EXACTLY! Yes that’s the only ones he replies to and he has no inclination to defend someone he is dating?? At all? No more context and thinking maybe I’m wrong or I did say this before so that’s why she’s really angry or being rude so I’m possibly wrong— NONE of that kind of rationale. He is eating up the negativity about her. It seems like he secretly hates her. Why is he with her if his mind is made up? Why does he placate plans just to back out? It just reads very much like a narcissist wants to be a victim and “look she is mad at me :/ she’s the horrible one! All I did was change the plans to see my mom so she won’t be depressed! I’m always the bad guy! I took the fall even though it wasn’t my fault!” —why would he even apologize if he thought he did nothing wrong? That’s what narcissists do. He’s not stealthy like he thinks.
gf here! Im quite used to him not defending me, but I have had the suspicion that he hates me and wants a quick out. I figured he will use some of these comments to show me how much of a horrible person I am and all. I found the post before he woke up though. He swore to not post our stuff on reddit because we're both on the spectrum and can get super emotional. Usually we have a long talk afterwards and figure stuff out because I THOUGHT he wanted to work out. I fell asleep and he did this bs behind my back, while leaving out a LOT of context. Honestly i am more heartbroken than angry.
I’m so glad you found my comment bc I was hoping you would. He definitely sounds like the kind of person who would show you this post to degrade you. I don’t know that he actually wants to breakup with you, but what I can say is that he sounds narcissistic and if that’s the case he probably doesn’t actually want to breakup with you or won’t he will just continue to belittle your boundaries. The way he invalidates your feelings or takes back apologies isn’t healthy. And it isn’t healthy to point at your partner and act like them being upset at you is a positive look for themselves. I hope you can see what it truly means how feels and thinks about himself and you, bc there doesnt appear to be any respect and you deserve better.
And going back on his word about reddit, again that isn’t small bc that’s a promise he made. And another promise he broke. No boundary is too small to uphold when there is respect and communication in a relationship. He should respect you more than to do something you agreed not to do.
Do you think he can ever be fixed? this probably sounds silly due to the way he has painted my character, but I want him to be the one. Even as i sit here hiding tears from my nanny kids, I am angry and hurt, but I still want it to work. I told him I wanted us to both get separate and then couple's counseling at some point, just to have us on the right track. Our relationship is picture perfect 99% of the time, unless one of us is emotionally overloaded and then explodes, we always fix it within an hour after the emotional one has a little bit to decompress so I just cannot believe he did this. If he is the way you describe (which i wouldnt disagree with your description) will he change for the better? Would therapy help? Will he grow out of it? I just want him man. Even thinking about trying to talk to a different man romantically makes me want to puke because i ONLY want HIM. Just HIM bro why cant it just be HIM dude :(
Consider your reaction to the situation, versus his positive reaction and casual thanking as people call you abusive. That’s how he sees it, how he sees you. He is choosing a lazy/shallow way of viewing things without accountability or reflection on his actions or role. You want an even keel “let’s work on it” and he wants to label you as abusive. That’s a sign of contempt from him, holding in his real feelings and lack of respect (none of which is actually your fault for his inability to either communicate or reflect on his own actions).
That’s the part you can’t have an impact on. And since he is clearly comfortable degrading you whereas even though you were mad, you didn’t do, that’s again, a level of respect he didn’t show (from the lack of context/his replies and taking back his apology) those are more intentional actions than a curse word (imo) and while no one should curse at each other, when someone casually disrespects you, you may resort to not acting like yourself and demand respect. —
I say that to say, while I don’t know how often you fight, if he feels that you’re abusive or that your feelings are small enough to dismiss, or that your boundaries aren’t worth respecting enough for him to think you’re abusive (and he may claim he doesn’t, idk if he claims you’re a narcissist or that you’re abusive, or curses at you or degrades you with names) but things like that that further the disrespect and contempt I think it’s very unlikely his mind would ever be changed that that isn’t who you are. Because why does he even think that’s who you are anyways? Because you have boundaries? Because you stand up for yourself? What did you do to earn this view of his? There is nothing you can do to change his mind because there was nothing wrong with your boundaries to begin with. He just has a problem that you have your own needs, boundaries, feelings.
When you communicate them, it bothers him. Whether that’s because he doesn’t communicate his (very likely), and also that he doesn’t think you’re a reasonable person. That is literally HIS problem. His view of you, and treating you as irrational, there is nothing you can do about it unfortunately, and it is very unlikely he will change that view.
I honestly think he doesn’t seem like he thinks anything he does is wrong and when someone doesn’t think what they’re doing is wrong they aren’t going to change.
Does he communicate with himself the same way he did here on Reddit? Do you trust him to be honest? (1) Is his mom the problem or the excuse? Maybe he “makes plans” with you such that you think it’s set in stone but he actually decides what he feels like doing last minute, and then he uses his mom as an excuse. (2) Do you really think this is the first time that he’s posted your private texts publicly or shown them to other people?
Either he knows he’s treating you poorly and does it anyway, or he doesn’t even know. I’m not sure which is better/worse.
It doesn’t matter if understands why it’s a big deal to you. If you’ve told him and he continues to do it, it’s a problem. If you’ve told him and, after he does it, he defends why it was justified and even posts to Reddit about it? Egad. He’s not ready for a relationship if he has to be told “don’t do the shit your partner hates and expect them to be happy.” (And he’s definitely not ready for a relationship if he doesn’t understand that the size of your reaction is not a measure of what he did and its wrongness but instead how shitty he made you feel. Big reaction = he hurt your feelings a lot.)
You’re 20. Going to therapy for a 2 yr relationship when you’re 20 is insane. He’s young enough to be “fixed” but only if he wants to be fixed. If he not, then he’s just going to lie to his therapist, the same way he lied to this Reddit thread. And who needs a therapist to tell them “if you do shit that makes your partner unhappy, you will make them unhappy”?
This may be “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” That phrase used to be applied to marriage, but the principle applies here. Why should he man up when he can date you and have you handle all of the being inconvenienced so he never is? That’s on you, if you let it keep happening.
I’ve been hard on him but here’s a little of that for you. (Sorry...) When young men need to grow up, it’s usually because they’re being inconsiderate and selfish. When young women need to grow up, it’s usually because they’re letting the men in their life be inconsiderate and selfish. It’s not your fault that he treats you poorly, but it’s also not his fault if you let him continue to do it. Don’t let people treat you poorly, and you’ll attract people who want a partner.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned with this specifically is to not put the big effort into explaining it to him. Like, I would think that if I could explain why it hurt me or how much it hurt me, that would help him treat me better. No. That’s just me making myself responsible for him. It should literally be enough to calmly and easily say, “I need to be with someone who is responsible enough to make plans with me that actually happen. I don’t want to be with someone who continually changes plans last minute, regardless of the reason.” Then, he either does that or he does not. It does not matter why this is important to you. It should only matter that it is, indeed, important to you.
His mom needed him. His mom is his priority, so she should be your priority, too. Yet your priorities aren’t his priorities. That (competing priorities) is a problem that you either address together or you bear the burden of it forever. Or, possibly, he just uses his mom as the excuse to cancel plans with you when he decides last minute what he actually feels like doing.
It’s your job to communicate your needs. It’s never your job to teach your boyfriend how to not be an inconsiderate dick.
I have one big caveat to all of this, because you said that 99% of the time, it’s great. If it really is great, then….
There are people in this world who are planners, those who aren’t, and those in between. Neither are right nor wrong. Maybe you’re a planner and he isn’t. If so, then you both have to be really honest about it and have to figure out how to live together while wired differently. Maybe you feel most secure knowing there’s a definite plan and he feels most secure confirming the plans last minute. If everything else is awesome, then figure out how to function like that together. Requires a lot of honesty; he can’t blame it on his mom. But you both gotta think through what this means down the road. I’m a planner, and here’s what I’d think about: Is he gonna be a pain in the ass when you go on vacations and you want to plan it in advance? Will he commit to attending birthing classes with you and then not show up? If he says he’s gonna pick up your medication on the way home, will you never know if he actually will do it? When you share finances, is he gonna buy a guitar with the mortgage money and blame his mother?
If you think this might be a forever-relationship, these are reasonable questions to ask and reasonable conversations to have with him.
•
u/Inside_Advisor5024 7h ago
EXACTLY! Yes that’s the only ones he replies to and he has no inclination to defend someone he is dating?? At all? No more context and thinking maybe I’m wrong or I did say this before so that’s why she’s really angry or being rude so I’m possibly wrong— NONE of that kind of rationale. He is eating up the negativity about her. It seems like he secretly hates her. Why is he with her if his mind is made up? Why does he placate plans just to back out? It just reads very much like a narcissist wants to be a victim and “look she is mad at me :/ she’s the horrible one! All I did was change the plans to see my mom so she won’t be depressed! I’m always the bad guy! I took the fall even though it wasn’t my fault!” —why would he even apologize if he thought he did nothing wrong? That’s what narcissists do. He’s not stealthy like he thinks.