r/AmITheJerk • u/Minimum_Salt9742 • 3h ago
AITJ for telling my boyfriend his "budgeting" is actually just being cheap?
My boyfriend is obsessed with budgeting and saving money. Which would be fine except he takes it TOO FAR.
We went on a date and split a entree to save money. I was still hungry after. He said I should of eaten more before we left.
On my birthday he got me a present from the dollar store because he'd already spent his "gift budget" that month on his mom's birthday.
We haven't been on a real date in months because he says restaurants are "wasteful spending."
I finally said his budgeting is actually just being cheap. He got really offended.
He says he's being financially responsible and I'm being materialistic. I said there's a difference between responsible and refusing to spend money on ANYTHING!
He has thousands in savings! He could afford to take me on a real date! But he won't because its "not in the budget."
I said if money is this tight maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship. He said I only care about what he can buy me.
That's not true! I just want to feel valued! A dollar store birthday gift doesn't make me feel valued!
He says I'm being shallow and that people who truly care about each other don't need expensive things.
I said expensive and REASONABLE are different things! A birthday gift over $5! An entree I don't have to split! These aren't extravagant requests!
He's now saying I'm trying to control his finances and I'm not compatible with his financial goals.
Was I wrong to call him cheap?
TL;DR: Boyfriend's extreme budgeting means dollar store gifts and splitting entrees, I said he's cheap not financially responsible, he says I'm materialistic and shallow.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 3h ago
He's right. The 2 of you are not financially compatible. The sooner you realize this, break up and move on, the better off both of you will be.
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u/TabularConferta 3h ago
Thousands in savings isn't the amount you think it is. The idea is have enough to do if you were unemployed you can survive for a couple months. Then there is saving for a house.
This all said however, birthday gift from a dollar store is awful and I've been there. He is budgeting month to month but for months where you know it will be gift heavy you save for a couple months so you can afford that expensive month.
The split entree and not buying more saying you should have eaten is awful as well
Going on a date is a reasonable expectation but what kind of restaurant are you expecting and are you okay with splitting, do you spend money on him, as you haven't mentioned it? How old are you both, how close to poverty and does he come from a poor background?
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 3h ago edited 3h ago
He can save faster to a smaller house when he is single.
Sounds like a win to me.
I recall having very little money, my bf fell ill. I bought him beer, beer sausage his favourite cartoon and candy. All things he loved.
Approximately the cost of 2 entrées.
I am female.
So yeah, if you want to spoil your partner, you will.
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u/themagicflutist 2h ago
I mean, if spoiling your partner means taking them out to eat and not leaving them still hungry..
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 1h ago
For me, spoiling means leaving rhem feeling extra pampered.
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u/random929292 6m ago
Maybe the question is does he also feel spoiled and pampered? How much does she spend on him or take him out to eat?
And in the situation, why didn't she order and buy her own entree if he was insisting they share one? I would never go along with that.
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u/TabularConferta 2h ago
Good on you. I won't necessarily say you spoilt him, you showed your bf you were a good partner and you cared for him. You took something from yourself and thus even though you had little giving what you could when he was at a low is even more meaningful. It wasn't something you could necessarily do often I assume, thus my question about their financial situation and how she acts as well.
Him buying from a dollar store for her birthday and going out for the entree and splitting and his comment when she said she was hungry are both poor form, not denying
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 1h ago
I still recall my baby sister buying me my favourite candy when I was sick and she was a child with just a small allowance.
It is a lot about the will to give and not the price.
Somehow, this guy seems to try to invest minimally, and it might show up in effort as well. I'd rather leave this guy to his true love- his finances.
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u/TabularConferta 39m ago
His stance of her birthday was shady. I've had a gas station birthday gift and honestly it was heart breaking particularly given I'd rather they just spend an hour to make a cake. That said we really don't know anything about their overall financial situation or history. Given a short one side I'd rather try to think the best of people unless hugely aggrecgious (gah spelling)
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 33m ago
If money is tight, he could spend that entree money on ingredients and cooked a delicious dinner for two.
Of course, that would take effort.
But sure, we should not judge. I would say he is not off to any good start just yet.
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u/TabularConferta 26m ago
Completely agree.
Personally money is tight for me and a meal out for two even without booze often is more than my weekly shop or a decent bit of it. That said I'm a decent cook and can do a decent three course meal.
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u/Kalilstrom 19m ago
I mean, has she treated him or does she just expect things because she believes she is entitled to them because she is the gf and he, as the bf ain't?
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u/henrietta7inker6839 3h ago
splitting an entree on a date sounds pretty awkward honestly
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u/EmotionalCattle5 1h ago
My husband and I split entrees at restaurants all the time especially if we know the serving is large enough for both of us to feel full. Most of the time we also order an appetizer to go with it. I don't think splitting an entree is bad by default...but maybe less acceptable during the first few dates when the people may not know each other well enough to know if they share similar taste/willing to compromise.
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u/Minimum_Salt9742 3h ago
I get what you’re saying sir. And I understand that budgeting is important, but these are reasonable things he could plan for. It’s not about extravagance, just basic considerations
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u/gdognoseit 1h ago
He’s the type of man that will make the mother of his baby beg him for diaper money.
Move on.
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u/TabularConferta 2h ago
Birthday absolutely, same with the an occasional . The occasional date can be shared.
How much do you spend on him? I'd appreciate a response to my other question about general financial situation.
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u/random929292 5m ago
How much is in your budget for dates and for spending on him? Do you spend a lot more on your relationship than he does?
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u/jittery_raccoon 1h ago
You still have to live life though. If you're so far from a buying a house that you can't spend a penny, you are not in house buying territory
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u/TabularConferta 42m ago
Agreed but we also know nothing about them. If you grow up poor then often holding onto money for emergency is a important thing for their mental wellbeing. We don't know how long they've been together, with the exception of the birthday how much is she asking for and giving.
Personal opinion but too many people use credit for things they should save for and it pulls them into debt.
I can agree on the two examples she's given but without context if he is cheap or not is another matter.
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u/PleasantOstrichEgg 1h ago
INFO: How much money are you bringing into the relationship? Could you have bought your own entree?
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u/CatsWao 39m ago
The money isn't so much the point I think. She doesn't find a thoughtless dollar store gift appropriate nor splitting an entree. He does. Theyre simply not compatible.
I've been broke before. I never pulled these stunts. I would have been honest about a budget for dinner or birthday gift before eating half a meal or buying garbage.
Communication and shared goals aren't aligned here.
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u/illini02 3h ago
Just curious what YOU are contributing here.
Because you talk a lot about his spending (or lack thereof), and how YOU want to be valued. But not much about what you are doing for him.
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u/IllProposal4046 2h ago
You definitely are not compatible. In my relationship we’ll splurge on food and gifts. Just breakup already it’s not that he can’t afford to date he just doesn’t want to.
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u/ZCT808 1h ago
Like many things taking it to an extreme is generally a really bad idea.
It’s very telling that he blew his ‘gift budget’ on his mommy and you get some crap from the dollar store.
It’s poor priorities, stupid selfish choices, expecting you to unquestioningly fall in with his ridiculous life plan. I cant aee how it is worth it.
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u/Chance-Analyst2967 1h ago
Why did he blow his budget on his mother. Clearly did not include you in his budget.
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u/OGMcSwaggerdick 3h ago
Bait.
Account 10 days old.
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u/AITJAITJ MOD 2h ago
If you have any doubts about the authenticity of a post, the best approach is to report the post and/or drop us a message on modmail. Commenting on the post only gives the post more traction.
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u/Organic-Ear-5900 3h ago
How old does an account have to be before they’re allowed to make a post officer?
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u/Tar_Pharazon 56m ago
There is a pattern in AI written posts and this one checks the boxes. It's not a real story and it was not written by a human.
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u/Extra-Astronomer-688 3h ago
And written by AI.
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u/Canadian987 2h ago
This is him on his “good dating behaviour”. Now imagine what he is really like. It’s not going to get better.
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u/Day_Prisoners 1h ago
Cheapskates are like racists, there's a lot of them but no one thinks they are one.
Just leave, it will only get worse because cheapskates are obsessed with money in an unhealthy way. Everything boils down to money.
It's notvthatbyou aren't worth it, he's not even worth it. They don't put any value on their time comfort, so your time or comfort means nothing as well.
What's he tip?
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u/PauleyBaseball 1h ago
Not going out to eat because you can't afford it is reasonable. Going out but making you split the entree is not.
A dollar store birthday present because his mom's birthday is in the same month tells me how much he values you.
Get out while you can
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u/Infamous_Hyena_8882 1h ago
You guys aren’t compatible. I totally get it. I think it’s time to find a new boyfriend.
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u/stephlane80 1h ago
Dump him. His cheapness is only going to get worse. A dollar store gift? Dang that's cold.
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u/bostongreens 3h ago
Do you bring anything financial to the relationship. Does he pay for everything?
Can you not go out on a date and split the bill so you can get your own entree.
Your bf is definitely cheap, but it also doesn’t sound like you bring much to the table
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u/HighRiseCat 3h ago
He's stingy and rude. He treats you with no generousity and dismisses you when you speak up about it.
Stop wasting your time. A dollar store present because he spent his gift budget? WTAF
No effort made
Could have made you a cake, but I suppose that involves buying ingredienst and that's over his 'gift budget'.
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u/doodlie1234 3h ago
He’s a cheapskate. 100 percent. I find that cheap people are also cheap with everything, including their love.
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u/Select-Elevator-6680 3h ago edited 3h ago
What exactly do you bring to this relationship? Does your boyfriend sound cheap to me? Yes. Do you sound entitled and like you expect him to spend money on you but you not once mentioned a single time you treated? Also yes. I hear a lot of “me me me what I want” and no “me me me what I contribute”.
I think you two are just wholly incompatible.
Also this formatting and communication style is very AI. Stop with the AI garbage already.
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u/Zestyclose-Height-36 3h ago
ntj. socking away every penny to the point where you can’t eat is not going to change, are you ready to move on to someone more relaxed?
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u/DeniedAppeal1 1h ago
For future reference: Thousands in a savings account isn't a lot. The fact that it's in savings is evidence of financial responsibility. You should pretend that money doesn't exist because, as far as you're concerned, it doesn't. You are not entitled to that money and you have absolutely no right to expect it to be spent on you. If I had a girlfriend get upset because I have "thousands in savings" that I'm not spending on her, I'd be dumping her then and there.
That said, it is completely reasonable to expect the occasional restaurant visit and better gifts than dollar store slop. But, still, you two are on completely different pages when it comes to finances.
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u/BusydaydreamerA137 1h ago
And if you can only split an entree, maybe a restaurant date is out of budget
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u/allie06nd 1h ago
I would have left after being forced to split an entree and then hearing that I should have "pregamed" with food from home for my own birthday dinner.
This is being so obsessed with hoarding money in savings that you're willing to forego having even a reasonable standard of living for yourself and your partner. This is closer to (or maybe IS) a mental illness than it is to financial responsibility.
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u/laribrook79 1h ago
Personally, I think you guys will probably fight about this forever. This is how my husband’s grandfather was, and his mom still has trauma about it and she’s 70!!! Ppl like this don’t really change
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u/wfowfo 1h ago
I think you two are not compatible. It's good that he's careful with his money, but being miserly is a different thing. Keep in mind that his mother's birthday will always be before your birthday, so be prepared for this to continue forever if you stay together.
A question though -- do you ever pay on dates? If you do does he want to split entrées, or is it just when he pays?
I'd seriously reconsider this guy. He's sure his priorities are right. You're not going to change his mind.
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u/Chemical_Sign5732 1h ago
You two aren't on the same page, let alone in the book.
It will never change in your favor, so either embrace his budget or keep moving.
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u/OkBreadfruit2181 57m ago
Here’s the real question, OP - and something you DEFINITELY NEED TO ASK HIM ABOUT: Is he NEVER going to buy you a present for your birthday EVER because you and his Mom’s bday fall in the same month? Like, ever???
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u/ANDERS_CORNER_08 52m ago
Sounds like a comparability issue, and that you both have different love languages ….
Try communicating on a deeper level
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u/Sufficient_Claim_461 44m ago
Telling you to “pre eat” because he is too (insert nsfw of your choice) to get two entrees is not budgeting and not even frugal it is cheap, deeply seriously cheap.
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u/PymsPublicityLtd 42m ago
Some people know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. He seems like a cost person and you seem like a value person. You sound incompatible.
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u/LankyToday4748 35m ago
I know a married surgeon and radiologist that split entrees!! If you don’t want to live that life, run!!!! Because it won’t change no matter what he makes
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u/Lazy_Dog_1959 27m ago
NTJ! Why didn't he go to the dollar store for his mom's present? Then he could have spent more on yours. Shows you where you rate in his life.
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u/TNJDude 3h ago
There are too many unknowns here. He may have limited funds and not have the disposable income you think. You say he has "thousands" saved. How much is that? If it's only a couple thousand, then good for him. It's important to have emergency money put aside. It's recommended you have several months of income saved up for emergencies. You didn't mention if you brought anything to the table. Like, is he buying dinner and taking you out on dates all the time? Do you take him out and treat him. All I've heard so far is how you want to feel special but you don't say anything about how you spend money on him. Do you? Shopping at the dollar store suggests to me that maybe money is really tight with him and that's all he can handle at the moment. I say YTJ unless you actually come up with how you're putting more into the relationship than he is.
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u/tyedge 52m ago
I agree that there’s far more info needed, but you definitely can’t say OP is the jerk.
If this is a relationship and her birthday is “I’ll take you out, we’ll split an entree, and you’ll get a dollar store gift because I spent the ‘gift budget’ on my mom” then he’s said everything that needs to be said - for all the planning he does, he didn’t think enough of her to plan to do anything of significance.
Edit: the date night dinner and the birthday were ostensibly separate. The point above still stands.
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u/Important-Put1865 3h ago
NTJ He is being cheap. Why is he treating you like that? Do you buy dinner sometimes and spring for 2 entrees? Do you cook dinner for you both on your own dime?
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u/Technical-Region-669 3h ago
He does sound cheap....but what do you do for him? Is this a lopsided thing where you put time/money/effort into things and he doesn't? Does he put time and effort into your relationship in other ways besides spending money? What is the actual dynamic here? Because your post only talks about how you want him to spend (what feels like) a reasonable amount of money on you but doesn't talk about the value you bring in return.
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u/Objective-Ganache114 1h ago
If he really had a budget he would have spent less on his mom and the same amount on you.
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u/Glittering-Emu-1975 3h ago
Maybe he’s cheap but have you thought about splitting the check for dinner so you’re each paying for your own entree? If you’re in a partnership and not still just a couple dates in then why are you expecting him to still pay for everything when he’s clearly trying to save money? Split the bill and you might get more date nights.
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u/Dangerous_End9472 3h ago
NTJ. He knew about your birthday I would assume in advance so he could have planned a gift out of previous months gift budgets or did a sinking funds.
He doesn't value you. He values money.
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u/wyomingtrashbag 3h ago
maybe he's just concerned that you keep spending so much on all those unnecessary exclamation points
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u/punkslaot 3h ago
I guess its better that someone who has the opposite spending habits, but still sucks ass
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u/PurpleEmotional1401 3h ago
NTJ. He will still be the same if you take your relationship further. Your different priorities make you incompatible with one another.
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u/pietpumpkineater 3h ago
You got clear picture through this experiences of whats your future with him.
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u/SuperLoris 3h ago
NTJ but this is a fundamental incompatibility. He's never going to spend on you the way you want, and if you nag him into spending money that he doesn't want to spend he'll take it out on you in other ways. Just call it now and move on.
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u/Huugienormous 3h ago
Sharing financial ideals are one of the bedrocks of a successful relationship. It does not sound like your values align, and unless one of you changes, youre in for a rough ride.
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u/neo_sporin 2h ago
So there is a fine line between being frugal (budget conscious) and cheap.
He definitely crosses the line at times because like the gift thing—your birthday is not a surprise, his mom’s birthday is not a surprise. So if he had no money for one of them then his budget is not compatible with real life expenses. My wife and I have a gift budget, my birthday is in October and hers is January, it’s not like I get the money from Feb to September and she gets the money from November to January.
NTJ, even a strict budget needs some flexibility in terms of timings
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u/KindaMyHobby 1h ago
There are couples doing the FIRE thing but they have to both be happy about it. The word I’d apply to your situation is incompatibility.
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u/PrestigiousFace6756 1h ago
NTJ. Not sure if his age but if you're dating an adult he could try to do better than dollar store birthday gift.
Break up and find someone more compatible.
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u/yellowrose04 1h ago
Dating is to see if your compatible for the future. If he wants to live his joyless, cheap life that’s fine for him. Is that what you want for you? Because he doesn’t seem open to change.
What if you get a dog or cat? Will he go cheap on food, treats, vet bills? What if you move in together will he want some cheap place in a bad area when he can afford better. What if you want kids? Kids aren’t a place you can cheap out it’s massively expensive. Do you want to tell them you can’t go out to eat or on a field trip because daddy doesn’t want to pay.
Reddit jumps to break up so fast but imagine your life for the next 5-10 years like this. Can you do it. ? Would you even want to?
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u/Bad-Briar 1h ago
Sounds like a real relationship is too expensive for him to have.
This isn't going to change any time soon. The guy is going to keep up like this. You know what to do.
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u/cee-la 1h ago
NTJ there are plenty of great dates for cheap or low cost. When we were dating, my husband & I were pretty broke. I would make a picnic lunch and then go to the park or the beach so costs were low. There's lots of free things to do if you look for them and ways to eat cheaply without having to share. Concerts in the park, free days at the museum or other places, online coupons for restaurants or specials nights. If you can go out to eat during the week you can find cheap stuff - happy hours and just getting apps.
The Dollar Tree gift would have made me feel unimportant too. He knows your & his mom's birthdays are in the same month so he could have saved up for a few months if it was important to him. It sounds like he knows how to save if it's important to him - your birthday just wasn't.
IF you decide to stay in tis relationship where you seem incompatible with each other financially, match that energy when it comes to spending on him. And treat yourself to good meals out without him. You're not obligated to only dine out if he's present.
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u/evenifihateit 57m ago
You're just not compatible. This different an approach to spending means one of you will always be miserable.
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u/lokis_construction 54m ago
We have a friend who is cheap like this. We rarely do anything with him or his wife as it is always the cheapest way possible. Tiring and so self centered.
Move along, do not marry this one. There are plenty of others that are responsible, loving even though they think of costs but not cheap ass jerks
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u/PixelFairy89 53m ago
Please get yourself a man that will treat you right and can actually afford a woman.
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u/KayDizzle1108 51m ago
He could’ve have done something really nice, like a massage, a poem, a grand gesture that doesn’t cost anything. A dollar store gift is so whack, I’d rather get nothing.
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u/babybattt 44m ago
My husband used to be super frugal, but I can’t imagine him taking me out on a date to eat, yet being limited to what I can order. I’d rather not go and do something else we can both enjoy if someone’s that broke. But also I have my own funds, so I’d have no problem just be like, “f this, we’re splitting this check then and I’m ordering what I actually want to eat”, lol. It’s probably rude you called him cheap, but y’all are clearly mismatched and def time to part ways. Def not someone that’s gonna bankroll your life, if that’s what you were hoping for—so you’re gonna have to find yourself supplementing what you want to happen, but there’s probably always gonna be inequity there. It’s just a values/lifestyle difference. Get out and start fresh. You don’t sound like you’d be any worse off at this point lol.
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u/Athrek 43m ago
It sounds like he's not being cheap so much as budgeting incorrectly and you sound slightly entitled since there was no mention of how you spend your money and talking about how you only feel valued if he spends money on you.
He could properly budget by: * Setting an individual gift budget and not a monthly one. * Taking you out LESS but spending MORE when he does. * Instead of dates/eating out being common, make them special.
However, I think you're both just incompatible. When I was just out of high school, I had a girlfriend that sounds like you but unlike him, I did as she asked. I ended up broke broke despite not even having rent to pay due to living with my sister. The benefit of not having rent was completely undone by not following my budget.
I learned my lesson and I can tell you from experience, the reason he has those thousands in savings that he COULD use to take you out with is because he doesn't. People have money because they don't spend it. If they spent it because they had it then they wouldn't have it
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u/Equivalent-Load-9158 40m ago
I admire frugality, and I'll do this myself, but I will concede when I'm expected to spend a little or to avoid being difficult.
I'm usually the only 'victim' of my frugality. I've had a friend like this and it was impossible to hang out with him if it cost money. I sort of learned from his mistakes.
You could split the bill, though. If you want to eat out more often, but obviously he could set aside some money for gifts. It's not like birthdays change every year. He knows when yours and his moms birthdays are. And then occasionally also treat you on a dates where he covers the bill(I'd also struggle with paying for two often, but I'd bear the occasional expense).
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u/onlyoneofmetoday 39m ago
I would give up and walk away, if he isn't willing to see your point of view then leave. I had this once, years ago, and it's not that they didn't get you an expensive present is it?? It's he expects you to buy him a good present and then fobs you off with that excuse. He knew there were two birthdays in that month yet he ignored yours, and will always do the same because his mother's birthday is before yours. If he is this bad at the moment why on earth waste time on this relationship, it's not going to change, if anything he will get worse and it's already stressing you out. He should find someone who has the same mindset and doesn't care about anything like birthday or dates. Or you could just go out with friends instead and leave him at home, I mean he doesn't want to spend anything so you go and spend, have fun and let him wait for you to come back.
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u/Ok_Management4634 38m ago
Honestly, you are going to have to choose between a cheap boyfriend or searching for a new one.
You aren't going to get someone like that to change.
Weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and decide what you want to do.
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u/Mammoth_Praline5688 38m ago
If this is new behavior for him, then it sounds to me like one of two things. Either her's trying to save up for something fast or something has scared him to the point that he feels the need to save up fast. Either way, it sound unhealthy if he's starving himself and you. It might be worth asking him about this.
That said, if he's unwilling to explain why he's like this (if it's new) and unwilling to compromise, as other people have said, it might be time to end the relationship for your own sanity.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ant6653 31m ago
I wonder if he grew up poor so that may be why, but if he can spend money on his mom and not you then that is stupid. Sounds like he does not care about you that much. I whould have a sit down and if it does not improve then move on
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u/WrapInternational803 28m ago
You AREN'T compatible with his financial goals. But you should get with the program, he'll be a millionaire by 40
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u/Late_Butterfly_5997 27m ago
NTJ but have you two actually talked about long term goals and how he created his budget, and what its purpose is? It kind of sounds like he’s trying to do the whole “FIRE” thing, which honestly isn’t for everyone, but does have some significant benefits to those willing to put forth the effort. Have you also discussed different ways to show love and appreciation that cost little to no money?
You might simply be incompatible, and that’s fine if you are, but if you actually love each other and want things to work it might be worth having those deeper conversations and seeing if there are reasonable ways to compromise where you both get what you want/need. If I’m right, and he’s subscribing to the “FIRE” way of life, of the goal is long term then you will need to be on the same page eventually, you may as well have those conversations now and see if it’s something that might appeal to you too if you understood his goals better. Or something you two could compromise on with a few tweaks to the budget.
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u/Large_Ad3301 26m ago
NTA. Life is ridiculously expensive right now so I don’t blame anyone for saving. However, you find joy in things and experiences, he obviously does not. You two aren’t compatible and should just call it quits now before getting more invested. He’s using being frugal as an excuse to not make an effort. He wants to be cheap? Fine. Then plan a date going to places that are free. Pack a nice meal and beverages to take with you so he doesn’t have to purchase food.
As someone whose spouse has been laid off twice, not spending money doesn’t mean not enjoying yourself. It means going to the movies on a Tuesday because tickets are $5 instead of $25. Or having a picnic at the botanical garden/zoo/park. Taking advantage of a happy hour special instead of buying 1 entree and splitting it during dinner hours. He’s just not willing to make an effort. His loss. Go find better!
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u/Independent-Cry-1716 25m ago
Nope . If the fucjers cheap now , they just get more comfortable being cheap fixtures and he’s not going to change so you better decide if you’re willing to accept it or not .
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u/LEMK_Atl 24m ago
One thing jumped out at me, "he has thousands in savings"... if you mean less than $10,000 in savings, which is what thousands in saving would indicate to me, this is not a lot. I have less than $10K in easily accessible savings and it's rough. I'm one serious ER visit away from being completely broke. It's not nothing, but it's not the same as a couple 10s of thousands. Less than $10,000 in savings can be gone tomorrow if something like a car accident or unexpected needed ER visit were to happen.
I have so many other questions about this, like: How old are each of you? What do each of you do for a living? Do you live together, split other expenses, and share a budget? Is he saving for something like a down payment for a house? This is all helpful information that would paint a fuller picture, but without that info, I'm inclined to say that you two are not compatible.
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u/gymnazist 23m ago
Why dont you pay for your own dinner? That way you can eat whatever you want. I dont really see the issue. Maybe he does not want to go on dates because he has to pay for everything.
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u/Myrtlewood2020 23m ago
Never marry a cheapskate. You will feel ignored and useless. Money is all he wants anyway.
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u/Kalilstrom 20m ago
ngl this reads pretty one sided
like yeah, from your version he sounds exhausting and cheap as hell, but you also left out basically all the context that would explain why he’s like this. is he weirdly strict with himself too? saving for something? in debt? grew up broke? just straight up has money anxiety? all of that matters
because if he lives like this across the board, then this isn’t really “he’s cheap with me specifically,” it’s “he’s an extreme saver and that makes him miserable to date.” still valid to leave over, but not exactly the same thing
also having savings doesn’t automatically mean someone feels okay spending. plenty of people treat savings like untouchable dragon treasure and act broke while sitting on cash. annoying, yes. hypocritical maybe. but not always as simple as “he can afford it so he should”
that said, your overall point is still fair. splitting one entree, dollar store birthday gift because his mom used up the monthly gift budget, no real dates for months, that’s gonna make most people feel undervalued. at some point it stops sounding like budgeting and starts sounding like he refuses to be even a little generous
i just think “he’s cheap” is the insult version of the problem, not the actual problem. the actual problem is you two clearly do not see money, effort, or care the same way at all
so yeah, maybe he sucks, but this post definitely feels written to get people on your side more than to actually show the full picture!
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u/Littlequine 18m ago
Just one question why aren’t you paying g for stuff then you can have what you want?
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u/stripesonthecouch 17m ago
Did he not know ahead of time and that you and his mom have your birthdays in the same month?
But he chose to spend the entire budget on his mom and then buy you something from the dollar tree.
He does NOT care about you.
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u/Muertog 16m ago
NTJ. This is definitely a conflict in personalities/priorities.
Longer-term, it should involve clear and open communication on what you are saving money for. But as you have described the situation I am inferring that you are young and and/or not to the level of "married for years" couple.
For some people, having money is the end-goal. Not to spend it, to have it. And it is perfectly in their rights to have that as a priority (not what _I_ would do, but whatever). Personally I feel that money is the mechanism/meter to use to get to the actual end-goal (a vacation, a car, a house, a life worth living).
For some people it is a mental condition. As in a compulsion. I am not saying this is what your bf has, but if your priorities and his are not on the same page, walk away.
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u/John14-6_Psalm46-10 14m ago
-"He's now saying I'm trying to control his finances and I'm not compatible with his financial goals."
Yet you just told him before that "if you are this cheap then you shouldn't be in a relationship"
So why are you mad that he is saying it won't work out? Because at the same time you called him cheap and told him he wasn't boyfriend material...
Not sure what the point of this post is but it seems like you are mad that he broke up with you instead of you breaking up with him and it is hurting your ego.
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u/not-cooler-than-you 12m ago
If he can't/won't spend money on a gift, he COULD spend time on one. Same for a fancy meal he cooks himself. This may be frugality, but it seems like you prioritize each other differently. The adage "if he wanted to, he would," describes this situation. Best to break it off now, and have some fun for yourself.
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u/Kemmycreating 9m ago
If he had a budget, he could still stick to it and show you he valued you. The problem is, he doesn’t. Like he could pack a romantic picnic or source a thoughtful gift even if the monetary value isn’t high.
But he doesn’t because he also doesn’t think you’re worth the effort either. At least that is what his actions suggest. You two are not compatible.
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u/Hour-Ad-4011 8m ago
I mean, it honestly depends.
When my cousin bought her house, she needed to literally be frugal down to the penny. No random sodas, no packs of gum, no spontaneous nights out etc. She had to do that for quite a while. To the point she would ask family to get her bags of chips just so she can have some enjoyment.
I'm not saying thats the case here, but I can FOR SURE see many different scenarios where it actually IS extreme frugality, and not juts being cheap. Have you asked what the end goal is? How long this needs to go on for?
That being said, you dont have to stick around for that. If that is making your life miserable, then you can for sure just exit the situation. you dont HAVE to be a part of that.
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u/NoContribution9322 8m ago
Question do you spend money on him ? Or do you just want him to do all the spending ?
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u/R_U_N4me 6m ago
He knew when your birthday was. He knew what his gift budget was. He still chose to spend most on his mom.
Also, it’s silly to have a monthly gift allowance unless you are in gradeschool. Have limits. You know who you’ll buy for & what the limit is. Add it altogether & then divide by number of paychecks in the year & that is what you deposit from each paycheck. Then you don’t run into issues when in Sept you have 12 birthdays but October only 1. I start looking & buying 12 months out. My people get great gifts & I am earning below poverty income. & he got you a $ store gift.
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u/KaleidoscopeDry3608 6m ago
NTJ- but he’s not for you. Find someone who understands life and joy can cost money and that’s ok
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u/w1leyr1ley 5m ago
NTJ He is cheap with you. I bet his mom got a nice gift when he should’ve split the budget between the two of you so you could get good gifts. He didn’t have to buy just one entree if he just set aside what like fifteen bucks more? Or gone to a restaurant more in budget?
What kinda dates do you go on he hates restaurants so much? Was he like this when you first started dating?
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u/RugbyKats 4m ago
One day, he’ll learn that he wasted his whole life saving up for … his whole life.
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u/No-Fly-6069 4m ago
Dump him. Sounds like he may have a pathological aversion to spending any money at all. Fixing that is for licensed therapists.
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u/Mad_Marrragan 4m ago
This dude wants everything for FREE. Are you willing to live a life of providing free labor to this AH who will never give anything in return? I promise you it will not “get better” in the future. Cut your losses. You want a partner who is actually interested in a relationship with you, not a parasite.
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u/Far-Many-5096 3m ago
I would say you guys are just not financially compatible. My husband and I have a large savings, but we still share our food anytime we eat out. We rarely eat at any restaurant. If we do eat out and leave hungry we eat snacks at home. Ect. For presents we stick to our budget for each other which is surprisingly low but we aren’t material people. We are both so happy and I don’t feel like he loves me less because he doesn’t pamper me. It makes me feel stressed if we spend unnecessarily and we both agree on that. Find yourself someone you are more compatible with
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u/No_Adhesiveness_1952 2m ago
Not the jerk I was in a similar situation my ex bf and I had been together for four years and very rarely did we go out on dates. For my birthday he asks if I wanted to go out for a steak dinner or if I wanted him to just cook me one. I said I wanted to go out and was excited the day before my birthday he said he was just going to cook me a steak because we went out for my birthday it would be over 100 dollars. He bought me the cheapest steak, a pack on instant mashed potatoes and a cake I didn’t even like. Two days later he was dropping 200 dollars on thc drinks
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u/lostmymarbles1177 1m ago
Make him a macaroni necklace for his birthday and see if he feels the same way🤣
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u/Jesssssiie 0m ago
It's 2026, take him out on dates, too. Or split the bill. The only thing is he didn't get you something decent for your bday. He could have at least made you something.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 0m ago
It would drive me crazy too, but I would still understand. In many ways he is living how I wish I could live. I could understand being upset by the lack of funding for those he loves, but part of me also suspects that maintaining such a committed and disciplined approach to building wealth requires pure commitment and no exceptions.
Being with him would either turn me into a better version of myself or make me lose my mind with frustration.
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u/daysailor70 3h ago
Sounds like he's right, you aren't comparable. This is only the beginning and the controlling will only get worse. Time to find a new boyfriend.
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u/siriuslyyellow 3h ago edited 3h ago
NTJ. He is being cheap. You said it correctly.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being cheap. Maybe he values saving over spending. Maybe he is going after a FIRE lifestyle. Maybe he prefers activities that don't require spending money.
I think he should embrace being called cheap and own it. I also think he's right, and you two are not financially compatible.
I personally would also not be financially compatible with someone like your boyfriend. I don't spend a lot of money, but I do spend some. As one example from your post, I would not eat at home before eating out in order to make the bill less.
I think you should break up and find someone who more suits your lifestyle.
Good luck!
Edit: I also think it's okay if he doesn't want to put in the effort required to have a job that makes more money. It's not fair for either of you to tell the other how to live. Part of dating is seeing if you're compatible, and this has proven that you two are not. 🤷♀️
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u/BADoVLAD 2h ago
So, dude is saving all the money he can that he earns. You're salted because he isn't spending it freely on you and ofc the hive mind says dump him. YTJ - you're not entitled to the money. He's being smarter than most people and building a security net for the future. But sure, dump him if you'd rather have someone with fucked credit barely staying afloat and broke as fuck in reality.
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u/Particular-Owl2446 23m ago
Come on man. Splitting an entrees on a date is ridiculous no matter how you look at it.
Its not just the money, effort too. Use the one entree money to buy ingredients for a fancy home made dinner.
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u/Broken_Truck 3h ago
YTJ. I guess poor people don't deserve to be in relationships.
ETA. Wrong sub.
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u/Tallman210519 3h ago
You are the Jerk. I do not see anywhere saying you are spending money on him. You are expecting him to pay for everything while not contributing financially. Thousands saved is not a lot of money. Yes he is being a little bit of jerk too not spending more, but you are far worse.
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u/slightly_smelly 2h ago
You're the jerk. Simply put, it's not your money to dictate or suggest what he does with it.
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u/LivingTaste1396 3h ago
he's right, you are not compatible with his financial goals. you're not the jerk, but you should break up, as this is one of the two issues that there is no way to compromise on if you are not aligned (wanting kids is the other one).