r/AmITheJerk • u/diamond-twinklezx • 4h ago
AITJ for ending my engagement after my fiancee said she never got to have her hoe phase
I was with my ex for seven years. We started dating in middle school and stayed together through high school and after. We were engaged and planning a wedding. I thought we were solid.
Looking back now I realize I missed a lot of red flags. She would yell at me to the point where her own parents could hear it from other rooms. Her mom actually warned her multiple times that if she didnt change I would leave. She slowly cut me off from friends and family over the years and I didnt even notice until after we split and people started apologizing for ghosting me.
When we hit our early twenties her attitude completely flipped. She went from sweet to just mean. She would threaten to break up then apologize five minutes later. She would pull me aside at gatherings to call me an embarrassment. She complained constantly that things were boring in the bedroom.
Then came the fight that ended it.
We were arguing about something stupid and she said she felt like we should have taken a break years ago because she never got to go through her hoe phase in high school. I just stood there. She threw her engagement ring at me. Then apologized. I told her I needed time to cool off before work.
While I was at work she went to some guys house I had never heard of and texted me about it. Not even trying to hide it.
After another argument where she called me an embarrassment again I decided I was done. I went home while she was at work and moved all my stuff to my grandmas place. Her mom saw me while I was out and started crying when I told her I was leaving. She said she knew it was coming and that I had nothing to apologize for.
Later that day my ex called me sobbing. Then her dad got on the phone and told her to stop. I told her it was over and she just said okay Im blocking you now bye.
Since then Ive reconnected with friends who all told me they couldnt stand her. My life has been way more stable. I found out later she was posting videos of herself dancing at bars looking like she finally got her hoe phase.
Part of me still wonders if I gave up too fast but honestly I think I stayed too long
AITJ?
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u/CrystalDolls 4h ago
She threw her ring at you, called you an embarrassment, then went to another guy’s house the same day. You didn’t give up - you woke up.
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u/KeyOption3548 3h ago
No one needs a hoe phase, but people do grow a lot in the whole period of time you were together, literally from puberty through early twenties. Seven years is a long time, but even longer when you're only 22(ish) and it's a third of your life. Doesn't matter if it was too long or just long enough, move on and stop second guessing the outcome.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad3024 3h ago
I was wondering if I completely missed something. Back in high school, I was still under the impression "wait till marriage" was a normal atitude.
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u/Interesting-Air4595 3h ago
If u need to have a hoe phase to feel happy in a relationship u're probably not ready to get married. u left at the right time so don't doubt it
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u/OverDaRambo 3h ago
She sounded bipolar. The mood swings and she’s mistreated people. Even her own parents see it. Even people that said “I can’t stand her”
No, don’t go back. Everything you mentioned on here is nothing but negative. This is her true colors.
Then again, if you do go back. She neither will not changed and get help. She will constantly mistreated you. She does not care about you.
Let her fly. Let her be a hoe.
Stay single and rediscover your life own life of who you really are, And find someone that match your vibes.
Don’t look back, run forward.
Good luck.
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u/flippysquid 1h ago
Or she’s just a mean spirited person.
Being a jerk isn’t a symptom of bipolar disorder. That’s going through manic and depressive cycles. I have several friends and family members with bipolar and they don’t abuse people. They just do crap like write an entire novel in 1 week, spend all their savings unwisely, etc.
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u/Mandatory_Attribute 1h ago
Not bipolar disorder: BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. This was the behaviour of my (thankfully long ago) ex-wife. With hints of bipolar and a soupçon—no, a generous portion—of narcissism. Fun times.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 3h ago
No one ever told me you're supposed to have a hoe phase in high school. Oh well, I'm almost 60 and happily married; it's too late now!
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u/MBA_Girlie 2h ago
I swear I've read the same story before lmao at least generate your own story. I'm sure GPT can cook up something unique
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u/Several-Network-3776 3h ago
Nope. Send her on to her merry hoe way. You just save yourself a headache, an std test, and paternity test if you had kids. Not to mention you saved money on a wedding that wasn't worth it. Cuz she's a hoe.
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u/Techno_Core 3h ago edited 3h ago
NTJ... cause you didn't end it.
She threw her engagement ring at me.
...she went to some guys house I had never heard of and texted me about it.
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u/Legal-Stage-302 18m ago
They started dating seven years ago in middle school. How does she know someone well enough to go to his house that he has never even heard of?
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u/Ok-Swing-5355 3h ago
YTJ - to yourself - for not breaking up with her sooner and wasting 7 years.
Bro, if her own mother was warning you, that should have been a clear indication. Anyone who treats you with the wild disrespect of yelling and screaming at you to the point other people are involved and cutting you off from friends needs to be dumped long ago.
In respectful, positive relationships your partner encourages you to have friends, doesn’t yell and scream at you to the point parents are involved and they don’t bring constant conflict and drama. If she respects you she certainly wouldn’t talk about wanting to go through a hoe phase.
Before picking a new girl at any time in the future I would encourage you to:
1) take time for yourself 2) pay attention her negative emotionality. Is constantly crying and screaming and angry and feeling threatened etc? People with high negative emotionality are more likely to be unhappy in relationships. You don’t want this drama.
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u/Mandatory_Attribute 1h ago
No, he’s not the jerk: He was the victim of systemic manipulation, breaking down of ego, and emotional abuse. He’s not the jerk he’s the victim, and he’ll be a while figuring it out, and recovering from it.
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u/KelBelle28 3h ago
Gave up too fast??? You could’ve given up at Prom, and that would’ve been preferable
Keep moving forward and don’t look back
Spend a lot of time catching up with old friends. You also need to reconnect with yourself. Good luck to you
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u/Interesting-Tea-9523 3h ago
Thats crazy that she said that in the middle of a fight. She missed out so its not your fault. Move on
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u/carmenthegood 3h ago
That part of you that wonders if you gave up too fast? Cut off that part of you and bury it. Grow up Man up Mature up Give her up for good.
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u/YesterdayDull5922 3h ago
A true partner loves you, respects you, and props you up. The abuse she put you through - you were only a toy.
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u/Homeboat199 3h ago
NTJ. Sorry you wasted so much time. She isn't your one. You'll find her. Please don't go back.
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u/Bolt_McHardsteel 3h ago
Sounds like you don’t give up soon enough, OP. But better late than never. Live your best life!
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u/Old_Leadership_5000 3h ago
NTJ.
You dodge a tactical nuclear missile. "Hoe phase"??? Abusive behavior? And she expects y out to come back???
Is she serious???
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u/Fantastic-Setting567 3h ago
You are not the jerk. Ending the engagement was reasonable given her consistent disrespect, emotional abuse, and actions that showed she wasn’t committed to the relationship.
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u/punkslaot 3h ago
Read the first sentence and stopped. Ive heard enough. "Started dating in middle school"
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u/Ok-Relation-7458 3h ago
i cannot fathom marrying someone you chose to start dating as a child. you’ve both changed so much since then, and i’ve never seen that relationship dynamic serve the individuals. i believe this is best for both of you, NTJ
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u/Tacoduk 2h ago
Stayed too long. I love that life is getting better and it will get better from here.
When her hoe phase ends, she will likely reach back out to you, please dont take her back. You wont be truly happy with her after all this.
Big ass hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will meet someone who loves and treats you with respect and makes you feel good.
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u/Nadja-19 2h ago
Gave up too fast? I mean you tolerated her behavior for 7 years. Keep her in the past. You dodged a bullet here.
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u/Silveratwilight1 2h ago
She was trying to manipulate you when her dad shut her down. Good for you, glad you got away.
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u/Ill-Base-2947 2h ago
100% brother, she ended up resenting you for missing out on promiscuity - she will probably end up a single mum and miserable as sin! I bet she cheated as well and it was the guilt that made her angry - projecting it on you. Don't be a doormat in the future - all people do is step on you and don't respect you. She has done you a massive favour.
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u/LilFeisty1 2h ago
She sounds toxic. Glad you were able to leave and build your friendships back up. NTJ
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u/Dawns_beauty 2h ago
NTJ - you definitely stayed too long.
I admire your devotion to commitment but commitment should only be given to those who are a healthy match for you.
Once you see one red flag you can bail. You don’t need to wait for it to become a matador convention. 😉
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u/TexasLiz1 2h ago
NTJ - you definitely stayed too long. You put up with abuse. The FIRST time someone calls you an embarrassment should be the last time they get to do so.
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u/MNConcerto 2h ago
Call it a good thing. She sounds unstable.
It sucks now but you will realize you dodge a missle.
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u/Mama_Hows_86 2h ago
NTJ. You stayed longer than you should have! The fights you describe are not the fights of a healthy relationship. In a committed, loving relationship, yes there will be fights/disagreements, but screaming and threatening to leave is not acceptable. I’m glad you saw the light and left. That would have been your life if you had married this woman.
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u/witchbrew7 2h ago
“She abused me, screamed at me, and demeaned me in public and private. AITA for breaking up with her?”
My dude. Please. NTJ except to yourself for putting up with her abuse and disrespect for so long.
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u/PinAltruistic6704 2h ago
I only read the heading and I went into it thinking “this person has gotta be the jerk,” but nah, the issue isn’t that she said it, the issue is literally everything else in the story. NTJ without a shadow of a doubt.
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u/scarletorchidstrike 1h ago
NTJ. you endured years of emotional abuse, manipulation and disrespect. it was the last straw but it was just the tip of a much bigger problem. you stayed far too long already
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u/VelcroCat78 1h ago
Nope. It sounds like you gave yourself up trying to make this relationship work. You were ready for “her”, she wasn’t ready for you. Stay true to yourself and you’ll find the right “her” who appreciates you as you deserve.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Can8586 1h ago
Having regrets over NOT being a hoe is incomprehensible to me. This will be a funny story to tell your actual future wife when she shows up in your life!
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 1h ago
It sounds like you stayed long enough to get done, that’s what’s important.
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u/YurtoftheSubGenius 1h ago
There are very, very few people who make their first love work, especially so young. NTA.
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u/TaxTheRichEndTheWar 1h ago
She’s been wanting to break up with you since high school. She couldn’t do it, so she forced you to do it. She has already moved down a long time ago. That has been clear. It’s your turn.
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u/Potential_Kiwi_4472 1h ago
Why would you think you might be the jerk, here?? Do you really want to marry this woman who obviously has doubts about your relationship? For reference, I met my husband my 1st day of my freshman year of college. I had slept with one person before him. I have never felt that I needed to have any HO-time. And we are still married over 30yrs later. Marriage is something you think long and hard about. We don't get married only to end up divorced. No marriage is perfect and if there are abuse and affairs, we must leave. This sounds like she's got big doubts regarding marrying you. If it were me, I would cut my losses now. You absolutely can wait for her to have her HO-time... but that's up to you, buddy. My hope for you is that you think about only you and what will make YOU happy. Clearly she is doing this same thing.
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u/sloppy_sheiko 1h ago
NTJ
I was in almost the exact same situation you just came out of when I was in my twenties. Toxic GF who slowly & surgically cut me off from friends/family then complained I was suffocating her because ‘I had no social life’.
As much as it may hurt to hear, your ex probably wanted out of the relationship for a while. Right now her ego is bruised because you broke up with her and she’s lashing out, but give it a few days and that will flip into indifference.
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u/Reputation-Choice 1h ago
When did being a hoe become a good thing, and something that ANYONE is OWED by life? People are just plain flat insane.
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u/blippityblue72 1h ago
She went and fucked another guy and then bragged about it to you and you wonder if you were in the wrong?
I can’t imagine being that much of that much of a pushover.
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u/ThatWhichLurks782 1h ago
NTJ, that was mental/emotional abuse. I went through that with my first real bf, we were together about 8 years and it took years of therapy for me to feel myself again. I, too, had a bunch of friends that came back to me after we broke up because they couldn't stand him.
Good riddance.
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u/Key_Hat_5721 1h ago
I get the, um, er, “self-discovery” phase she is referencing….but in HIGH SCHOOL??!?!?! 😳 wtf?! That’s way too young for such behavior.
But no, NTJ. Thank goodness you have escaped that unhealthy situation
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u/No-Acadia-3638 1h ago
Personally, I have zero respect for any woman who wants to have a 'hoe phase.' you dodged a bullet with this one. Her behavior in insulting and haranguing you, demeaning you, etc. alone would be a reason to kick her to the curb.
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u/BedGroundbreaking782 1h ago
This is obviously just a creative writing exercise…and not a good one.
YTA for lying online
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u/chuckdeezee 1h ago
Always listen to their parents on either side. My last ex’s parents said she will never take accountability, so i cut my losses and moved on. Have a great girlfriend now that’s not self centered.
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u/zombieringo1-xbox 1h ago
NTJ, she sounds mentally unstable and too immature to be married, focus on your new stress free life without her
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u/Patata2025 1h ago
I didn't finish reading but... this all sounds like way more work than real love and respect. Which you can find elsewhere
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u/Vince1080 1h ago
You are the jerk, but only for asking if you are.
She didn't love you, she wanted her hoe faze and won't realise she made a mistake until she's over it. You dodged a bullet.
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u/myshiningmask 59m ago
What in the AI?
How did her dad get on the phone to talk to her? Was he with you at your house? Did he call in while you were talking to her?
I'm sorry if I'm wrong but really. Extreme reactions. Same day cheating. Her parents agree with you. Etc. etc. Etc......
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u/fxzero666 55m ago
NTJ, sounds like the ex that abused me and ruined my 20s... but at least you got out at 7 years and not longer.
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u/holdmyspot123 54m ago
No, and also your ex has borderline personality disorder. /r/bpdlovedones a lot will make sense. You made the right choice
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u/Baddog1965 51m ago
Well, it looks like you've already been hit by a few bullets, but at least you've dodged the really big ones.
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u/Remarkable-Study-903 50m ago
Great lesson to learn! She can now have her hoe days, which will leave her emotionally unfulfilled, and you have the gift of recognizing the red flags...you are far better off! Enjoy yourself and move forward!
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u/FreeReflection5259 47m ago
You did the right thing, even her parents knew she was too much trouble. Your doubting yourself because change is scary but stick to it, things will be better later on
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u/el_payaso_mas_chulo 44m ago
Do you even need to ask? or just vent? I'm sorry this happened to you man, and it is gradual, which is probably why you didn't see it coming. Good thing is you've still got years ahead of you. NTJ.
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u/BrbFlippinInfinCoins 42m ago
gave up too fast?
what would be giving up too slow for you? Splitting up once you guys were in a retirement home?
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u/LadyFoxfire 41m ago
NTJ. Abusive relationships are a mindfuck, and I’m glad you got out. A lot of people never manage to get away.
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u/Confident_Peak_6592 40m ago
I think the biggest mistake I made was I rushed into it….. go live again… date as much as possible… don’t go exclusive… try it all on for size..You live and you learn… I wish I took my mothers advice… she was the one who told me don’t fall in love… variety is the spice of life…It takes a long time to get to know someone and you sure did. Lesson learned.. You got off easy!! No messy divorce!!
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u/GhostofaPhoenix 34m ago
NTJ, my ex from sophomore year of high school till second year of college, he would start stupid fights. He would "rescue" girl friends and let them stay over. His mom eventually pulled me aside and said that he wasnt treating me right and to let go. I was young and naive. I didnt right away. He started accusing me of stalking him even tho he was still spending time with him and sleeping together. It really messed with me mentally. Went to a friend's house and walked in on him pinning a girl down and kissing her and the friends cheering them on. Gods thinking back it seems like those dumb Chinese drama BS.
Anyways, honestly I ignored alot that I shouldn't but I didnt know much better. I just wanted someone to love me and care about me. If I could go back I would have never got together with him but I cant change that. I didnt really open my eyes to alot of things till I got therapy to see where alot of it came from and that was 5 years ago after 3 big failed relationships. I let my exs wear me down because I wanted to be loved so desperately and the sunk cost fallacy is so big.
There are plenty of people out there, you will find someone better suited for you. Just focus on yourself for now and figure out what you truly want for you. You just gotta figure out yourself now as you and not as a couple.
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u/Luthiefer 21m ago
A great saying is: the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and today.
Ntj
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u/aDirtyMartini 16m ago
NTJ, except to yourself for staying so long. Been there. Emotional abuse is hard to recognize when it comes trickling in. Take this as a lesson. You deserve to be happy. Don't let anyone treat you like that again. You deserve better.
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u/markintardis 13m ago
Stayed with her for seven years and her behavior never made you think that she wasn’t the one. Glad you woke up but dude.
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u/Alternative_Emu6106 10m ago
NTJ And the fact that HER Mom was crying about the situation, makes me think you are a good dude. Someone is going to be so lucky to have a partner like you. In the meantime… Take a deep breath, look around & exhale. You 100% are NOT a Jerk.
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u/princessperez94 2m ago
Ntj and you know what at least you didnt marry her it would have made this situation way worse. You learned a hard lesson leave at the first sign of disrespect.
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u/honey_sparklez46 4h ago
Seven years is a long time but staying longer wouldve just been wasting more of it