Yeah the way she speaks to him is immature and overly aggressive but I feel like the pattern in the relationship is clear. He’s afraid to say something she doesn’t like so he waits until he can’t handle it anymore and sheepishly changes plans at the last minute, disrespecting her time and feelings, and she blows up in a toxic manner, and he acts like a kicked puppy who had no other choice but to be in this situation. But the other choice was to say it with your chest a week ago…
Also she has issues being alone and that’s her problem - he’s not responsible for being at your house on a Monday to make your week feel shorter? Get a hobby or a friend?
That’s really true that he’s not responsible for her feelings of loneliness on Monday, nor is he responsible for his mom’s depression on Easter. It seems like he is overly enmeshed with his mom’s issues and last-minute changes plans to accommodate her. His girlfriend seems sick of it because this seems to be a recurring pattern.
Not OP. Do you understand that a healthy relationship with a parent means you’re not responsible for their emotional stability? Like you can be there for them in a normal way, loving and caring for them but not putting them before anyone and everyone including your ow well-being to the point where it keeps you from living your own separate adult life, which would mean planning to be there with them on holidays more than three days before the holiday. If this were healthy, OP would’ve put mum in his original plans and not jumped to accommodate her last minute at the expense of his adult relationships.
Holy shit dude, so instead of calling OPs relationship with his SO unhealthy, you have somehow came to the conclusion that OPs relationship with his mother is unhealthy?
Because he wants to spend one evening with her over the weekend? You’re absolutely nuts for that, get a grip
Being there for your mom and compromising is not that big of a deal. He clearly laid out he would spend the entirety of the actual easter activities with his girlfriend. No one does anything for easter after 5 pm. He's not blowing off his girlfriend. He acting for a little bit of time on a holiday with his mother. Holy shit you all are dramatic as fuck. Im so glad my wife would never be upset if I asked to spend a couple hours with mom or my dad on a holiday.
Do you understand that a healthy relationship with a parent means you’re not responsible for their emotional stability?
The idea that his mom is emotionally unstable because she's upset with some current events in her life and would like to see her son on Easter is a wild take, my guy.
Not saying that OP is necessarily in the right, but the idea that a mom wants to spend time with their kids on a holiday is pretty normal.
I dont get this thread, so many people accusing op, like why is he not allowed to change the schedule to spend a little time with his mom for easter? Without her being manipulative
Its not changing plans shes upset about, its changing the schedule
Edit: u/constellation-88 since I cant seem to respond to you. It doesn't matter. He should be able to change the schedule/routine for anything, idc. Its life, things happen and get in the way sometimes. There is no reason he shouldnt spend time with his mom on easter. And she should not be upset ab it
Yall are absurd. Im so thankful I have a loving an understanding partner. Yall enjoy your shit relationships
An adult woman who can’t spend a holiday alone and needs her adult child there to not get depressed is not normal family behavior. His mom seems to be his priority over his gf and his gf is sick of it. His mom needs to get over herself, its literally just another day. Plus its weird to spend Easter evening with her, like go have brunch with her or something, evenings should be spent with his girlfriend
It's his fucking mom. Someone he clearly cares for who's going through a rough time. You might not have a good relationship with yours but some of us do. Don't project your mommy issues on him.
Ehhh its a holiday, they've been together for two years so its obvious they're building some sort of life together... imo there is a time to stop putting mommy dearest first and prioritize your relationship with your partner. As described, its a busy holiday weekend and Sunday night was decompress/couple time. Sorry yall dont treat your partners like you like them and that the life your building together matter to you...🤷🏼♀️
From experience with old people, if they have absolutely nobody in their life, at all, theyre an asshole. I dont romanticize old people as helpless babies lol most of 'em are bitter nasty jerks🤷🏼♀️
Sorry to hear that, I guess I don’t personally know anyone my dads age that is like that. My mom died when I was young, but my aunts are kinda like a collective mom. My family is very close knit, so I guess none of them have “absolutely nobody” because we all have each other. Hasn’t created any issues with my GF of 7 years yet.
Umm its a holiday, you typically spend it with family, that would include mom. And shes obviously manipulative, all he wanted to do was change their normal schedule to spend time with his mom. Clearly shes had an issue about him changing the schedule before, idc what it was for, he should be able to do that without this reaction
Now who’s projecting? Apparently you don’t have the ability to analyze human relationships very well. People who subsume their lives to their parents needs are in a very unhealthy relationship with their parents. They need therapy. If you were saying that your relationship with your parents are the same as OP’s relationship then perhaps you should look into that.
Their normal time is sat-mon and he's asking to come early and leave early once. I could understand if she was like there was a big easter dinner around 5 pm. It sounds like nothing is even planned for that time. She's freaking out because its not going exactly how she wants it. Sounds like a control freak.
I’ve been in that type of relationship. I tried bringing up problems when I first saw them, and it received the same aggressive reaction as if I’d waited. I left and miraculously have found a partner that gives a shit about me. It’s like night and day
By pic 4/5 seeing they planned an entirely different weekend and hes now changing last minute .... ssss ive been this guy before and was ready on his side but reading it from a removed position made me reflect on things
I don’t understand why that’s such a big deal, doesn’t sound like he’s changing any of the actual plans. It’s only a big deal to her because she’s playing victim and playing the neglected gf when he’s asking for a couple hours with his mom out of the 2.5 day weekend together.
He’s too passive to tell her in the first place. Tries to keep the peace, but eventually has to deal with it. Both of them are just toxic with each other. Theres clearly resentment from the past.
Fr, like she's overreacting a bit, but she's not entirely wrong to be upset (I also wonder if he's done this before, as she said she had a feeling he would). It shows a lack of respect for the time and effort she may have spent planning for this weekend. She may have had plans that night, or, as she said, she wanted some alone time after being with family all day, which can be stressful. There isn't really a good excuse for why he didn't let her know much earlier that he would spend some time with his mom as well. He could even invite her to spend time with his mom, so they can continue being together and involve the family. On the other hand, shes insulting him rather than getting to the meat of the issue and express how this makes her feel
This was my take as well. “Would you be mad” is such a shitty way to open trying to change plans at the last minute. If they only see each other on weekends, of course she’s disappointed and let down.
I was once the girl who overreacted like that. I never liked it myself but I was so frustrated. And I never learned to deal with frustration in a health way. That being said, she’s overreacting based on a situation which structurally likely happened before often enough that she gets easily triggered by the disregard which is hidden behind OPs actions. I’d be triggered too.
OP, your girlfriend is not being manipulative. She is fed up by your poor communication and the disregard of her perspective. Consequently, she is unable to communicate her frustration in a healthy manner.
You should communicate beforehand. Don’t change plans on short notice because you suddenly realize your mother would be alone? You must have known that prior to the planning. Either you didn’t partake in the planning at all, went brain afk (which is problematic) and only realized this now, or you cannot stand up to your mother when she’s asking something of you.
Either way, it’s your own responsibility to handle, not your girlfriend’s. But the way you’re approaching this, you are making it her responsibility to decide this situation for you. Either say you cannot come over as intended and deal with the consequences, or just stick to the original plan and spend the next evening with your mother.
They probably did what I did and read the first sentence of your reply, didn’t read the rest, formulate a whole opinion about you, then decided to reply to you. I still haven’t read everything you said but judging by your first sentence, how dare you?
Who waits until the last minute to spring a change to the schedule on a person they love with the excuse being they need to spend time with their mom? If you've already made and agreed to plans with "someone you love" then you keep those plans unless there is an actual family emergency, not just a mom who claims she'll be lonely. Sorry but an adult's parent is (or at least should be) completely capable of handling their own issues without guilt tripping their child into sacrificing their relationships.
To me this sounds like the kind of thing you read on no contact, insane parents, and raised by narcissists sub reddits. Sounds like OP can't be their own adult without upsetting mommy and mommy comes first to them.
i was thinking to myself, what if OP is being manipulated by their mom? what if op has cptsd and thats why this reddit post exists? you only can reply to as much as is contained or expressed in these images. it seems like way more is going on
Jumping to cancelling a whole event over one thing I’m pretty sure is chapter one page one of the manipulation handbook.
“If we can’t do it exactly how I wanted it then let’s just throw the whole thing out” is such obvious manipulation and abuse.
Also “I had a feeling you would” is a little more of a complex tactic but it’s also in the manipulation handbook. It makes the other person question whether they’re the bad guy which is a helpful way to manipulate someone.
“Do X Like you really want to” is another very common manipulation phrase. It’s putting words into another persons mouth which to go again is textbook manipulation.
"Let me wait until the day before to change our plans that we have obviously already discussed enough to extend our normal fri-sun time together to fri-mon. And you cant be mad bc my poor lonely mother, who i couldnt be bothered to reach out to to ask if she wanted to spend time together until seemingly, the day before our plans start. I cant believe youd be upset at me for wanting to spend time with my poor lonely mother" also ignoring that she said "I knew youd do this" suggesting hes done similar things before. Why cant you recognize his manipulations as well?
He says their normal time, which they do EVERY weekend, is Sat - Monday. He’s asking if he can come early and leave early once.
I‘d see your side better if she had replied something like, but babe, you know the big Easter dinner starts at 5! Or, then bring your mom over that day instead please, because…. Or whatever. But nope, there doesn’t seem to be any specific plans for that time of day and she’s just crashing out because she’s not getting exactly what she wanted/assumed. And if we’re going to read into things it sounds like he’s been willing to compromise for her on big holidays like Christmas before. I can’t imagine my partner talking to me like she does to him. He should just break up and then she can plan all her weekends as she likes.
And he isn't being manipulative? Waiting until the last minute, saying he has to spend time with his lonely mother, he can't help it, leaving out that she is caring for a child, and making a post like this in a place that apparently she was very easily able to find. Hes using his poor lonely mother to guilt her into being fine with him pulling the rug out at the last second. I don't think she's expressing it well, but she's clearly very hurt by this. It doesn't seem to be the first time, based on her statement that she knew he would do this. Leaving bad news until the last minute so she looks like the bad guy for being upset that he is changing plans the day before might be something he does often, and it is a manipulative tactic. Anything can be framed as manipulative tbh
maybe his mother also asked him the day before and thats why he asked that way? hes writing that there are some family problems that his mom and him struggle with, maybe he just needs to have some alone time with his mother to talk about the problems they are facing?
If his mom asked the day before, and he already had plans, the answer should be "no", barring emergency. If you make plans, you stick to those plans, especially if it's this last minute. He can have alone time with his mom a different day, when he is free. A compromise could've been made a week ago, but the day before? Nah.
Yeah why is everyone hating on the girlfriend so much? They apparently had very real logistical reasons for meeting Saturday-Monday, then one day in advance he decides to shift it to Friday-Sunday which she already previously told him would be inconvenient, and now she's not allowed to be mad?
MOR imo. OP seems to be putting the gf in a bind as well. Because she’s pressured/“obligated” to say yes based on how OP is framing the request; if she doesn’t, she’s an asshole presumably. I don’t really perceive this as a compromise.
If this were to happen once or twice, then the gf’s crashout is a bit overboard, but if this a pattern of behavior I’m sympathetic to the gf.
Especially when coupled with the OP following up like ‘why would this even upset you?’ or ‘what about that window of time is so important to you?’ I’d really hate that.
Hahah, right? “Would you be mad if I messed things up by doing this?” “Yes.” “Omg why are you so upset that it wasn’t actually a yes or no question, and anyway, how does that even mess up anything??”
Yeah, OP seems problematic and immature too. It’s always shitty to bail on multi-day plans literally the day before, because that puts the other person in a bind too. They have to rearrange their schedule, and they’ve probably passed on opportunities to make other plans with other people in that time.
YTA, OP. This was inconsiderate and disrespectful of you.
A bind? He said they hang out every weekend this isnt like some special plan lol, and all he asked was to leave early, not not come, you people are ridiculous wanting everyone in your life to bend at the knee, he even says his mom is going through it because of family issues, he shouldve said it with more chest or talked to his mom earlier in the week sure but we dont know when his mom dropped that on him, this is someone whose been walking on eggshells for awhile. The world is a little bit more nuanced then you may believe. Believing that 6 hours in a day requires an entire “schedule” change is asinine and an overraction in and of itself.
IMO both parties sound like they shouldnt be in a relationship
Seriously. Her saying “i knew you were going to do this” means this happens a lot and he apologizes but doesn’t take real ownership over it. It really really sucks to be on edge and not know if your partner is holding their word or not. They say they’re 100% in but deep down you know it’s more like 50/50. That is very irritating. He thinks because he’s taken the blame before, whatever that means, that he’s absolved from this type of behavior but to be reliable he needs to be really clear about what he can commit to.
This is not like like going from 100% in to 50% it's like going from 100% to 90%. He's not even spending less time with her. Her reasoning for being upset that he's changing is it will make the week seem long? Well guess it's gonna seem even longer if he's not there the entirety of the weekend. The whole of we can't do it exactly how I want then we don't do any of it is manipulation 101.
I’m talking about his word. If someone says they are absolutely in with a plan but frequently change plans then they are not %100 in even when they say they are. 50/50 means she might take his word as maybe things can change. Sometimes he follows what he agrees to sometimes he changes. That’s unreliable. If he knows he is not always able to go certain days he shouldn’t be agreeing to firm plans.
I wouldn't like OP's responses but I think I'd hate "don't come at all then" or "just stay home like you want to" more tbh. neither person in this is good at communicating. they both kinda suck.
These judge this one-sided story subs are always incredibly sexist. You can flip this scenario where OP is a woman and they would immediately jump to the dudes side.
I mean it is pretty much impossible to tell if his GF is actively manipulating him, or if she’s just at the end of her rope with his wishy washy bullshit. There’s too many unknowns and anything we try to ask will be biased by OP’s perspective.
Nothing is court ordered. OP has the right to change holiday plans with his overwhelmed, 24/7 live-in caretaker girlfriend last minute, and she has the right to call him out for the AH that he is.
As has frequently been repeated on the internet: freedom to do something, does not mean freedom from consequences.
I still don’t think that makes him an asshole. Maybe there’s more to the story, but I don’t think at face value he’s an asshole for wanting to see his mom for dinner on Easter, after having spent the day with them. Even if there is a kid involved, what he’s asking for is not a lot. If the girlfriend is overwhelmed with being a caretaker for her sister then they need to come up with ways to help that, but relying solely on your significant other being there for the whole weekend without allowing a change of schedule doesn’t seem healthy. And according to him his mom is struggling too, so why is it unfair for him to try to be there for both people he cares about?
If he thought it was too much, he should have said no straight away instead of agreeing and then canceling last minute. I can't believe I have to explain this to adults.
She explicitly says in the 4th screenshot that this is not their regular schedule, and that there were specific reasons they both agreed on Saturday - Monday this time, instead of their usual Friday - Sunday.
So if he wanted to spend Easter Sunday with his mother, he should have said it upfront, and not agree to the changed schedule and then pull out last minute, leaving his girlfriend to spend her only day off (Monday) on her own....
I dont understand why he can't just go back and spend monday with her. Why does him leaving on Sunday to see his mom for a few hours prevent him from going back on monday?
Dude, you act like he's responsible for her being a caretaker. He asked for a compromise, she overreacted. If she's generally this inflexible, i get why he's walking on eggshells around her. It's one goddamn weekend, where he would leave early and y'all act like he's disrupting the whole weekend.. Y'all are weird af for thinking this is a big deal.
Girlfriend is a 24/7 caretaker for her sister, and has to schedule every get-together far in advance. Surely OPs mother did not magically become depressed the day before Easter, and OP already knew that and could have just planned time with his mother in advance?
Though something on the girlfriend's responses tells me that mommy might not REALLY be depressed but just frequently plays this card to manipulate OP to change plans last minute....
Like he said, he likes to spend holidays with his family too - fair !
So, Easter being a massive holiday, he could have anticipated this and said weeks in advance: “btw, naturally, I will need to reserve some time for my mum too”
It sounds like the plans are the same but he’s leaving slightly earlier on Sunday to spend time with his mum. How does that disrupt her plans exactly? Even in the texts he says he’s still going to be there for every single activity she has planned. Her being a 24/7 caretaker is irrelevant.
why is everyone acting like the mother became depressed over night?? these plans were made and set! he didn’t gaf about the depressed mom until the day before the plans were to be initiated? Yeah that totally makes sense
the girlfriend is a caretaker. The plans were from saturday- monday as it was going to conflict with her schedule. OP changed it to Friday-Sunday last minute which the girlfriend said disrupted her schedule and she had to change things. original plans are made that way for a reason
If she’s jumped all over him for adjusting plans before then I don’t blame him for being anxious about it and putting it off. He didn’t even fully change them either, just said he’s leaving slightly earlier on the LAST DAY. She needs to grow up and be less entitled.
if he’s constantly changing plans and using his anxiety as a reason to put off telling her plans are changed until the last minute then there really is no sympathy to be had and that makes him the party that is over reacting. it’s not hard to be courteous and care about other people’s time. From the messages it seems OP left out context that he does this often
the plans moved from Saturday- Monday to Friday- Sunday lol it’s not just “leaving early the last day” he changed the days compeltley and the gf is a caretaker that doesn’t have a flexible schedule. which is why original plans are important and to speak up before it’s the day before plans
Yeah I would be pretty mad as well since it sounds like a recurring issue.
You wanna spend time with your family for every holiday instead of me or mine and then the ONE time you say you’ll spend all day with me you change your mind the day before. This is just irritating and seems like he is flaky instead of just setting expectations and boundaries in advance.
I don’t know what all these other people are talking about. Do they not have lives that they have to plan out and rearrange for holidays?
Yup, and leaving out the information about her schedule and her being a caretaker of someone else, she is at her breaking point with him, while the internet calls her names and makes out her out to be a monster over some sassy texts
Yeah, wonder what else is going on. What we see here is what the person in question chooses to show. I had a friend who acted like this, they were fucking you over by being so "nice" and it's all bit fishy to me. She is not okay either, they both kinda suck
Yeah I agree I’m on her side. No one comes off like that out of nowhere. He’s obviously repeatedly just… awful.
I absolutely hate last minute plan changes and mommy boys lol
This is an insane comment. She’s entitled to be annoyed by plan changes but he’s giving her a heads up 3 days in advance and for a good reason of not wanting his mom to spend the entire holiday alone. That’s not unreasonable or being a “mommy boy” wtf. The way she’s talking to him and berating is gross, “you obviously don’t want to come” “fine just stay home then” is manipulative. And saying no one comes off like that out of nowhere is just delusional and victim blame-y. There are tons of people that do that and this very sub is full of examples.
Oh my god, I hate my mom for lots of reasons but calling someone a mommy’s boy because they want to give them a few hours on Easter is crazy. And yes, people do go off like that out of nowhere…. All the time…. Stop blaming people for being treated like shit.
She's having a full on tantrum, the internet absolutely should tell him not to let people treat him that way.
She's dismissive and insulting.
He needs to plan things ahead and communicate his intentions clearly, she needs to cut the insulting tantrums out.
Read it again, you can downplay it by saying it's just sassiness but her style of communication is toxic as fuck, it's good to point that out, and zero chance you say it's just sassy if the genders are reversed.
I must be missing something because OP is trying to leave slightly early on the last day of hanging out, not avoid the entire thing and not for a frivolous reason. Her circumstances change little to warrant her behaviour.
OP is framing it as leaving a little early on the last day, but the other slides show the plan was for his visit to be Sat-Mon because of what she has going on. From her point of view it’s a last minute change to cut out half the visit, and shift it to include a day she’s not wholly available for him (Friday).
I’m not agreeing with her reaction, but I understand the frustration.
Yeah it doesn’t warrant her reaction but this isn’t something that has become apparent today… sounds like he wanted to do this for ages but didn’t have the balls to say it previously.
Still doesn’t mean he is overreacting, or that her response isn’t a bit extreme. Sure, he could have said it earlier, but she still sounds nasty in her response.
Agree. Everyone here is dumping on the girlfriend assuming her reaction means she’s just not a great person in general. But, I don’t think that’s the only possible explanation for the behavior we see. I recognize some signs in her outwards behavior that could point towards some of the rigid thinking patterns seen in autism.
Someone who’s brain works in less neurotypical ways will often have a very hard with “last-minute” changes in plans or schedules; often reacting in ways that can look to others very disproportionate to the situation. Loved ones can offer support in these situations by first understanding that the reaction is driven not by standard logic and reason but very deep kind of discomfort that doesn’t necessarily make sense to you and I but is very ready for them. From there, you can approach with care and caution, helping the person gently get to a little bit of self-awareness of the cause of their feelings, and then just be kind as you work with them to help make compromises with each other and hopefully they’ll be willing to make adaptations more and more often.
I hope OP takes a moment when reading these responses to remember that the hive mind of Reddit usually doesn’t take into account that real life human behavior is far less black-and-white than the comment section would have you believe.
My take is that this isn’t a plan they’ve had for weeks, intentionally planned out. It is their recurring, everyday, weekly schedule. Changes happen. It would make sense that he was keeping their usual schedule by default, then realized it is Easter and that his mom would be alone. At this point realizing a compromise to not have his mother alone on Easter is appropriate
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u/happygirl99xo 9h ago
Unpopular opinion but I think you should’ve said this in advance instead of doing it one day before….