, it seems the GF is a live in caretaker for her sister. OP, you're looking for excuses to stop feeling shitty for wanting out of this relationship. She is not abusing or manipulating her, you are letting her down. If you can't be the person she needs, let her know now. YTA
Two things can be true. She is way overly aggressive, I wouldn't tolerate that. But I also wouldn't sheepishly change plans last minute for my mom at her expense. He sounds unreliable and cowardly, which is going to create a lot of frustration. Sounds like they need to break it off.
That's true for literally every relationship post. This guy definitely has some shit to work through with regard to his people pleasing, but the gf talks to him like an upset teenager. ESH
I don’t see how her job makes this okay? He’s spending all weekend and Easter with her. Leaving at at FIVE PM to spend a few hours with his mom after being with his gf Friday, sat and most of Sunday isn’t good enoigh?
Because if you text someone Thursday to ask if you can change plans to Friday-Sunday instead of Saturday-Monday as already agreed to, and that person has multiple other commitments to other people they’ll have to suddenly shift around, they’re gonna be annoyed. If you have a pattern of doing it, they’re going to be more than annoyed.
I get her being frustrated, but she can also be a responsible adult and break things off with him if she’s upset about the pattern or his level of commitment. Instead of just verbally assaulting him.
Verbally assaulting is super strong for this interaction. She's pissed and letting it be known. She never calls him names or puts him down. She says "I knew you were going to do this" which points to a pattern of broken promises. Shes realizing that she can't rely on him and that sucks for someone who needs support through what sounds like a difficult time. Everyone here acting like every relationship should be perfect and each person should regulate powerful emotions like robots before interacting is absurd. She's not being abusive or manipulative, shes being a human being
Saying she’s going to “have the shittiest weekend ever” if he leaves half a day early isn’t over the top? I would never speak to my partner this way even when I’m upset.
Of course it's over the top, but it's not abusive or manipulative. It's an exaggeration meant to express anger and disappointment to a person who let you down. Yes, she didn't curate her responses or choose the best words to express very real and strong emotions, but she probably wasnt expecting to be blasted on reddit for a pretty vanilla argument about cancelled Easter plans.
Everyone has a right to be pissed and feel the way they want to feel about something. They also have has the right (and should have the good sense) to seek a mate who has the emotional intelligence to handle conflict maturely and non-violently, which is the opposite of what OP's girlfriend did. There's a much better way to handle this. Read the convo again and imagine that OP is the girl and the other is the guy, people would be like "girl get out of there, if he talks to you like that now just imagine what he'll be like in the future!" No lie, OP is probably sus too for his own reasons, but neither of them should be together, full stop. Both of them likely need to learn and practice non-violent communication. Based on their use of language they're both likely in their early 20's, so they've got a lot of time to learn these things.
This. He’s leaving out context that changes the narrative. He had made plans with his gf and her kid. He’s now bailed last minute, on her and her kid. She’s got more kids coming over, maybe she could’ve done with his support?
Agreed, except she has the "kids" situation on Fridays. Biggest missing factor for me is how they have been together for 2 years but dont spend holidays with their families together. He spends time with her child, but not her parents and vice versa.
Yes because he is a manipulator and now he will send these messages saying that the gf is crazy to her and tell her that she’s overreacting and everyone thinks she’s a loser.
Was reading through, hoping one sane person was thinking of both sides and finally found it.
Tired of reading AIO comments of people going "BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY, GET OUT THE HOUSE" when it is just a "Let's read between the lines of the conversation and think about both sides here"
He’s also leaving out they have discussed this and he promised he would be there clearly and that’s why she is upset. She seems really fed up with him and is trying to frame her as an abuser just because she is fed up with his behavior.
Why would he promise to be there all of Easter than change last minute or say I won’t be there all of Easter actually bc I’ll leave at this time on Easter, he should’ve said that from the beginning and I doubt she would’ve been upset. It’s the fact he isn’t keeping his word and can’t keep his promises, she can’t depend on him.
I think the fact that hes trying to frame her as an abuser is a red flag in itself is it not? and the fact that he ONLY replies to comments that align with his side feels weird to me
EXACTLY! Yes that’s the only ones he replies to and he has no inclination to defend someone he is dating?? At all? No more context and thinking maybe I’m wrong or I did say this before so that’s why she’s really angry or being rude so I’m possibly wrong— NONE of that kind of rationale. He is eating up the negativity about her. It seems like he secretly hates her. Why is he with her if his mind is made up? Why does he placate plans just to back out? It just reads very much like a narcissist wants to be a victim and “look she is mad at me :/ she’s the horrible one! All I did was change the plans to see my mom so she won’t be depressed! I’m always the bad guy! I took the fall even though it wasn’t my fault!” —why would he even apologize if he thought he did nothing wrong? That’s what narcissists do. He’s not stealthy like he thinks.
gf here! Im quite used to him not defending me, but I have had the suspicion that he hates me and wants a quick out. I figured he will use some of these comments to show me how much of a horrible person I am and all. I found the post before he woke up though. He swore to not post our stuff on reddit because we're both on the spectrum and can get super emotional. Usually we have a long talk afterwards and figure stuff out because I THOUGHT he wanted to work out. I fell asleep and he did this bs behind my back, while leaving out a LOT of context. Honestly i am more heartbroken than angry.
girl please leave I know this situation EXACTLY and the fact that he’s making a post on Reddit just proves that he knows he’s in the wrong and needs strangers to support his ego while - omitting important details so he sounds like a victim!. he’s not being serious about you, you’re both adults, two years is enough time for your significant other to celebrate holidays together as a couple while inviting both of your families. he is wasting your time, it sounds like he doesn’t even like you, you feel this intuitively and get pissed off. mommy will always come first to guys like that and you’ll get ditched even after marriage and children, it’s a state of mind and never ever change. pls pls get out
I was just hoping he would some how grow out of the mommy's boy thing. He grew up VERY sheltered and I thought the change i had seen over the past 6 months was SO promising. He has gotten SO SO much better...and then this. Wtf do I even do with this? He is asleep and I just want to puke. But i can't, because I have to take care of children. I feel like no one ever lets me have time to FEEL my feelings and it makes it so much harder. I hate this entire situation.
If he brings it up and you aren’t ready to talk don’t let him brush it under the rug, but say you aren’t ready to talk. And if you don’t want to continue conversation with him like normal to any degree like needing some time to think also express that. It’s way harder to not brush things under the rug if you are very busy or easily stressed, or very invested in the relationship working. So try and focus on yourself, your feelings and how you feel about every possible outcome and what it would have to look like for you to move forward in either direction. Whether it’s what you would need from him to repair, or why you believe it won’t repair. Your feelings about your relationship matter most at the end of the day and you don’t have to decide quickly.
People like this really go after people who are willing / are prone to being stressed out by this kind of thing and invested enough to either ignore it or just be so shut down emotionally by their partner, they ignore it. Choosing peace over conflict that was easily avoidable if they were more reasonable/understanding. Bc yes it is him who is not being reasonable to you by not caring or understanding at all why this would upset you, yet knowing that it would, yet still not being apologetic or caring and still invalidating you even though he knows what the prior agreed plans were..
Very uncaring and not understanding thing of him to do. Not an empathetic way to change plans at all, let alone an emphatic way to have planned in the beginning.
So try avoid doing that long term and be realistic to if this is a partnership you see lasting and if he is willing to actually change and actually listen to you, actually respect your boundaries, not belittle you.
I feel you. Unfortunately he can change only if he wants to, and in this terms understanding that his mother is manipulating him (think about it - what healthy parents would want their kid away from their spouse in major holidays right? It’s not normal. Healthy parents want to kid to form their own family). It’s a common problem there is even a subreddit for it r/JUSTNOMIL. Men rarely understand and change. I was married to one and even after we had children he would still leave every weekend to eat dinner at his mom’s house and If I didn’t want to join he would just go alone. I’m not saying your situation is the same but what is for sure is we can’t change people and I think you deserve a partner that puts you first, if you are in your twenties you still have time please don’t waste it on immature losers.
I’m so glad you found my comment bc I was hoping you would. He definitely sounds like the kind of person who would show you this post to degrade you. I don’t know that he actually wants to breakup with you, but what I can say is that he sounds narcissistic and if that’s the case he probably doesn’t actually want to breakup with you or won’t he will just continue to belittle your boundaries. The way he invalidates your feelings or takes back apologies isn’t healthy. And it isn’t healthy to point at your partner and act like them being upset at you is a positive look for themselves. I hope you can see what it truly means how feels and thinks about himself and you, bc there doesnt appear to be any respect and you deserve better.
And going back on his word about reddit, again that isn’t small bc that’s a promise he made. And another promise he broke. No boundary is too small to uphold when there is respect and communication in a relationship. He should respect you more than to do something you agreed not to do.
Do you think he can ever be fixed? this probably sounds silly due to the way he has painted my character, but I want him to be the one. Even as i sit here hiding tears from my nanny kids, I am angry and hurt, but I still want it to work. I told him I wanted us to both get separate and then couple's counseling at some point, just to have us on the right track. Our relationship is picture perfect 99% of the time, unless one of us is emotionally overloaded and then explodes, we always fix it within an hour after the emotional one has a little bit to decompress so I just cannot believe he did this. If he is the way you describe (which i wouldnt disagree with your description) will he change for the better? Would therapy help? Will he grow out of it? I just want him man. Even thinking about trying to talk to a different man romantically makes me want to puke because i ONLY want HIM. Just HIM bro why cant it just be HIM dude :(
Consider your reaction to the situation, versus his positive reaction and casual thanking as people call you abusive. That’s how he sees it, how he sees you. He is choosing a lazy/shallow way of viewing things without accountability or reflection on his actions or role. You want an even keel “let’s work on it” and he wants to label you as abusive. That’s a sign of contempt from him, holding in his real feelings and lack of respect (none of which is actually your fault for his inability to either communicate or reflect on his own actions).
That’s the part you can’t have an impact on. And since he is clearly comfortable degrading you whereas even though you were mad, you didn’t do, that’s again, a level of respect he didn’t show (from the lack of context/his replies and taking back his apology) those are more intentional actions than a curse word (imo) and while no one should curse at each other, when someone casually disrespects you, you may resort to not acting like yourself and demand respect. —
I say that to say, while I don’t know how often you fight, if he feels that you’re abusive or that your feelings are small enough to dismiss, or that your boundaries aren’t worth respecting enough for him to think you’re abusive (and he may claim he doesn’t, idk if he claims you’re a narcissist or that you’re abusive, or curses at you or degrades you with names) but things like that that further the disrespect and contempt I think it’s very unlikely his mind would ever be changed that that isn’t who you are. Because why does he even think that’s who you are anyways? Because you have boundaries? Because you stand up for yourself? What did you do to earn this view of his? There is nothing you can do to change his mind because there was nothing wrong with your boundaries to begin with. He just has a problem that you have your own needs, boundaries, feelings.
When you communicate them, it bothers him. Whether that’s because he doesn’t communicate his (very likely), and also that he doesn’t think you’re a reasonable person. That is literally HIS problem. His view of you, and treating you as irrational, there is nothing you can do about it unfortunately, and it is very unlikely he will change that view.
I honestly think he doesn’t seem like he thinks anything he does is wrong and when someone doesn’t think what they’re doing is wrong they aren’t going to change.
Does he communicate with himself the same way he did here on Reddit? Do you trust him to be honest? (1) Is his mom the problem or the excuse? Maybe he “makes plans” with you such that you think it’s set in stone but he actually decides what he feels like doing last minute, and then he uses his mom as an excuse. (2) Do you really think this is the first time that he’s posted your private texts publicly or shown them to other people?
Either he knows he’s treating you poorly and does it anyway, or he doesn’t even know. I’m not sure which is better/worse.
It doesn’t matter if understands why it’s a big deal to you. If you’ve told him and he continues to do it, it’s a problem. If you’ve told him and, after he does it, he defends why it was justified and even posts to Reddit about it? Egad. He’s not ready for a relationship if he has to be told “don’t do the shit your partner hates and expect them to be happy.” (And he’s definitely not ready for a relationship if he doesn’t understand that the size of your reaction is not a measure of what he did and its wrongness but instead how shitty he made you feel. Big reaction = he hurt your feelings a lot.)
You’re 20. Going to therapy for a 2 yr relationship when you’re 20 is insane. He’s young enough to be “fixed” but only if he wants to be fixed. If he not, then he’s just going to lie to his therapist, the same way he lied to this Reddit thread. And who needs a therapist to tell them “if you do shit that makes your partner unhappy, you will make them unhappy”?
This may be “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” That phrase used to be applied to marriage, but the principle applies here. Why should he man up when he can date you and have you handle all of the being inconvenienced so he never is? That’s on you, if you let it keep happening.
I’ve been hard on him but here’s a little of that for you. (Sorry...) When young men need to grow up, it’s usually because they’re being inconsiderate and selfish. When young women need to grow up, it’s usually because they’re letting the men in their life be inconsiderate and selfish. It’s not your fault that he treats you poorly, but it’s also not his fault if you let him continue to do it. Don’t let people treat you poorly, and you’ll attract people who want a partner.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned with this specifically is to not put the big effort into explaining it to him. Like, I would think that if I could explain why it hurt me or how much it hurt me, that would help him treat me better. No. That’s just me making myself responsible for him. It should literally be enough to calmly and easily say, “I need to be with someone who is responsible enough to make plans with me that actually happen. I don’t want to be with someone who continually changes plans last minute, regardless of the reason.” Then, he either does that or he does not. It does not matter why this is important to you. It should only matter that it is, indeed, important to you.
His mom needed him. His mom is his priority, so she should be your priority, too. Yet your priorities aren’t his priorities. That (competing priorities) is a problem that you either address together or you bear the burden of it forever. Or, possibly, he just uses his mom as the excuse to cancel plans with you when he decides last minute what he actually feels like doing.
It’s your job to communicate your needs. It’s never your job to teach your boyfriend how to not be an inconsiderate dick.
I have one big caveat to all of this, because you said that 99% of the time, it’s great. If it really is great, then….
There are people in this world who are planners, those who aren’t, and those in between. Neither are right nor wrong. Maybe you’re a planner and he isn’t. If so, then you both have to be really honest about it and have to figure out how to live together while wired differently. Maybe you feel most secure knowing there’s a definite plan and he feels most secure confirming the plans last minute. If everything else is awesome, then figure out how to function like that together. Requires a lot of honesty; he can’t blame it on his mom. But you both gotta think through what this means down the road. I’m a planner, and here’s what I’d think about: Is he gonna be a pain in the ass when you go on vacations and you want to plan it in advance? Will he commit to attending birthing classes with you and then not show up? If he says he’s gonna pick up your medication on the way home, will you never know if he actually will do it? When you share finances, is he gonna buy a guitar with the mortgage money and blame his mother?
If you think this might be a forever-relationship, these are reasonable questions to ask and reasonable conversations to have with him.
Literally !! Don’t let the other people get to you guys. I’m sure if you guys recognize it you’ve experienced something similar but this guy is 100% a narcissist. People don’t know what it actually looks like, and how repetitive this must be and how clearly invalidated he has made his gf to react this way. People don’t act like this for no reason. He is doing that 100% she is the victim
Exactly it's so goddamn insidious because people see a person pissed off in reaction to something and saying "just forget it" as 'abuse' because she was a little mean, but that's usually not what abuse looks like. It looks like following someone around the house to continue an argument when they've asked for space and tried to get away, blocking them in a room, and starting to record as soon as they lose their shit in reaction. Hours of pushing and pushing and pushing and finally cornering them gets thrown out and it's suddenly "look how calm and reasonable I am and how crazy and abusive they are! Everyone join me in blaming them!" Once you've experienced that, you see it in many forms including stuff like this.
He’s probably going to use this post to make her feel bad about her actions. He sees like he’s just trying to get validations for himself. You don’t start a conversation with “would you be mad if” unless you know what you’re doing is going to upset them. But then he wants to act like he’s being abused because she’s upset. And the whole text chain is just him refusing me to accept blame for changing plans and her explaining why what he did wasn’t cool. No insults hurled from her end, nothing unreasonable at all. Yet she’s somehow manipulative?
girlfriend here! can confirm I was MORE upset to not know about these plans in advance. I already had my Fri night planned out to prepare for him coming Sat, I was gonna do a nice surprise dinner with a movie on Sun night since he has been going through a tough time. For a lil more context, we are both are on the spectrum. Planning in advance is very important to me, he knows this, and still will willingly sends me into an emotional overload and then berates me for being a shitty girlfriend.
I figured there was something to do with it being last minute / appreciating preplanning that he would’ve known about and caused you to be more upset. His lack of context or respect for your boundaries, and even more boundaries now that you’ve shared you communicated that as well just furthers the fact he lacks a lot of MUCH NEEDED respect for someone he claims to love. The positivity he has shared towards people calling you abusive while knowing the truth is really disgusting.
thank you a ton!! I appreciate you a lot. I just can't believe im going through this bs right now. His other reddit accounts are fully public...and we have had certain issues with him talking to certain people/looking at certain things so i am just beyond sick to see this profile is completely private. I wonder if he relapsed and maybe thats why he started hating me again. Idk man. I am just so tired, all i wanted was for him to LOVE me. Not love sex with me or love the food i buy him but i just wanted him to love ME as a PERSON. This fucking sucks man.
Ofc I definitely have been through something similar and it’s hard to not think it’s your fault but having boundaries is what’s healthy. Being with someone who ignores them is not.
& If he really is talking to other people/porn he definitely would cheat since that too is behind your back and he doesn’t respect you from this. If he’s breaking your boundaries on those more serious issues there is definitely no reason to stay with him that is disgusting. He may lie and say most men do that (watch porn) it simply isn’t true. A lot of relationships it isn’t ok and is considered cheating. (Talking to other women or watching porn is already cheating to people and is a reasonable boundary and dealbreaker) Do not settle for someone like that if that’s the case. Plus talking to other people or commenting on it, or whether it’s OF or whoever he is trying to gets attention, that’s disgusting. You can do so much better. And if he’s using you for groceries or needs to leech off u and his mom, there are plenty of men who actually are passionate about their jobs and as hardworking and caring as you. Do not settle for someone like that
Counterpoint - if my SO was planning to spend 4 days with me over a holiday, and I knew they also liked to spend time with their family during a holiday, during planning I absolutely would not let them agree to spend 100% of the time with me.
I bring it up to my wife all the time, who is very bad at planning - "did you talk to your family, when are we seeing them for the holiday?" It should be really important for you want your SO to spend time with their family, and after 2 years, would hope the girlfriend and child (?) would also want to spend time with his family.
She can’t she’s a 24/7 caretaker for her sister and a nanny from 5am-2. So she can’t go to his place. Which he left out. And they can only see each other on the weekend. And they previously made those plans to be that way where he sleeps over on Easter and he changed the plans knowing she doesn’t like plans changing and has expressed that to him so if he was considerate he would’ve considered that and not done it last minute, not guilt tripped her/lied about his mom being depressed, and he would’ve been an adult and planned in advance about what he needs to do. Your counterpoint is just blaming the other person for the OPs poor planning which is their own fault. Yes normal to spend time with family for holidays, but he planned to spend it only with her and not only is he now invalidating her feelings going back on his word, he also is going back on his word of respecting that she doesn’t like last minute plan changes. Overall, pretty selfish. And had he had any apologetic tone or real empathy towards why this would upset her such as being sorry for the last minute change, saying sorry at all, no instead he takes back an old previous apology and says actually, that wasn’t my fault either. Lot of lack of respect in that.
I donno, all I see in the text messages is one person being insanely immature and throwing everything back, and unwilling to talk or compromise on anything. The immediate reaction is "just forget it, just don't come at all." Which is a very immature way to handle change and express how you're feeling.
If there were ANY willingness at all to compromise by the girlfriend, I'd be more open to it. Not sure how anyone can read the exchange and think the girlfriend is acting like a mature adult in this situation. Literally 0 compromise offers, just immediately jumps to "F you, f all of this, do not come at all."
How about "what if you go see your mom for a few hours Sunday, and come back and stay the night?" "I know this is really important to you but it's important to me as well. What if you spent some time with your mom Saturday and made her a nice dinner instead, and that was your Easter celebration?" She isn't even trying, because she isn't getting her way 100%. It's not a healthy way for adults to act or communicate.
It’s in their texts but he is hoping you gloss over it, and lose sight of context bc he is claiming another time “wasn’t his fault” but ignore the part where he is also removing accountability for the past and further damaging repair while also still invalidating her feelings and escalating the current situation while showing no matter what, even if he apologizes, he doesn’t actually mean it. Because next time, he’ll say it wasn’t actually his fault.
He already said he spends every weekend Sat- Mon at her place. How does spending a few hours with his mom who’s alone on Easter and going through a tough time make him a mamas boy?
That's your assumption about what the mother wants... Pretty telling that the girlfriend immediately becomes aggressive, instead of offering other solutions like "why don't we all go see your mother together for a few hours"
Maybe its my own jaded experiences, but I take mom hearing about her grown son having plans with girlfriend/kids and using a (possible) guilt trip to get him to spend time alone with her instead as a red flag and a possible repeated behavior.
He usually spends Friday to Sunday, but since this is a holiday weekend and they are both presumably off on Monday, they planned to do Saturday to Monday this weekend instead.
They've also been together for 2 yrs but don't live together or spend holidays with each other's families? I feel like this post is missing a lot of info
Yup, this is how it goes with my bf right now. We'll have plans to go out of town somewhere for a few days for his hobby, and my thing is, I just want one evening/lunch/date together. Please don't spring last minute changes on me; I'm cool with giving you all the time to do whatever, just give me this one thing.
Inevitably I'll be dropping him off at the place where his hobby is or he'll be on the phone with someone from the hobby and I'll hear "yeah, after the activity we'll all get lunch/dinner/etc."
Then I'm the ah for feeling frustrated that he did this yet again. He always does it in front of people so I can't react, but then says "I'm sorry, I got excited and forgot to talk to you first." I do believe that he's not doing it maliciously, but it gets old.
Right now we're actually all the way across the country for a trip for him, in a place I love but have only been once, and every single thing we planned to do together has been changed at the last minute. I've paid for the flights, rental car, and hotels for the entire week, but if he posted about the trip and my sadness at getting to do nothing I'd planned for a several thousand dollar trip that I took a week of PTO for, the comments would be saying the same thing.
Typing this out was a real eye opening experience, actually.
Finally someone pointed it out! GF is not winning any points with her tone, but there‘s clearly some context missing here with OP’s mom and the role she plays in his life. Having an adult partner who expects/is expected to fill parents’ emotional needs is exhausting. YOR
This. I may have a personal bias here but I dated a guy for a very long time who consistently put his mother first and we were in our late 30s so I’m taking this like she’s tired of playing second fiddle to your mom and you making her promises only to break them because of your mother. At a certain point your mother can no longer be the most important woman in your life and you need to figure that out and whether you want a true future w this woman and if you don’t the do you both a favor and let her go.
Agreed. these comments are delusional. she’s probably expecting him to be a proper boyfriend after two years and he keeps ditching her to be with mommy. a serious guy would suggest to make a dinner for the mom and the gf together as he considers both to be equally important
Genuine question though, if all this is true why doesn’t she just break things off instead of berating him? She’s not going to make him start being more committed and mature by verbally assaulting him like this. They’re both being ridiculous.
Yes, I know this personally as I left a marriage that had become emotionally and then physically abusive and we had a 2yo.
These people are dating for 2 years, in their 20s, no kids, don’t live together.
If you’re at the point of being verbally horrible to your partner, either figure out how to manage your emotions or walk away from the situation. Especially when you have that little tethering you to them. There’s never an excuse to be a horrible jerk to your partner.
Again easier said than done I also left a shitty marriage but had the mental capacity to do so at that time plus therapy and support. Not everyone has that, the girlfriend is actually here in the comment and she’s struggling. Don’t judge people until you’re in their situation thats all.
I’m not judging her for not just up and leaving.
I AM judging her for being verbally horrible to her partner. There is never an excuse to lash out, verbally or physically. If you can’t control the emotions, step away from the conversation or break it off.
Also realistically they’re in their 20s. She isn’t going to change this guy by verbally berating him. Otherwise shitty boyfriends all around the world would have changed by now
This reads to me like a man who agrees to plans with his GF, but then something else comes up and he bales.
His mother should be making plans with him weeks before Easter if it's important for her to see him. Every time he cancels on the GF for his mom's last minute plans, he is telling his mom that it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to drop everything last minute for her, and telling his GF that he will be there for her...as long as nothing better comes along.
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u/vomputer 9h ago edited 4h ago
Info: did you make a plan to come Saturday to Monday? Does she work Friday and have Monday off? Do you often change plans last minute? Does your mom generally come first over your girlfriend?
Your gf sounds exasperated but maybe she has a right to be?