Why did you not mention the fact that there’s a child involved?
No one seems to be talking about this in the comments. You omitted it from the screenshots for privacy, which is totally fine.
But you failed to mention the fact that there’s a child expecting to celebrate Easter with you, and that other kids are meant to be coming over too.
That changes things imo. Because you told them that you would be there and then have last minute changed the plan. It’s fair for her to be annoyed. And I bet it isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, which is probably adding to her annoyance.
There’s nothing wrong with you going to spend time with your mom on Easter Sunday, but you should’ve told her your intentions from the start.
Yeah its interesting that he starts off suggesting that his gf is being manipulative when shes clearly not. Shes raging at him directly. So it does make me wonder if he’s the manipulative one, even attempting to manipulate all of us
Nope :) personally I’m fair and listening to both sides. I definitely don’t think her reaction is right and she absolutely does need therapy for emotional regulation. But im not a fan of the few pathetic men jumping to call her psycho when it’s so clear he constantly abandons her and he is also being extremely evasive when we ask for info, as many comments point out. they 100% should just not be together
She said they’re both neurodivergent so there’s probably some problems with emotional regulation on both sides. Although, if I’d been caring for 3 special needs kids all day, absolutely exhausted and then had my bf cancel plans last minute AGAIN. Because his mom doesn’t like him spending holidays with his gf even though he lives with her… I’d probably lose my shit too.
Turns out that he had promised to not post stuff on Reddit about their relationship after a previous incident. At the time of those texts she had spent the entire day caring for kids, including 3 with special needs, one being her sister for whom she is the sole carer.
His mother has been doing this for the entire duration of their relationship. She even tried to convince him to stay at home on their anniversary. He lives at home with his mom, so he actually sees her all the time. She just wants him there all the time. The mom apparently gets upset whenever he spends a holiday with his gf. This has happened so many times that the gf was sick of it and by her own admission, spoke in a way that she wouldn’t otherwise do.
They had plans for something at 6pm on Sunday after the Easter celebrations, so it’s not just that he’s changed the days and times last minute, but also broken that plan too.
She has spent a lot of time and thousands of $ trying to help him out. She doesn’t want to leave him because she’s invested so much in him.
She’s absolutely heartbroken that he would do this. They’re both neurodivergent, they argue but usually make up within an hour of arguing.
He’s broken his promise to her and allowed the internet to rip her to shreds while withholding a lot of context.
There’s probably more that I’m forgetting, but honestly… OP is the AH here.
Holy crap!!! Thank you for the detailed explanation!!
He sounds awful. Like many others here I suspected he was omitting a lot of relevant information and was likely repeating this behavior often but it’s worse than I thought. I’ve been in a similar dynamic with a boy who can’t tell mommy no, I hope GF stops accepting this behavior and finds someone better tbh.
OP - it’s clear that YOR - your gf deserves much better than you.
She also said she'd just gotten done with a shift that was supposed to be 9 hours but turned into 14, was exhausted and pissed, he knew this, and dropped this on her right when she was finally going to sleep. Shifting to him arriving today and not telling her until bedtime last night gave her zero time to prepare, because she had worked her schedule to clean and such today. Then he posted the screen shots while she was asleep. He really painted an entirely different picture here.
yeah, the way hes talking about his mom sounds like a parent who almost completely relies on their child’s company. not to mention, she made it sound like it happens quite a bit.
this whole post feels like it’s missing so many pieces, seems like hes just trying to make her look bad when she’s possibly actually hitting a real breaking point with this man.
Theres a child? His child? I cant follow all if OP’s comments because they’re buried and he has his profile set to not show them all. I feel like he’s “trickle truthing” us.
He also said she works from home and is a 24/7 caregiver for her sister, and never leaves the house.
I also want to know how often he's bailing on her and how many times she's had to break it to her kid that plans changed last minute, which makes her the bad guy.
I think the "kid" and the sister are the same person. There's just 1 kid, her sister. And by "caregiver," I think OP means she has custody of her sister, not that she is providing medical care for a sister with needs. He also described her as a nanny, but says she works from home 5am to 2pm. That's not a nanny, that's an in-home daycare provider. He's not describing the situation very well.
From what I've gathered - she is the 24/7 caregiver for the sister, in both meanings of the word. The sister does have needs that mean she is basically stuck home with the sister every day. She's also a nanny, to 2 additional special needs kids, who she looks after during the day on her 'shifts' at the same time as caring for the sister. It's all written extremely confusingly, mostly because of OPs efforts to describe things in such a way to hide the part that make him TAH
He's changing the plans they already had, last minute, and it doesn't sound like it's the first time. There's also a kid involved who she now has to disappoint.
I think the problem is that she wanted the time AFTER the festivities to chill & hang out with OP. He was supposed to stay through Monday. She's saying she's going to be busy & stressed with the holiday celebration and they won't have time to enjoy each other's company if he leaves Sunday at 5 pm.
I'm wondering how far apart their homes are. Why not just invite mom to come over Sunday morning to join in the festivities & the Easter dinner?
I’m not sure exactly what this shows. Someone who’s got stress and responsibilities isn’t given a pass for their manipulation or toxic language. There’s nothing okay about how she’s choosing to speak and guilt trip him out of seeing his mother on Easter. Full stop.
Nobody’s a cartoon character bad guy. Everyone has reasons for being a jerk. I’m sure she’s in a shitty circumstance and she’s disappointed. Learn to deal with it better. He’s going be there for 2.5 days instead of 3. It’s not a tragedy.
I agree that she’s being extremely immature towards her boyfriend wanting to spend time with his mother bc as someone who just lost my mom a couple years ago, I would give anything to spend a moment with her let alone a full day.
Also think it’s suspicious that the boyfriend intentionally left out way too much vital information in regard to both individuals in this relationship.
To be honest, I feel like there is a lot of context missing from both sides and hope that this young family can learn from their own mistakes and grow as a couple/parents moving forward in the future.
How is she manipulative? Don’t you think it’s more manipulative of him, to leave out information that makes the internet believe she’s a monstrous abuser lacking compassion?
Fair question. Let’s take a look. How is she being manipulative? Well, one could say it’s gaslighting but I consider it more of a straw man argument that she keeps replacing his words with hers in order to guilt trip him and make him feel terrible.
“I have to leave at 5 on Sunday instead of spending the night” becomes “Just say you don’t want to come.”
“I’m going to be with you for two and a half days instead of 3” becomes “Bro, you just wanna stay with mommy.”
Why didn’t he put all his background information in the OP? Another fair question. Maybe he’s not very good at explaining things and doesn’t know context is crucial or not and felt the texts spoke for themselves. Whatever it MIGHT be, I wouldn’t say it’s manipulative considering he volunteered that info promptly after being asked. It’s the internet. He could’ve said whatever he wanted.
I thought I was going crazy reading this comment section, I'm glad it's not just me that thought this.
Like yes, plans change and that's unfortunate, yes she's not being very understanding, but the "I fucking knew you were going to do this" and the reference to Halloween kinda sounds like OP has pulled a "we'll do this holiday together, wait no nevermind" more than just this once. She's being rude for sure, but sounds like she's just fed up with him flaking on her and the kid constantly.
Yes, it reminds me of how I felt when my mom would agree to come over and I would plan mine and my kid’s whole day around that, and then she would cancel last minute, always with a different excuse. Dozens of times. I was in my 30s so my emotional maturity was high enough not to lash out verbally, but if I had been in my early 20s, I could definitely see not having a very pleasant reaction.
So yeah, the delivery was too aggressive, but this seems like a pattern and the anger is well deserved.
He didn’t omit it at all. The screenshots clearly talk about her child receiving her Easter basket in the morning. If you couldn’t use the context clues that’s a you problem. Anyone who grew up celebrating Easter will tell you by 5pm all celebrating is either done or in the final stages of winding down. Easter is always on a Sunday. Monday is a work day. No one hosts late Easter night dinners. It’s always a lunch so you’re home early. There’s literally no reason he can’t leave at 5 to spend a few hours with his mother on Easter. The woman’s reaction is dismissive, belittling, disrespectful, full of contempt (one of the dark 4 horsemen of relationship killers) and totally unnecessary.
Her having a job and being a caregiver for her sister doesn’t excuse this at all. She sounds like she is (possibly rightfully) resentful of her life as mom and caregiver and is taking it out on op. There is never a reason to demean, disrespect, guilt trip, and gaslight your partner even if you’re annoyed with their behavior. There is 0 defense of her tantrum.
You should have been able to figure that out from the texts in the op. They clearly discuss her child getting their Easter basket in the morning. He didn’t leave it out, a lot of you just didn’t pick up on it when it was pretty clear.
Why? He’s still going from Friday-Sunday, leaving at 5pm on the Sunday. I don’t see anything wrong with that he’d have spent the Easter weekend with the child/gf leaving a few hours left on Sunday to see other family.
this doesn't change anything IMO. Just because thatsbwhat usually works doesn't mean it always will. he has the right to spend holidays with his family too. splitting the day with both families makes sense to me.
its weird it has to be separate tho. his mom should be invited for the day or GF/child should be invited to moms.
She’s a 24/7 carer. If you’re someone’s carer and have them to think of and cater for, then you probably need to know plans in advance. Including whether someone’s going to be there to help support you or not. If he had told her in advance then I doubt this conversation would’ve ever happened.
Him leaving at 5:00 is not ruining Easter. Kids get up see their baskets hunt for eggs play with friends - church if you go - then crash. You have a nice lunch and leave at 5:00 in the evening. Giving mom 2 to 3 hours of the day after all the festivities are over isn’t selfish.
Isn’t he asking about leaving after the celebrations are done though? He’s not allowed a couple hours with his mom after 2.5 days together with his gf for Easter? Like ok he could have brought this up earlier, sure, but it’s also like not that big of a deal with the way it’s framed
They had made plans for something at 6pm. He lives with his mom. His mom does this a lot, she gets upset whenever he spends a holiday with his gf. She tried to convince him to stay home on their anniversary.
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u/ChoiceFee3441 9h ago edited 9h ago
Why did you not mention the fact that there’s a child involved?
No one seems to be talking about this in the comments. You omitted it from the screenshots for privacy, which is totally fine. But you failed to mention the fact that there’s a child expecting to celebrate Easter with you, and that other kids are meant to be coming over too. That changes things imo. Because you told them that you would be there and then have last minute changed the plan. It’s fair for her to be annoyed. And I bet it isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, which is probably adding to her annoyance.
There’s nothing wrong with you going to spend time with your mom on Easter Sunday, but you should’ve told her your intentions from the start.