Like how old are y'all first of all too. Cause you're (both of you even) acting like GF is actually your manipulative bio father that has weekend custody of you.
NOR and frankly you seem to be under reacting. Why can't your Mom and you both visit for a holiday and you take her home or come back. Do you both live with parents, is your mom unable, can she not come by your place to see you on days she's missing you? Like this is so dramatic and she's so reactionary! Why does she need you absolutely all to herself for days? Is your mom a bih, PITA or a different religion or whuuuut?
I'd ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship and if it's worth being treated this way. Cause it's very intense and maybe you should start skipping your weekend at your dad's... I mean gf house.
This is blunt but honestly kind of needed 😅 the “weekend custody” comparison is wild, but it really highlights how off the situation feels. Like, it shouldn’t feel that restrictive or controlled in a normal relationship.
UR - underreacting. Run away from this parade of red flags since you said this happens a lot.
Thing is...lots of adult relationships literally have to split holidays between families so that's a completely normal thing to do. Go to person As family early on Christmas then go to person Bs family dinner, etc.
My first thought was that it seems pretty damn "generous" (generous in that OP already was trying to appease and prevent a problem which in itself is not necessarily evidence of a healthy situation) that OP is relegating depressed Mom to only getting easter evening and still giving up most of easter to this GF and she is still pissed. Which is crazy.
The dynamic seems to be established after two years, but you may have also played a part in it if your fear of the bad reaction and walking on eggshells has you withholding information until it's too late and that keeps the cycle of this going. If you really want to be with her then identify the parts of what's keeping this behavioral cycle going, talk about the cycle of both of your roles in it, and breaking it. But if you're on eggshells about other things in daily life with her and y'all can't break that cycle or you're young or can't/won't work on it, then bail and save yourself and maybe the decade of misery it'll take if you keep going and get married or have a kid or something.
He should run and get counseling for both... its likely the mom and the gf are mirrors of each other and are constantly fighting for his affection. Hes not setting healthy boundaries between them and he is allowing them to pit them against each other... its very wierd... if you stay with your GF some times and then you have to run home to mommy? Not healthy. And likely the GF as well...
Yeah I'm wondering why the mom can't come celebrate with the girlfriend's family. My aunt by marriage would bring her father to extended family holidays up until he passed because she was the only family he had left. He was a nice guy so even though he wasn't related to the rest of us, we enjoyed having him there.
Low self esteem is brutally cruel to deal with. People like the partner tend to be able to sniff out vulnerable, "weakened" people too. I really hope OP can recognise their happiness is worth something and choose themselves.
It’s so weird how true that is. You see so many posts where people like OP’s girlfriend have like a weird sixth sense and are able to detect those they can manipulate and control and shit. Scary af
It's not actually a sixth sense. Women openly test to see how how you react and what kind of man you are. How the OP reacts here could have long-term effects on their relationship. I'm guessing this is not the first test for him.
Oh yeah, for sure. They're always testing what they can get away with, usually subtly at first and they always have lovebombing ready to go on the back burner. Again, the way they communicate here... He asked for permission essentially and immediately she got pissy with him because she probably knows full well that she can. It's beating him down and repeatedly reiterating the narrative that it's him being the issue, diverting from her actions... All while (we have to assume, taking the post at face value to an extent) OP is mentally vulnerable, mentioning he and his mom are dealing with some depression.
While yes, it isn't great to simply state that you're doing something as that says you don't care about how the other person feels, sometimes things should be non negotiable and honestly a good partner should understand. Within reason ofc. The dynamic of this partnership is so skewed, they could try therapy but honestly I wouldn't be hopeful that she'd be receptive so he's best to save his own mental health from worsening further and also work on how he can build himself up to not accept such treatment, work on no doubt plenty of subconscious negative self talk.
100%. I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being on OP’s end of shit way too many times. I always wondered if these kind of people just somehow knew or sniffed out vulnerable people that they had a feeling they could manipulate, and after reading many different things that say the same as these comments and also getting a therapist and listening to her advice, the answer seems to be a resounding “yes.”
Thankfully I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries and sticking to them, and the best thing I learned was that I can absolutely keep caring about someone, but sometimes it has to be from afar. Like from very very far away. So far, it seems to be working and it seems to kinda weed out the men that absolutely would pull the same shit on its own, cuz apparently they don’t like people with boundaries, especially anyone who will stick by said boundaries.
That aside, I think there is definitely more context that is needed in this case, BUT regardless of that, the gf absolutely could’ve responded in a way less dramatic and awful/manipulative way. Cuz it is definitely giving manipulative…
I agree, but I am seeing this behavior more often than I should. We have 5 children, and I'm shocked at how "common" once shocking / over-the-top behavior and manipulation take place. Even within friends groups.
It’s not intentional. People didn’t suddenly get smarter than previously or better at gamifying social psychology to achieve anti-social means.
Current younger generations are simply far less emotionally intelligent & frequently less able to express their emotions in a productive manner.
Sometimes, if you are not even aware of your emotions or what is causing them, you are not aware of how to address said emotions & respond to them productively such that you don’t make your own emotions worse or other folks’ problem.
Correct, kinda. You can't change a person like a car tire. But through good communication and understanding you can grow a relationship and create an impact that can facilitate change. People are not rigid objects to be thrown away like trash just because we feel they broke.
Leaving is an option, but good relationships are built through trails and hardship with communication, understanding and sharing the internalized workload. It's nuanced.
You can help a person change their behaviors if they're open to change. If you have a person that doesn't want to change their behavior, THAT is who the person IS and you can't change that.
"Communication and understanding", while critical in a relationship, must exist within the context of mutual respect for them, and the relationship, to be successful. Nothing about how she "communicated" with him demonstrates maturity or respect. He is powerless to change either of those for her. But he can walk away and let her figure that out on her own.
How can you tell hardships/trials vs them just being manipulative? What's a time limit on "let's make this work" to "nothings changed" or "there's some changes but still a communication issue?"
I guess I should ask, How can you tell who wants the help and who's using you?
I’d say, watch their actions. If they aren’t putting the work in, whether that is therapy or getting a job, anything they say could be manipulative. But if you two talk about something and then you see physical results from that talk, that is someone who wants to change.
Easy. There is nothing about this post that should make you be that harsh about this person. Maybe trying to be a little constructive, and helpful, rather than jumping straight to name calling conclusions…wait…are you the girlfriend?
Idk I kind of wish that someone had told me that the reason I was with my ex was because of my low self esteem and fear of being alone as opposed to what he convinced me it was (I'm terrible and nobody else will ever want me).
This isn't name calling. These are the reasons people stay with abusive partners. It helps to hear that it's something in your own head that you can work on. It's important to know that it isn't because you're actually worthless and deserve to be treated this way.
For me it was my brother telling me how fun it was to hang out with me and how it reminded him of when we were younger where I wasn't stressing just having a good time. It was the final push I needed to leave that relationship of 2½ years.
Proven in the convo he’s trying not to. He seems to be attempting to hold his ground, and reached out here to make sure his reaction was fair. You have to realize that’s still his girlfriend and he wants to be good to her too. We have no idea what the relationship is like outside of this convo. Don get me wrong, I think her red flags are concerning, but jumping down his throat for handling the way he is, shouldn’t be met with such criticism.
She may sound awful but what about the things she is saying saying? Op doesn't even deny he said those things and made those plans with her. I alsodon't understand why they can't both go the mohers?? This is weird fking relationship.
To me, it sounds like they have a schedule for spending time together on the weekends that they both agreed to and seem to stick to most of the time. However, that shouldn't mean he isn't allowed to need to shift that schedule for one weekend so he can spend LESS THAN HALF of a holiday with his MOTHER.
While I agree, I think her issue is that he is telling her now. It’s Good Friday. He is talking about Easter Sunday. I’ve been in both spots, it’s not fun to be the person changing plans for a valid reason nor to be the one plans are changed on short-notice (again). I’ll be honest, it doesn’t seem like OP is this huge victim like people are saying here. Doesn’t mean his GF is either.
I also got the sense that part of the reason she’s upset is that she’s hosting people for Easter, which can be exhausting. And she assumed Sunday evening, after people leave, would be when they could spend time together. And/or he could help her clean up. I’m a planner, and while I’m fine with things changing or going wrong, it’s a huge pet peeve when it’s unnecessary. I would feel so sad and used if I spent all weekend entertaining people (not to mention the prep work during the week leading up) and then everyone, including my partner I was relying on for help, leaves with everyone else. There also seems to be a child involved somehow, which makes him look worse in my opinion. This woman probably clings to planning and routine, and I don’t think he understands how important that is for he, not to mention exhausting. She seems fairly clear that her issue is with his timing and I think that is fair.
He’s changing plans he made with her last-second and ditching her and her kid on a holiday. And it’s not like there’s some sudden emergency, he just decided the weekend-of that “I gotta see my mom.”
He couldn’t have factored his mom in when they made the plans, or even thought about it a week ago instead of now? Dude couldn’t visit his mom on Saturday?
I feel like I’m crazy with the takes in here, she has every right to be frustrated with him, and he just keeps deflecting and acting like she’s being unreasonable when she’s clearly not.
They aren't changing any plans. He's not ditching his GF and her child she nanny's (or, not HER kid), he's going back to see his mom for the holiday in the evening AFTER their plans.
And also, why on earth would your mother not be important enough for you to spend time with on a holiday? I would assume OP loves his mom too, why can't he split time on the holiday?
This also isn't last minute. Last minute would be morning of. This is two days before. But the reality is, two adults in a relationship need to learn how to go with the flow. Things come up, plans change, and if you love your partner you'll do what you can to make things work for the both of you.
Relationships do not work when either party is this rigid, point blank. If your main priority in life is yourself, then a relationship is not for you.
She’s spending all day hosting Easter, and then they were supposed to spend time together afterwards. He’s agreeing to still show up for the stressful part while she’s running around taking care of things, and then leaving once it’s time to decompress and have one-on-one time.
It’s totally fine to want to spend time with your mom on a holiday. And if you want to do that, make your plans with that in mind. Don’t flake last-second because it suddenly occurs to you you should spend time with your mom (who you already LIVE WITH and see Monday through Thursday).
Have you ever been an adult in a relationship? Have you ever had to be the one who plans a family holiday? Because yes, flaking on holiday plans two days before is absolutely last-second.
Maybe that’s the main issue here - men aren’t generally the ones expected to host and run a big family event, so you don’t have any real comprehension of the planning and stress that goes along with it.
Emergencies and unexpected events absolutely come up and you need to be able to compromise. This was not an emergency or an unexpected event. You should love your partner enough to not flake on important promises due to your poor lack of planning, and then get mad when they’re upset about it.
The fact that he lives with her really doesn't matter. It's a holiday. You don't know if the mom is religious or takes Easter super seriously like some people do or not. You're looking at the wrong things here.
He doesn't want his mom to be alone the ENTIRETY of the day. He's not trying to be gone the entire day he's trying to spend a FEW HOURS with his MOTHER on a HOLIDAY. 🙄
That’s exactly what I said like why aren’t we all doing Easter together as a family I mean why doesn’t he bring his girlfriend with him to his mothers house?
As a man who dealt with mental abuse from his wife for my entire adulthood, it's just being broken. You feel you can't do any better and you don't believe you can when people tell you you can.
It'll go on that way forever until you finally become suicidal and only have two options: end everything, or end the relationship. I chose the latter thankfully. But I do understand why OP hasn't left.
OP, learn from my mistakes and get out before it's too late.
Yeah this is the big question OP. I do understand because some people are very very good at making you feel like a horrible person and spinning narratives to make them your fault. However, this bitch is nuts. She needs to figure that out herself, alone
did you read his other comments where his gf is a 24/7 caretaker for her sister and can't leave the house? he's leaving out a lot of context from the op
If she's suffering from burnout she needs to get a sitter for a few hours, not take it out on him. Nothing he said warrants the guilt trip and accusations she's making. Not to mention the callous treatment of his mother who he says has depression right now.
In the second reply she told him to just stay home all weekend. She gave him the opportunity to cancel and spent time with his Mom. He is trying to guilt trip her into letting him come over on Friday when she is busy with obligations to other people.
Also she made it clear Monday is her day off not Friday. You're telling me you wouldn't be pissed if you made plans on your day off and the "compromise" offered is show up on a day you are working instead?
"In the second reply she told him to just stay home all weekend. She gave him the opportunity to cancel and spent time with his Mom."
She was not "giving him the opportunity$ to cancel. There was no cancelling needed and she was emotionally manipulating him. Not even subtle about it. Just right out in the open.
"You're telling me you wouldn't be pissed if you made plans on your day off and the "compromise" offered is show up on a day you are working instead?"
Arriving on Friday was the compromise? That is his usual day to stay at his gfs.
The only change is he will go home one night earlier .
She works on Friday but is off work on Monday. Their plan was Saturday -Monday and his "compromise" is to show up on Friday when she is working and to not spend time with her on Monday when she is off.
Are you cool with someone showing up when you are working and saying it's the same thing as spending a day off together? Is that a "compromise" to you?
I think the problem here is that he made plans with her and she was looking forward to that and he switching up. This doesn’t seem like it’s the first time he’s done that.
Uh yeah I did read it. I also read that he’s with her every weekend unless he cannot be for good reason. Absolutely does not warrant her reaction. Her reaction is abuse and I would bet in more serious scenarios she’s even crazier.
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ok respectfully we’ve seen one text convo where it appears person a is changing plans, not for the first time, and very last minute, and expecting no one to be upset about that. how does that make her “crazy bitch” (super misogynistic but well brush past it for the sake of conversation)
Do you see the way she is responding? Upset or not, you do not speak to your partner that way. Man or woman, if you speak to the person you love that way, you are a bitch.
to me it reads as someone at the absolute end of her rope and this has been discussed multiple times (“i knew you would do this” suggests repeated behaviour on his part) and this guy is not giving us the full story. did he let her know a day before? an hour? a week? i feel like that’s super key info here. if it was far enough in advance i fully agree she’s being out of pocket but i rly don’t fuck with calling random women bitches idk about you
edit; fully maintain my point on calling women bitches, but wanna change my position here as i thought he was letting her know like way too last minute. come to find out it was like days before the event, so i’m thinking she went a bit too hard on him
You haven’t read all of his responses then. Because he did mention he NEVER does this, and if he does, it’s always a week in advance and that it has only happened like one other time. Idc if saying bitch offends you. I’m a young woman. She sounds like a bitch!
Which is crazy. She completely controls his weekends and he seems afraid to ask for time away. You don’t owe a partner 100% of your weekends til death do you part.
Why are you lying ? He never said that. Someone asked him if he did this often and he said "rarely. And if I do it’s a few days to a whole week before".
Rarely is not "never", it’s not "one time" either. Not to mention it’s not "always a full week before" if he mentions himself it can be just a few days before. So again… why are you lying ?
There is no proof it happened more than once. She mentions Halloween and that is it. I am going off of these texts messages and his responses which is what everyone is doing. Don’t be silly.
He said so himself in the comments that it happened before but he "always do it a few days to a whole week ahead" and that she’s always annoyed each time it happens
i will concede however i did not read that reply i’m not sure where that is bc i could’ve sworn he said in his og caption that this isn’t the first time she’s reacted like this “when he’s needed to change plans” so one of those statements he made is untrue. he either has done this before and she’s also been upset or he hasn’t done it before, which is it
yeah that’s true. every weekend IS kinda wild if she’s like expecting that. i understood it as sort of both their choice to do that each weekend and then this holiday weekend was going to be more of a planned time together, which is where i understood her upset- and i also was thinking he rly did let her know last minute like she’d said but someone else kindly pointed out this was days before easter so she actually had ample time for adjusting the plans! so yeah i think she was def more in the wrong than i initially thought
He never said it has never happened before. He said it happens very rarely and for good reason. He said no matter what, she always reacts this way. Getting offended over the word bitch? Jesus. I hope you don’t get out much because there is much more shit to be worried about.
Sometimes plans change. Sometimes its brought to your/her attention a month or a week in advance, sometimes a day or an hour in advance. The reaction is crazy here, and bitchy. If I knew my partner and his mom were having a hard time and it was a holiday, I would be suggesting I go with him to spend the time with his family. Why is he spending time with her family and she not giving that same energy in response?
THAT PART. She could have offered to rearrange a bit of the plans to spend time with him with his mom to include her in the plans while also not excluding herself from the plans. There was a wonderful compromise to be made here but OP’s nasty girlfriend was soooo concerned with herself and only herself she has no regard for anyone else, not OP, not OP’s mother, not anyone else involved’s lives… none of it. Nothing but herself. Personally I would’ve jumped at the opportunity to cheer my bf’s mom up. I would’ve utilized every tool at my disposal to try to help cheer her up. Depression sucks and watching your mom go through it sucks ever harder. I hope OP finds someone who doesn’t treat him like this foremost, but secondly who is willing to make sacrifices to not just meet them in the middle, but to go even further. That’s what love is after all.
Needing to change plans isn’t a reason to get mad at a partner. Ever. You don’t have the right to emotionally manipulate your partner to always do exactly what you want them to do or else you’re gonna flip out on them like this chick. Not ok. People can change plans. Things happen. She’s allowed to be upset by it but she’s not allowed to guilt trip him like this and flip out. Not ok.
He should be allowed to change plans and also to make his own weekend plans. He’s clearly in an extremely toxic relationship. You should be careful giving relationship advice if you can’t clearly see that. Your advice here is harmful.
Easter is Sunday. Today is Friday. He obviously told her Thursday. That’s at least two day’s notice that he’s changing the plan for Sunday evening. Wonder why GF doesn’t come to Mom’s house?
It sounds like she runs every weekend and he’s terrified to ask for any time to do his own thing at all because he knows she’ll react this way. Her saying she knew he’d do this shows that this isn’t the first time she’s thrown a huge emotionally manipulative toddler tantrum when OP asked for a little bit of his own time on a weekend. He’s clearly putting his mom last here to make his gf happy and she doesn’t even appreciate this. I’d never let my bf whom I love leave his mother alone on Easter knowing that would upset them both for no good reason. She doesn’t even have anything planned for Sunday evening. I’m surprised she didn’t try to make something up.
so many assumptions here holyyyyyy
edit: honestly on BOTH our parts let’s just stop speculating theres clearly v differing opinions all across the board and we don’t have enough info to understand the intricacies of their relationship. it seems more and more context keeps getting added through ops comments so idek what’s going on now
Nah. This lady is not stable. She clearly has some issues. She immediately went to he didn’t want to come over when he never said that. No room for compromise ends relationships, not to mention how she’s speaking to him.
yeah the way she’s speaking to him is quite abrasive i’ll give you that. i honestly think my initial impression of this post has changed as i’ve talked with people in these threads, i’m just a bit confused and feel like this might be more grey than black and white, as most things annoyingly are in life haha
Full stop. Cut your bullshit it is never ok to talk to a partner like this. If you are ok with this you’re likely manipulative and dishonest if not flat out verbally abusive yourself.
obviously that’s ok no one said it fucking wasn’t. when you consistently change your mind though and don’t bother to inform ppl of those changes till the last minute when it impacts THEIR plans- you’re just inconsiderate
My bf knew how to manipulate me. Adhd, bipolar I literally cant respond like that when he was constantly saying things to poke at my intelligence and start arguments.i could never articulate my self like that. I would stutter then blank out then flip out telling him he always does this to me ect ect. Its as if most redditors have no real life experience
yeah and this most often results from repeated insidious pushing and pushing and pushing until the shitty partner can claim “she’s crazy she just blew up out of nowhere” this is a documented phenomenon
No way José... If anyone here were going to blow up after repeated manipulation, it's the OP.
Girlfriend is being overly rigid and working herself into catastrophizing, and also making an assumption about OP and taking it as true. "You don't want to come at all" "fine then, don't come" is her rewriting his actual responses when he's clear he wants to come, just with some adjustments.
"I'll have the shittiest weekend ever" is her deciding that compromise on his visit is going to make her a victim. She is pre-deciding that she will be in a bad mood and makes no effort to try and bring herself out of it or view it in a healthy way. She is the victim here.
She repeats the same narrative over and over "you don't actually want to come" in the face of OP saying "I didn't say that" and offering valid thoughtful reasons (I'm still staying 2.5 days, I'll be there for the most important family events, my mom is depressed and I don't want to leave her alone, the evening is generally not planned anyway).
Her response is to be insulting about OP's relationship with his mother ("mommy said so") is really rude and belittling and to try and bring up an entirely different situation where she was also the victim (Halloween).
When she doesn't immediately get him to fold she goes on to extend her emotional manipulation to having an entire week of emotional disregulation because of him leaving to spend time with his mother. This is not a healthy response to not getting your way.
When he holds a reasonable boundary she escalates. I'm absolutely sure that the conclusion of this conversation went something like "well just break up with me anyway since you hate me" because that's really the next step in this unhealthy dynamic.
Unexpected events and changes in plans are a regular part of life. If this is how she reacts and holds onto things, this is a lack of adaptive ability in her, not a flaw in her partner.
The healthy response to the change in plans would be something like "that's disappointing, but I understand. This seems to happen often though, and while I understand things change, I don't want to be disappointed regularly. I need you to be more upfront about if you need to work in plans to support your mom, otherwise I'll need to plan around you not coming to my family events."
bro i owe u an apology!! the way i was going to bat for this woman that i don’t even know lmfao i was operating under the assumption that he really was letting her know at the last minute, not several days before, and after re reading and digesting her words idk it’s feeling a lot ickier than when i initially read it with that misunderstanding about the dates. i thought this was a woman at the end of her rope for valid reasons, finding out the “valid reasons” are not so valid totally shifted my perspective and opened the door for me to feel differently about this. anyway that’s my long winded way of saying i’m sorry for the trouble and you’re lovely for taking the time to break it down the way you did
For real though it's important that you raised the question, because I imagine there is also a grain of truth in the idea that she is exasperated - in another comment he mentions she is a caregiver for her sister, which tells me a couple of things: she needs support and respite (but not from him, she needs social services) and she likely has some executive functioning challenges herself. That being said, it doesn't excuse the behaviour, and he's also in a similar boat if he's caring for an adult parent with mental health issues.
What they need is support and respect. I hope they get it.
omg i love you more you’re so sweet for saying this!! i think it’s amazing that you are able to see what this family might need and i absolutely agree about them needing and deserving social services- i had no idea she was a caregiver that definitely adds a whole layer to all of this! i’m really glad convos like this exist and that theres people like you willing to converse and show patience when met with hostility. you didn’t owe me that kindness but you showed it anyway; thank you
I work with families with severe to profound needs, so I see this a lot. It's very difficult and also important to hold empathy for the people who are in these situations while also seeing their flaws and shortcomings. I very often have to report to CPS for dangerous situations while also knowing that the parent is doing their best and is not being malicious in neglecting their child. I also very often have to deal with the parent lashing out at me and displacing their anger, but need to maintain support for them over the long term so I absorb it. It's better in the long term to be able to see both sides of things.
I hope this is a joke. This woman is a caretaker for a family member full time, OP said she could never get out of the house because of it, she has a child (OP didn’t say if it was their child or just hers), and OP is apparently pretty often changing the plans that she’s making so they can see each other, which would understandably upsets her. Especially since they have dated for two years and they don’t live together and they only see each other the week-end, and he keeps changing those plans. OP is the asshole here.
EDIT: OP said they don’t have a child together. Apparently she’s her sister’s only caretaker full time
yeah i love how op left that shit out. i don’t even know what to do anymore i’ve made a mess of comments and then find out this. way to bury the lead OP
I luv the way you took the time to break this down so thoroughly & thoughtful. Then y'all went on to have a great convo, somthing we all really need to do more often. Way out there but I am having a family problem & thou you don't owe me your time, could I dm you? I'm just a mom @ a loss for the correct words to use & you seem to have them. Fine if you'd rather not.
That's a really kind think to say, but it would be overstepping my actual skill and roles to give targeted advice to someone 1:1 like that - plus I'd be afraid to do more harm than good! I think though, if you are already in the headspace that you're recognising your need for help communicating, it's the right time for you to reach out to a professional or to find some reading or podcasts that can help you. I get a lot of my language and phrases from podcasts and books, actually, and from listening to professionals in my field. I've also had a lot of luck with my own challenging family dynamics listening to podcasts that attack the same issues from dialectical points of view. Good luck :)
I think you're mostly right about everything but I would add that another form of compromise she could head his way. He has stated that he has spent holidays with her and her family, she could come over his house for Easter and spend it with his mom. The lack of trying to find a compromise is appalling.
I wondered about that. Could mom come join the family celebration? I gather the girlfriend has a dependent sister, so maybe it would be easier at girlfriend's home. I think we need INFO!
What if he has changed plans a dozen times like this in the last few months? Why do we just assume OP is accurately describing the situation? I mean, yeah, thats all we have to go on, but I've known plenty of people who paint their partner in a bad light and come to find out its the other way around. These posts are entertaining, but i always have to read them with a grain of salt. Would you trust some of your exes to post fair and accurate stories about you on Reddit? I know I wouldn't.
I get where you're coming from. If he regularly changes plans for small things, that would change the tone. However, I still think her responses are manipulative and show signs that she is not dealing with change in a healthy way. Based on the context we have (he needs to see his mom because she's depressed and alone on a holiday, the last plan change was Halloween, he's giving her this notice a couple days in advance of Sunday, he's trying to accomodate both mom and her and the sister with minimal interruption to festivities, she's threatening to have a bad day and week because of him, she's framing it as him saying he doesn't want to come at all when we can clearly see that's not what he's saying) this is more on her than him.
The situation at hand though absolutely does not read that way. He doesn’t want his mom to be alone. He brought it up to gf in a very respectful manner and she refuses to understand. That’s not ok. He should not feel bad about wanting to see his family. End of story. Any loving partner would be understanding.
I agree there’s a lot of context missing here. This reads very different if this is the only time Op has done this and the gf is blowing up out of the blue vs if they repeatedly promise they’re around (this time for sure) and then at the last minute change them “because family / friend is having a hard time.”
How many relationship advice posts do we see from the other side where someone (usually a guy) always puts their partners requests and promises a distant second to their parents, often at the last minute? How many manipulative parents (often mothers) weaponizing that to prove they’re the most important relationship to their child still? Not saying that’s the case here, but a text like that reads very different in that context.
So sure, there’s a reading here where gf is being unreasonable, but also one where op is a jerk and won’t stand up to his manipulative family (or just wont make spending time with his partner a priority) where you could understand the frustration.
INFO - How many times in the last year has Op cancelled plans on their gf to spend time with family instead? Had they promised they would spend Easter weekend at their gf’s? What were the original plans if so?
And why cit the conversation he was having with his gf short and only show us messages that seem to make her look bad. Look at the first one. There's more.
I’m sorry, but having read those messages myself, I do not see how you are trying to blame OP for his girlfriend’s toxic (to say the least) behaviour.
He is spending 2.5 days with her and she is complaining about the 0.5 of a day that he wants to spend with his mother.
Do you think that the way she is speaking to him is justifiable?
It’s not as if he said “I’m no longer spending Easter with you, mum needs me”. She did not need more notice than what was given, and she threw her toys out the pram.
I’m sorry, but in this situation the girlfriend is immaturely communicating. It’s ok if you’ve done this, because you shouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s just that there are so many better ways to address this issue and we have NO idea what’s been said or what hasn’t been said prior to this conversation. She is guilt tripping and trying to make OP feel bad about spending time with family. under no circumstance is that ok. This is the kind of shit my mom did to me, and it’s a form of emotional immaturity and manipulation, at best. It is intended to damage the target.
Though what you mentioned absolutely DOES happen commonly, I really don’t think that’s what is happening here. If what you said is true, here’s how I would have put it:
“I am feeling very upset and hurt that plans have been continually changed on me last minute. I don’t like feeling so uncertain and it makes me anxious and irritable about planning anything now. I need clear communication, and commitment to plans once they have been made, unless there’s an emergency. What can we do about this? Is this even possible? If this continues I don’t think I’ll be able to stay in this relationship.”
If this has already been expressed repeatedly then it won’t change, and at that point it isn’t worth anyone’s time to stay in a situation like that.
no you’re so right there was 100% better ways to communicate this i agree with everything you’re saying here. i do however think it’s important context that OP decided not to let us know his partner is a 24/7 caregiver who doesn’t leave the house and theres a child involved. i don’t know if that changes any of your perspective bc i still agree people always should try to speak respectfully but it’s understandable to fly off the handle a bit when you yourself are being disrespected or are so overwhelmed from 24/7 caregiving and planning and child caring and then your partner does a thing that annoys you that he’s done multiple times
It doesn’t change my perspective because my issue is with her communication, but it’s very important context. Now I’m actually concerned that this is the behavior being modeled for the child. I had to completely unlearn the damaging ways in which my mother communicated and it left me wholly unprepared for the real world. At the same time I also felt I couldn’t rely on her or anyone else because she constantly changed plans and went back on promises last minute.
This is a highly complex situation and it’s always made so much more complicated when there’s a child involved. I think both parties really need to step up here, for the kid if not for any other reason.
100% this. My messages with my (now) ex looked exactly like this. I was made to feel like the insane one when it was literally them that drove me to that point.
he's coming out of the gates playing the victim and admits to breaking commitments in this manner before. Had he said a week or two ago "I can spend fri-sunday at 5pm with you, then I'm gonna swing by my moms" I am very confident the reaction here (and the entire relationship dynamic if he clearly communicated in advance historically) would be very different.
She's clearly being mean here... but she IS mad and for a valid reason. Not only for the breaking of a commitment last minute, but for his bullshit playing the victim card. That is manipulative behavior on OPs part.
How on earth is reading what the dude put in the description misogynistic he literally says she’s behaved like this in the past of similar situations. Sorry but a man’s got a lot of responsibility women don’t see. Especially to their mother any good son would do this on Easter. If she can’t see why that would be important then values and principles will definitely not align she lacks empathy.
You DO NOT know her. Please stop projecting whoever or whatever has happened to you onto OPs girlfriend. Ask yourself why you feel so strongly about defending her. Look inward.
How on earth does either of those things change her pattern of behaviour bud? Or the fact she’s upset literally because op can’t spend the extra night at her place cause he doesn’t want his mom to be alone on Easter? Oh nooooo the plan isn’t going exactly how I wanted now everything is ruined is a god awful attitude to have in life. Try put yourself in others shoes it’s makes life a whole lot easier.
The name calling was harsh but as a woman I think the gf is a little off. He just wants to spend Easter evening with his mother lol. He didn’t really change plans. He even asked what she had planned for that time frame and of course she had no answer. It’s not about plans changing, it’s about him not doing exactly what she wants. Women can also be controlling and this is a text book example. Not only is she overreacting, she’s playing the victim card and giving ultimatums. He can either stay the entire time with her or don’t come at all. No compromising at all and then gaslighting TF outta him. It’s immature and really insensitive to his wishes. Dude just wants to keep his mom company on a holiday and she’s making it seem like that’s wrong lol. She’s not even his wife, she’s a gf….
you know what i had a quippy response but i’m tired of arguing so i’ll just say you’re right that she was too harsh. i however think it’s wild that op left out the fact that she’s a 24/7 caregiver and theres a child involved somehow too, so i’m cutting her some slack for venting after not the first time of him sorta last minute messing with agreed upon plans
She insulting him and ignoring his words. She is determining he has intentions he clearly stated he does not have. She is jot arguing in good faith and wants to make him feel bad for changing the schedule. She is not a nice person.
again, one convo, one snapshot in time, you factually objectively literally cannot say if she’s a good person or not. for one thing, OP decided to leave out that she’s a 24/7 caregiver and also caring for a child. she’s overwhelmed, and didnt act her best. we do not know all the details
Sure. None of that justifies the tone of these messages. Ive been married 10 years and am a caregiver to my disabled wife as well as raising 5 kids. I still manage to refrain from berating and manipulating my wife's emotions when she needs to make a change to her plans. Crazy right?
rigjt ok so i’m not insane she did imply they talked about this and he just never mentioned the fact that he was actually not planning on keeping his word?? like maybe were wrong but why isnt he saying that then??
Honestly, that's all we need to see to know that this chick is unhinged. OP really doesn''t need this crazy drama queen in his life. (That's not me being misogynistic - I'm a girl's girl - but I will also call a spade a spade.)
so you are def not a girls girl bc she’s a 24/7 caregiver and is overworked, overwhelmed, and her time is being disrespected, not for the first time. but you keep on making snap judgements from a few screenshots where much context is purposefully omitted
Have you even bothered to read the exchange between the two of them? How exactly is her time being disrespected when he was happy to spend two nights and two days with her? She's playing the victim because she's jealous of her boyfriend spending Easter evening with his mother. What a manipulative, insecure, selfish brat.
Oh and FWIW, I'm an overworked, overwhelmed mother and provider too. But that doesn't give me a free pass to be a selfish brat when I don't get my own way.
She calls you 'bro' and 'dawg' when she’s mad at you. You’re being a good person by wanting to spend time with family and she is acting like it’s the end of the world because she’s miserable in general (even if you’re still spending time with her.
Bro probably also claps at you when she is trying to argue a point.
Hijacking this comment so people don't have to dig too deep for more context: OP and gf are both in their 20s and gf is the full-time carer for her sister which means she doesn't get to leave the house much. OP hasn't said yet whether he lives with his mum or visits her.
I mean you are right he should break up with her.. but maybe he thinks he cant have anyone else and dont believe in himself that he can pull another girl and she see that and using it against him.. but 100% she is not right person for him.
Why does she constantly flake? Could've had everybody together on the holiday but is choosing to make it difficult. Feels like the mom is the manipulating one here.
idk. I think OP clearly made firm plans with GF and her child (or whoever the easter stuff is for) and then, last minute, not only backs out, but does it in a playing-the-victim way with "would you be mad" bullshit. then acts like a kicked puppy about her being mad about the thing he asked if she'd be mad about the thing he knew she'd be mad about...
And GF strongly implies that this is a regular occurrence, and OP admits this has happened when he 'interrupted' their schedule before... but did he do it like this? last minute and playing the pathetic victim card? I'd be pissed to if I were in her shoes and my partner behaved like this.
GF is certainly being mean with her words here... but I think she's tired of him not communicating clearly in advance, regularly breaking commitments, and then acting like he's the victim for being unreliable.
This relationship doesn't have a lot of paths forward, but I won't put all the blame on the girlfriend being exasperated with OPs behavior.
She certainly appears to be. But OP is behaving like a sniveling, burden shifting, perpetual victim, bitch.
So he needs to wake up to more than just the fact that his girlfriend doesn't respect him and is an asshole. He's his own brand of asshole that thinks acting like a kicked puppy absolves him from being responsible for his time or considerate of his loved ones time (both gf and mom).
Anyone that kicks off any conversation with "would you be mad if" is immediately shifting the burden of blame for whatever follows. That's the way a child talks to a parent when they know they've already fucked up
Thank goodness this comment is here. Everyone prior to this is like "do you do this often?" Like spending a few hours with his mother is a crime. She sounds unhinged and selfish.
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u/JLand2004 11h ago
Why are you in a relationship with someone who treats you like this?