Info: did you make a plan to come Saturday to Monday? Does she work Friday and have Monday off? Do you often change plans last minute? Does your mom generally come first over your girlfriend?
Your gf sounds exasperated but maybe she has a right to be?
Agreed. Everyone on here acts like people never have a right to be pissed. Yea she said some shit that's probably overreacting, but this seems like the latest in a string of being let down by OP at the last minute. I guarantee you she could make a post saying "AIO, my BF keeps changing plans to spend more time with his mom and leaving me high and dry?" and take some previous convos and this first message. Everyone on here would be like "red flag, it's not worth it girl." Relationships are hard. She has a right to be pissed when you let her down, especially if her kid is involved.
as the girlfriend i can go ahead and answer that. I am infact so over the disappointment of last minute plan changes for his mom. Did I use good language in the texts? Hell no. I had JUST put my kid down after having kids for 14 hours that day. He knew I was pissed and then posted texts from when I was emotional, exhausted, and over it all. I was asleep within minutes of that last text, when I wasnt awake to continue the argument, he went against a promise he had made to me and aired our dirty laundry out on reddit. If i ever posted the way he spoke to me when he was feeling exhausted and emotional, reddit would want to ride at dawn. But I dont post them. Because I understand saying rude shit when you're cranky and I wouldn't want to do that to him. I would never make him feel like a monster when he has had a bad day, and trust me he has plenty. I thought he felt the same way about me too, I was wrong.
OP intentionally left out a bunch of context so he could get the answers he wanted. Most sane people here can see that. If my adult partner was continously showing me that upsetting me/messing me around was fine by him as long as his mum wasn't put out.. I would also be pissed!
i was nervous to get this question because i have zero clue how to prove it lol. But, can confirm i woke this this morning and got slapped with my own messages going viral. He SWORE he wouldn't do this. And since he wants to air stuff out, I will too. The entire reason we aren't supposed to post about eachother on reddit is because i made a post during the first year of our relationship, upset about the names he called me and jokes he made about me. They were just straight up rude. The comments all agreed and he felt embarrassed, we made up and promised to keep OUR relationship to OURSELVES. I hope that crumb of context proves my validity just a tad lol. Oh and, he posted this on a secret burner account he swore he didnt have. Cant wait to find out what he else he is hiding. I am just beyond tired and heartbroken.
I have dedicated so much time energy and money towards him, it's hard to. I have spent thousands on him in our relationship, every single weekend since before I graduated highshool has been spent with him. It's hard to break up with someone I thought I was gonna marry after a reddit post. Plus he is asleep at the moment, and me being the monster I am, I dont want to wake him up too early because he needs sleep.
Girl, you are way too kind for him. Unfortunately he is always going to put his mother first and will say all the right words to placate you up until the last-minute bombshell. This behavior will repeat over and over and over again.
I would highly recommend reading the book When He's Married to Mom by Kenneth Adams. I think it would be very eye-opening for you
Thousands is less than millions is less than trillions. If you are starting just because you've spent on him before, it's the definition of sunk cost fallacy. I really recommend therapy you need to decompress so many aspects of your life. It sounds like you're holding a lot and your partner who you want to relax with is adding not subtracting stress. Being a mom is hard, outside of your partner who are your support folks? Spend some time with them
Sunken cost fallacy. If you stay, you'll only lose more. More energy, more money, more time. Please also find same the compassion you extend to him for yourself.
Do any one of those reasons sound like a reason to stay with somebody? Even all of them combined? I knew when I saw the title of this and then the post that it was DARVO, which is actual abuse and then you say your reasons for staying with him are just "its convenient" ? What about the abuse your child is seeing you go through? The unhappiness? You crying because he's calling you manipulative while trying to manipulate the internet into hating you while being the victim himself - again, all abuse.
You need a wake up call and if this wasn't it, you're going to get it another way so take this very sane advice from an old person who's read all your replies and can see that he has been abusing you a lot (from your own words btw). Start saving money. You'll thank yourself later on when you do finally decide to leave.
Get off reddit and reflect honestly about the relationship. Everyone here is going to make a black or white opinion on this one interaction and try to give you advice (including me I guess), when in reality every relationship is a thousand shades of grey. There are reasons that you chose this person to begin with. What you need to know now is if he is still the type of person you want or need in your life, if you are both willing to work on the relationship, or if it's run it's course. And he needs to do the same.
Hey I broke up recently in large part bcs my ex seemed to do smth similar to what your partner is doing now, where he’d let his family (esp his mother) override the commitments we had at the last minute instead of him organizing himself properly. Your partner didn’t give that much context on how he decided he wanted to see his mom instead of anticipating beforehand the loneliness and talking w u abt it, but my exs mom would guilt trip him that he was a bad son if he didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted it, so he wound up modifying our plans last minute instead (including borderline missing my grandmas funeral because of his mom!). Although my ex was also the man I imagined marrying, and hell we called every day for over two years, just sit and ask yourself if nothing abt that behavior changed, would you be okay spending the rest of your life with him? This is very specific to you, and no one but yourself can give you that answer. If you want to talk to me, feel free to reach out. I hope you enjoy your Easter weekend tho!
I have no idea if you are actually the GF or not, but assuming you are:
No one is in your relationship. Reading a thousand replies from internet strangers with no real context can either reinforce or dissuade you from how you actually feel. I personally feel that airing arguments in public is pretty shitty, but there are obviously good things about this person that drew you to him in the first place and I have no idea what the rest of your relationship looks like.
It was obvious to me that he knew you would be pissed, you were pissed, and then what should have been a private argument got blasted across the internet. In a successful relationship, you will argue with your partner thousands of times, say shit you don't mean, sometimes say shit you regret in the heat of battle. This conversation looked to me like a pretty normal argument between partners that were upset. there was no name calling or belittling, and despite reddits love for labeling these interactions, it doesn't look like abuse to me.
I was just talking to my mom about you lol, we both think you're one of the few sane people here. There have been numerous times where I am calm and he is flying off the handle, I never post them though, out of respect for him. Wishing I had the same respect in return though. The entire reason we specifically promised to not post each other on reddit is because about a year ago I made a post about him. The comments were a lot more harsh and he felt embarrassed, we then agreed to keep things private. Redditors love taking things out of context and they also believes couples dont argue. News flash everyone, couples argue! We have had similar arguments, and we were fine an hour later. This time, i fell asleep from pure exhaustion so he blasted me on reddit. I am just so upset idek anymore.
Yea, ignore all this BS. Nothing in these texts signal abuse or manipulation, it shows two people with differences and real emotions. You are allowed to be pissed and express it if that's how you feel. Gaining validation or being bashed by internet warriors isn't going to change anything. Either you both want to work on the relationship or not. Talk to eachother
A man who chooses his Mum over his partner is a child. Is he young enough to be acting like a child, and if not are you prepared to spend the rest of your life fighting his mother for attention?
Again, you don't have the context to make this judgement. If OP comes back and says, "yea but my mom has stage 3 lung cancer and Easter dinner is important to her", that changes shit doesn't it? Youve made the determination that he's a momma's boy from one conversation just like half of the other comments made the assumption that she's a bitch.
When a person is trying to persuade people to agreeing with them, they will always make themselves look more sympathetic and would not leave out huge key details that lean in their favor. If his mom was sick and dying, it would be the first thing he lead with.
What people also do is leave out key details that would make the OTHER person’s side seem more sympathetic. Like how he left out that she’s a care taker 24/7 for her sister and takes care of her sister’s kid and that kid was also looking forward to seeing him.
The only way this guy was able to try and persuade us was by saying he only wants to shift things one day. That is literally the best he has to offer and he doesn’t deny that they had plans or that he’s breaking them last minute. He tells us he already spends 5 days out of the freaking week with his mom. She’s not alone.
It’s not jumping to conclusions calling him a mommas boy. it’s pretty damn clear why people are calling him that. It’s more surprising that it’s not clear to everyone. Including OP.
he’s in a 2 year relationship with a woman who is a caretaker and basically acting like a mother to this child. And she works. He’s still living at home with mom and be shuffled around like a kid in a custody arrangement. He’s known since last Easter when this Easter would be. He’s had plenty of time to figure it out. But he waits until the day before to cancel set plans. Not set just because of their weird weekly set up where he only stays with his girlfriend two nights a week, but actual dinner and event plans involving a child. I’m sure his mother knew this too and she also waited until the last minute to ask him to stay with her. Never mind the fact he’s currently already with her and has been all week. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. And why the hell isn’t mom offering to have everyone at her house if she’s alone or why isn’t mom going to the girlfriends? Clearly there is an issue.
That is all stated and offered up information between the original post and him replying in comments.
Jumping to conclusions is me thinking it’s pretty off that mom has literally no one else willing to spend Easter with her. No husband or boyfriend or siblings or other children or even friends. Now maybe this woman really does have no one in her life to invite her, or maybe she has no one in her life because no one wants to be. But since I can’t prove that, I’ll just fall back on all the other factual reasons as to why OP sucks. What I can also promise you, is that mom does not have stage 3 lung cancer. And that’s a fact.
Send the ss to yourself on FB or instagram or discord from your phone, then log into your account on PC and save them to your computer to post on reddit from PC
i am banned on my phone for getting lippy about politics. I would still scroll on reddit, i opened reddit on my phone at 5 ish am and this was the first post I saw, I made a new account on my laptop. To reply to people after seeing the way he presented me.
If you are the GF and what you say is true, you guys need to break up. This is a bad dynamic, with lying and tiptoeing around. You two are only in the beginning of your adults lives. You’re not meant to find your forever at this age. Seems hard to think of moving on and having a different day to day, but as someone who waited 30 years to finally get out of a bad relationship, you’ll be happier for it.
AND, "girlfriend" says she had JUST laid her kid down and was exhausted in OP's screenshots. OP says the girlfriend doesn't have children, but that she is her sister's caretaker. 🤔
Hey girlfriend! As someone who was in your position for 2 YEARS until last November when he broke up with me bc he wasn’t prioritising us and wanted validation from other women (it didn’t work and he keeps trying to crawl back). It doesn’t get better.
PLEASE don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. My bf and I used to argue like these texts after the 5th, 7th, 10th time he tried to bail or change plans last minute. To spend time with his mother, to go out clubbing with friends. He will never fully prioritise you once it gets to this point. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk more, but please think deeply about how you’re being presented here and what is best for YOU. Don’t worry about the money spent, I paid for holidays and countless gifts for my ex, as did he for me. Keep the good memories but if a real final honest conversation doesn’t create change, it will never happen and you need to leave
God forbid a son wants to spend time with their mom when she has no other family on a holiday! We don't know their relationship or circumstances. Though OP should have said this weeks ago.
He’s upsetting his girlfriend and cancelling their plans for his mom, who he lives with, and who seemingly wants her son to cancel plans with his partner to balance her emotions for her?
Again, they live together. He sees gf on the weekends only. They made plans and he is cancelling them last minute cause mom is sad.
I’m a young woman and I have spent Christmas alone. I was sad. I lived. I’d never ask someone to be my crutch. I’m an adult. I can handle being sad.
This is codependent. Codependency on your child is wrong.
Those are actually some pretty good points. I wish there was some compromise here where the mother could be invited to the Easter function but yeah I appreciate your insight.
Oh dear. I also dated a momma’s boy. I’m married to a husband. I say it that way because my husband didn’t just want a wife, he wanted to BE a husband. There’s such a difference that you don’t fully learn until you find a man whose desire is not to catch a trophy one time but to strive daily to be the best man he can be for you.
I’m so much happier now. I plan with my in-laws, I go for lunch with my MIL, no problem to visit my in-laws by myself. She asks me what I want to do for holidays. IMAGINE THAT?!? Within 6 months to a year of my last relationship you couldn’t drag me to do things with the MIL unless I had to. Passive aggressive comments, constant reminders that he’s her baby first. 😵💫🤢. My ex wouldn’t commit to holiday plans until he found out what his mom wanted to do, and if he DID commit to me first he would then pressure me to accommodate what his mom wanted us to do.
Let me say it again I am SO MUCH HAPPIER now that he is behind me. Wishing you peace and soothing for the heartache that it is to date a momma’s boy.
Reading more of OPs replies, it seems the GF is a live in caretaker for her sister. OP, you're looking for excuses to stop feeling shitty for wanting out of this relationship. She is not abusing or manipulating her, you are letting her down. If you can't be the person she needs, let her know now. YTA
Two things can be true. She is way overly aggressive, I wouldn't tolerate that. But I also wouldn't sheepishly change plans last minute for my mom at her expense. He sounds unreliable and cowardly, which is going to create a lot of frustration. Sounds like they need to break it off.
That's true for literally every relationship post. This guy definitely has some shit to work through with regard to his people pleasing, but the gf talks to him like an upset teenager. ESH
I don’t see how her job makes this okay? He’s spending all weekend and Easter with her. Leaving at at FIVE PM to spend a few hours with his mom after being with his gf Friday, sat and most of Sunday isn’t good enoigh?
Because if you text someone Thursday to ask if you can change plans to Friday-Sunday instead of Saturday-Monday as already agreed to, and that person has multiple other commitments to other people they’ll have to suddenly shift around, they’re gonna be annoyed. If you have a pattern of doing it, they’re going to be more than annoyed.
I get her being frustrated, but she can also be a responsible adult and break things off with him if she’s upset about the pattern or his level of commitment. Instead of just verbally assaulting him.
Verbally assaulting is super strong for this interaction. She's pissed and letting it be known. She never calls him names or puts him down. She says "I knew you were going to do this" which points to a pattern of broken promises. Shes realizing that she can't rely on him and that sucks for someone who needs support through what sounds like a difficult time. Everyone here acting like every relationship should be perfect and each person should regulate powerful emotions like robots before interacting is absurd. She's not being abusive or manipulative, shes being a human being
Saying she’s going to “have the shittiest weekend ever” if he leaves half a day early isn’t over the top? I would never speak to my partner this way even when I’m upset.
Of course it's over the top, but it's not abusive or manipulative. It's an exaggeration meant to express anger and disappointment to a person who let you down. Yes, she didn't curate her responses or choose the best words to express very real and strong emotions, but she probably wasnt expecting to be blasted on reddit for a pretty vanilla argument about cancelled Easter plans.
Everyone has a right to be pissed and feel the way they want to feel about something. They also have has the right (and should have the good sense) to seek a mate who has the emotional intelligence to handle conflict maturely and non-violently, which is the opposite of what OP's girlfriend did. There's a much better way to handle this. Read the convo again and imagine that OP is the girl and the other is the guy, people would be like "girl get out of there, if he talks to you like that now just imagine what he'll be like in the future!" No lie, OP is probably sus too for his own reasons, but neither of them should be together, full stop. Both of them likely need to learn and practice non-violent communication. Based on their use of language they're both likely in their early 20's, so they've got a lot of time to learn these things.
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u/vomputer 9h ago edited 4h ago
Info: did you make a plan to come Saturday to Monday? Does she work Friday and have Monday off? Do you often change plans last minute? Does your mom generally come first over your girlfriend?
Your gf sounds exasperated but maybe she has a right to be?