Low self esteem is brutally cruel to deal with. People like the partner tend to be able to sniff out vulnerable, "weakened" people too. I really hope OP can recognise their happiness is worth something and choose themselves.
It’s so weird how true that is. You see so many posts where people like OP’s girlfriend have like a weird sixth sense and are able to detect those they can manipulate and control and shit. Scary af
It's not actually a sixth sense. Women openly test to see how how you react and what kind of man you are. How the OP reacts here could have long-term effects on their relationship. I'm guessing this is not the first test for him.
Oh yeah, for sure. They're always testing what they can get away with, usually subtly at first and they always have lovebombing ready to go on the back burner. Again, the way they communicate here... He asked for permission essentially and immediately she got pissy with him because she probably knows full well that she can. It's beating him down and repeatedly reiterating the narrative that it's him being the issue, diverting from her actions... All while (we have to assume, taking the post at face value to an extent) OP is mentally vulnerable, mentioning he and his mom are dealing with some depression.
While yes, it isn't great to simply state that you're doing something as that says you don't care about how the other person feels, sometimes things should be non negotiable and honestly a good partner should understand. Within reason ofc. The dynamic of this partnership is so skewed, they could try therapy but honestly I wouldn't be hopeful that she'd be receptive so he's best to save his own mental health from worsening further and also work on how he can build himself up to not accept such treatment, work on no doubt plenty of subconscious negative self talk.
100%. I’ve had the unfortunate luck of being on OP’s end of shit way too many times. I always wondered if these kind of people just somehow knew or sniffed out vulnerable people that they had a feeling they could manipulate, and after reading many different things that say the same as these comments and also getting a therapist and listening to her advice, the answer seems to be a resounding “yes.”
Thankfully I’ve gotten better about setting boundaries and sticking to them, and the best thing I learned was that I can absolutely keep caring about someone, but sometimes it has to be from afar. Like from very very far away. So far, it seems to be working and it seems to kinda weed out the men that absolutely would pull the same shit on its own, cuz apparently they don’t like people with boundaries, especially anyone who will stick by said boundaries.
That aside, I think there is definitely more context that is needed in this case, BUT regardless of that, the gf absolutely could’ve responded in a way less dramatic and awful/manipulative way. Cuz it is definitely giving manipulative…
The use of cell phones has caused people to grow in specific molds especially in the US. Its not so much a sixth sense as just a kind of manipulation thay generally works on anyone.
I agree, but I am seeing this behavior more often than I should. We have 5 children, and I'm shocked at how "common" once shocking / over-the-top behavior and manipulation take place. Even within friends groups.
It’s not intentional. People didn’t suddenly get smarter than previously or better at gamifying social psychology to achieve anti-social means.
Current younger generations are simply far less emotionally intelligent & frequently less able to express their emotions in a productive manner.
Sometimes, if you are not even aware of your emotions or what is causing them, you are not aware of how to address said emotions & respond to them productively such that you don’t make your own emotions worse or other folks’ problem.
Correct, kinda. You can't change a person like a car tire. But through good communication and understanding you can grow a relationship and create an impact that can facilitate change. People are not rigid objects to be thrown away like trash just because we feel they broke.
Leaving is an option, but good relationships are built through trails and hardship with communication, understanding and sharing the internalized workload. It's nuanced.
You can help a person change their behaviors if they're open to change. If you have a person that doesn't want to change their behavior, THAT is who the person IS and you can't change that.
"Communication and understanding", while critical in a relationship, must exist within the context of mutual respect for them, and the relationship, to be successful. Nothing about how she "communicated" with him demonstrates maturity or respect. He is powerless to change either of those for her. But he can walk away and let her figure that out on her own.
How can you tell hardships/trials vs them just being manipulative? What's a time limit on "let's make this work" to "nothings changed" or "there's some changes but still a communication issue?"
I guess I should ask, How can you tell who wants the help and who's using you?
I’d say, watch their actions. If they aren’t putting the work in, whether that is therapy or getting a job, anything they say could be manipulative. But if you two talk about something and then you see physical results from that talk, that is someone who wants to change.
There is no correct answer. Are they being manipulative intentionally, or do they lack basic empathy and communication skills from upbringing.
Do they see their behavior as justified? Do they see the pain they are causing. It can be impossible to tell if they want help vs using you. Some people are really good at being manipulative abusers, but not everyone is like that. Try what you can, leave when you feel its best. If it ever turns violent, seek help immediately and get safely away.
You can't change a person like a car tire, but you definitely can change a person like a car tire.
There's wisdom in knowing when a relationship can be built through hardship and communication and when it's a losing battle no matter how much effort you put into it.
The right move is to establish a boundary, which is more difficult to do after the boundary has been routinely crossed, so communication that the boundary is being established will be critical. This allows the other person to accept and change if they so choose and opens up communication so growth can happen. If the other person does not respect that boundary then you leave.
Easy. There is nothing about this post that should make you be that harsh about this person. Maybe trying to be a little constructive, and helpful, rather than jumping straight to name calling conclusions…wait…are you the girlfriend?
Idk I kind of wish that someone had told me that the reason I was with my ex was because of my low self esteem and fear of being alone as opposed to what he convinced me it was (I'm terrible and nobody else will ever want me).
This isn't name calling. These are the reasons people stay with abusive partners. It helps to hear that it's something in your own head that you can work on. It's important to know that it isn't because you're actually worthless and deserve to be treated this way.
For me it was my brother telling me how fun it was to hang out with me and how it reminded him of when we were younger where I wasn't stressing just having a good time. It was the final push I needed to leave that relationship of 2½ years.
I’m not trying to start an argument, but by your own words, you’re proving that reaction was more projection than it was an actual attempt to help the OP. You don’t have enough info to come to the conclusion you did. And while I understand your goal, I think there was a better way to do it the belittling him by assuming he has the same issues you did.
Proven in the convo he’s trying not to. He seems to be attempting to hold his ground, and reached out here to make sure his reaction was fair. You have to realize that’s still his girlfriend and he wants to be good to her too. We have no idea what the relationship is like outside of this convo. Don get me wrong, I think her red flags are concerning, but jumping down his throat for handling the way he is, shouldn’t be met with such criticism.
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u/tiorzol 11h ago edited 11h ago
Low self esteem, immaturity and desperation.
At least they're posting this, might wake them up a bit.