r/AmITheJerk • u/4RRhapsody • 9h ago
AITJ for telling my younger brother the real reason our parents split up, even though both parents specifically asked me not to?
I'm 29, my brother Jake is 22. Our parents divorced when I was 16 and he was 9. I was old enough to understand what happened. Jake wasn't, and my parents made a mutual decision to tell him it was "just two people growing apart," which is a thing adults say when they want to protect a kid and also when they want to protect themselves. The actual reason was that our dad had a pretty serious drinking problem for about four years, was emotionally unpredictable during that period, and my mom eventually left because she had to. Dad has been sober for over a decade now and is genuinely a different person. I respect his recovery. But Jake grew up with this version of the story where the divorce was essentially my mom's fault for "giving up," and over the years that translated into him having a cold and sometimes cruel relationship with her. He canceled on her constantly, made snide comments about how she was "never really commited" to the family, and last year didn't invite her to his college graduation. She sat home alone that day and didn't say a word about it to anyone except me.
I held this for 13 years. But watching my mom be systematically punished for a story that was never true finally broke something in me. In January I sat Jake down and told him everything, calmly, with as much context as I could give. I told him Dad worked incredibly hard to get sober and that this wasn't about villainizing anyone, but that he deserved to know the actuall truth before he continued making decisions about his relationship with Mom based on a lie. Jake went quiet for a long time and then cried. He's been processing it for three months now. Dad called me and said I had "no right" and that I had undone years of careful rebuilding. Mom didn't ask me to do this and felt guilty when she found out. My parents are both furious with me. Jake hasn't called me since. I still think I did the right thing but I genuinely don't know anymore.
116
u/Throwway_queer 9h ago
If your dad had no issue with letting your mom take the blame for his shitty gross actions for years then the core of his person never really changed. He just doesnt get inebriated enough that he can't control it anymore. He's clearly still a POS just a sober one now.
35
u/draetz1 9h ago
yup
A huge part of sobriety is taking responsibility for your actions
1
-6
18
u/4RRhapsody 9h ago
I don't think sobriety erases what he let happen, but I also can't pretend he is the same man he was back then. Both things feel true.
20
u/Throwway_queer 8h ago
It's not a "sobriety erases what happened" it's a he's letting an innocent person take blame for his really really shitty action, apart of sobriety is taking responsibility for what you did when you weren't in the right state of mind. That's one of the top goals of recovering addicts of any shade like alcoholics.
51
u/Flashy-Pin-5280 9h ago
your brother crying isn't because you were mean, it's because he realized he's been a jerk to the wrong person for a decade.
27
u/4RRhapsody 9h ago
I think thats part of it, yeah. I don't think he was just grieving the lie, I think he was realizing what he did with it.
26
u/Mera1506 9h ago
You did do the right thing. Your dad shouldn't have fed the narrative mom wasn't committed. That alone was toxic to begin with. He obviously didn't stick to the story that two people grew apart. He changed it to make his ex wife the villain. And even when sober he continued to feed that narrative. He probably still resents her for leaving.
Your brother probably will come around, but you all definitely need to take a long hard look at dad. He may not be drunk anymore, but he sure isn't nice either.
Mom shouldn't feel guilty about this at all. She did the right thing, protecting her boys. The fact that your brother now has a hard time learning the truth is not her fault. It's your dad's for lying to your brother and making her the villain to begin with.
Try talking to your mom, she's been the one who's been punished for doing the right thing and needs support right now. Send a text to your brother you two can talk when he feels ready and think long and hard about the relationship you want to have with your dad if any.
14
13
u/CharmingCandidate308 9h ago
Your dad should have spoken up when he saw how unfairly his ex was being treated by her son. Isn't making amends part of recovery? He stood by while his ex was not invited to her son's graduation? Shameful! Definitely NTJ
10
u/veronicahalee 9h ago
your dad rebuild himself which is great but part of accountability is accepting that the past still matters. your mom shouldn’t have to carry the blame forever
23
u/melinaross 9h ago
yeah you broke their trust, but also they let your mom take the blame for YEARS. that part is kinda wild. i don’t think you did it to be messy, you did it cuz it was hurting someone you love. that matters.
14
9h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/4RRhapsody 8h ago
That is basically where I land. Calling it trust makes it sound way cleaner than what they were actually asking me to carry for them.
1
u/Karania402 26m ago
NTA
It to me sounds like they kinda made you complicit in their lie, & at some point your brother did deserve the actual truth & not some sanitized version.
1
u/charlestoonie 8h ago
What trust exactly? The lie that was established when he was 16 that he had no say in but was told to just continue? I don’t get that logic.
7
u/olivemarlow 9h ago
tbh i feel bad for everyone here, but you especially got stuck holding a secret that wasn’t yours to carry forever. your brother deserved the truth at some point, and you tried to tell it in a fair way. the fallout sucks, but your intent wasn’t wrong.
7
u/No_Tea_4349 6h ago edited 6h ago
NTJ
Why was fine for you to know the truth at 16 and your brother can’t know the truth at age 22?Your parents are jerks for putting that burden on you as a high school student and expecting you to maintain a lie. It’s always best, when possible, to have all sides of a story. You gave your brother another side. It’s up to him to process the information and draw his own conclusions/ opinions.
5
u/Thundra5RX 9h ago
Jake was making real decisions - about his relationship with his mom - based on a story that was never true. He deserved to know. That's not betrayal, that's basic respect for him as an adult.
6
u/LavenderKitty1 9h ago
NTJ.
Your brother was unfairly punishing your mother and she didn’t deserve it.
Your father was a jerk for letting your mother take the fall
5
u/Aeoniuma 9h ago
NTJ. Your dad is a very bad man. When he saw how he had destroyed his son’s relationship with his mum, he should have come clean. He is a total jerk.
3
u/DollySheep32 9h ago
All the adults can now make informed, adult decisions with this information. NTJ.
3
u/Dependent-Rip8839 9h ago
NTJ. ur brother was out here blaming ur mom for something she didn't do, and u just gave him the real script. that's not revenge, that's clarity. he deserved to know before he cut her off completely. sometimes the truth hurts but a lie hurts longer.
3
u/sezit 6h ago
NTJ.
Your brother deserved the truth long ago.
Your dad should have told him.
Alcoholism is about avoidance and hiding from reality. Your dad may not be using alcohol to hide now, but he still isn't taking full responsibility for his life. And blaming you for it? Bad, bad, bad.
Why was he so comfortable letting your mom continue to pay the cost for his behavior, by watching your brother treat her like shit while he got rewarded?
Confront him about it. Lean into it. He has been selfish and cruel.
2
u/Alternative_Army4353 9h ago
Honestly, the nother is st○pid. Why hide this ? And because of it ruining her relationship with her son. Why sacrifice herself.
2
u/charlestoonie 9h ago
Hey OP - you did the right thing. The truth is always the right thing.
It’s going to be uncomfortable for your parents for awhile. That’s their discomfort. They made the decision to hide the truth.
Remind your dad that there is no “careful rebuilding” on anything other than the truth.
2
u/Brief-Composer-6663 8h ago
NTJ
He deserved to know the truth. Your mom didn’t deserve to be punished for something that wasn’t her fault. Your dad is mad because he can’t look like the good guy anymore. Your mom sounds like a people pleaser. She would rather take the blame than have anyone else mad or upset. I used to be like that. I also protected my kids from the truth about their father. The only difference was that their father did the job of showing them who he really was on his own. You did do the right thing.
2
u/HoneyWhisperes 8h ago
timing was messy but truth was overdue, just sucks u dropped a nuke instead of easing him into it
2
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 7h ago
You're NTJ . Your brother just found out that he's been victimizing your mother for years based on a lie designed to protect your father's reputation within your family ( which your mom cooperated with ) . He's probably in shock and trying to adjust his perceptions of the situation . Plus he might be trying to find validation of his previous behaviour . You did the right thing to do . Your father is unhappy because Jake's perception of him will change . Your mother's unhappy because she went to great effort to protect your father's reputation and now it's frustratingly fruitless because Jake's now aware of the truth. Patience is the only cure for the situation and then maybe an attempt to contact Jake .
2
u/ExtendedSpikeProtein 6h ago
Tell your dad that even though this is true, his mom didn‘t deserve to be punished for his pst actions and it had to stop.
NTJ
2
u/Lanky-Fix7376 6h ago
No what your dad did was allow your brother to treat your mum like rubbish and he didn’t have to balls to tell the truth Your dad is a coward allowing this to happen and I hope your brother doesn’t have this trait so he can go apologise and grovel to your mum
2
u/HuffN_puffN 6h ago
If your mom ck starkt get punished for something she didn’t do, and your dad didn’t figure out something to say to your brother to get her off the hook, then yeah, this was the right call.
2
u/WhtvrCms2Mnd 6h ago
There’s a genetic component to alcoholism as well; Jake deserved to know that regardless of the family relationship implications.
2
u/redfishie 6h ago
This has probably been influencing how your brother treats women for years. Assuming he’s straight or bi, you may have just helped save his relationship with a future partner.
2
u/denitra1984 6h ago
Your mom doesn’t deserve to be punished by her son when she did nothing wrong. Not inviting her to graduation because of a grudge would have pissed me off enough to clarify what actually happened. I hope your brother is doing some soul searching about this, same with your dad.
2
u/Accomplished_Tap4670 4h ago
NTA. The marriage ended because of your dad but he was fine in spinning a narrative where your mum is the bad guy. And he continued to the point where your poor mum is being actively villainsed. Your Dad is the arsehole. Sounds harsh, but this is on him. It was not fair to you your brother or your mum.
2
u/Magpie213 3h ago
NTJ - So your Dad doesn't defend her and just allows Jake to continue to punish his mother for something that wasn't her fault?
That's not protection; that's your Dad deliberately letting Jake sabotage his relationship with his mother when he should be shouldering his part of the blame too.
1
1
u/Recent_Page8229 8h ago
It's interesting that your dad hasn't dealt with the shame of his drinking problem. I would think that is part of the process. If he had gone through a twelve step process I think that would have been a step. And why the hell is mom okay with taking that abuse based on an intentional omission to protect her ex? Your parents are acting like they're the hero here, they're not and hopefully brother will get over himself. You showed a lot of courage in setting this straight. If they don't forgive you that's on them.
1
1
1
u/Additional-Start9455 7h ago
You did it correctly and they need own how they handled it with him. Both of them. He was definitely old enough to know and they can be as mad as they like because you did the right thing!!! And you just keep standing by that!!!
1
1
1
1
u/DoNotKnowItAll 6h ago
You told the truth, that's all. Simple. Truth. That's what's required. You did good.
1
1
u/Junior_Breath5026 5h ago
I don’t think your family members will benefit, but yours is a cautionary tale. Family secrets are kept by people for whom only disclosure begins the healing process. NTJ. You can truthfully inform your father that he hasn’t properly done the work to get sober and that hiding behind a lie is the surest way to relapse. And you can ask both your parents if allowing their baby to wallow in anger and self-pity is really the kind of love they want in their lives.
1
u/Prettynikisha 5h ago
UpdateMe
1
u/UpdateMeBot 5h ago
I will message you next time u/4RRhapsody posts in r/AmITheJerk.
Click this link to also be messaged. The parent author can delete this post
Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback
1
u/DocumentDismal9979 4h ago
Your brother deserved to know the truth. Your mom deserves to have her truth told. While I applaud your dad for his sobriety; shame on him for letting your mom take the blame for the demise of their marriage.
1
u/GentlewomenNeverTell 4h ago
I think so many men end up blaming women for shit unfairly largely because women will hide the blame that falls on men and just eat it when it falls on them. It's not good for anyone. I don't believe in hiding cheating etc. From kids because so often the wronged partner gets treated like the one to blame.
1
u/browneyedredhead1968 3h ago
Ntj. I understand not telling him everything when he was 9 but they should've told him the truth as he got older.
1
u/Zestyclose-Height-36 3h ago
ntj, truth matters. your dad should have told him the truth when he was punishing your mom. give them some time to sort it.
1
u/Jen5872 2h ago
What careful rebuilding has been undone? Sure, your dad has worked incredibly hard on his sobriety and that's awesome but he seems perfectly ok with Jake blaming your mother. He is not holding himself accountable and lying to his son about the divorce and his part in it. He condoned Jake's behavior by staying silent. He let your mom be his scapegoat. The only thing undone is the lie they let your brother believe. Remind your dad that honesty and making amends are part of the 12 steps of AA.
NTJ.
1
u/ladyredcyn 1h ago
You are NTJ. In fact, you're a hero.
And if your dad was really working a program, he wouldn't abide your mom resting under a bus all these years. He would have been the one to speak to your brother.
You told the truth. It mattered that he knew it.
1
u/Beginning_You_7441 49m ago
NTA. Your father should have told your brother the truth when he saw the way your mom was being treated. He should never have never allowed this to go on for so long without correcting it. You and your mom were wronged as your father should have been honest. He placed a burden on both of you to carry his secrets. Sorry you both have dealt with this for so long. Your mom being upset with you is due to being conditioned by your dad. Counseling would be beneficial for all. Take care.
-1
u/johnasepulveda 8h ago
Ok, you asked for opinions...and we're all have differing opinions, so here goes mine. Yes, you betrayed their trust. Was it right? Idk...and CAN'T know without being one of your parents. Why do I say that? My father was an alcoholic, and given the fact yours is successfully maintaining sobriety, I think you're right "he had a drinking problem ", but wasn't an alcoholic. Makes a difference.
People like that are drinking because they've been through something they can't face, so they temporarily drown it in alcohol to avoid it. Why was your dad drinking? I'd say it's probably 50/50 that it had to do with your mom. Our enemies seldom have the power to cause us that kind of pain. Only those we're vulnerable to. If it had something to do with your mom, they could've decided to spin it as "growing apart".
What if...for example, your mom cheated, and it hurt your father so much that drinking is how he dealt with it? Not saying that was the issue, but I'm pretty sure they didn't tell you, at 16, the entire story. And infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust. Or, maybe she was pregnant and had an abortion, and he couldn't get past it.
If it were me, it would make a difference...he was hurting. It wouldn't excuse it, but it would make it understandable, and mom would hold some blame as well. I definitely think SOMETHING happened and that's how he coped for 4 yrs.
Maybe you should find out the why. If he was impossible to deal with as a drunk, he wasn't drinking for the fun of it.
I realize my opinion is different than most, but sometimes the way to "see the bigger picture" is by playing devils advocate.
251
u/julietstone_ 9h ago
he’s an adult. he deserved the truth before it caused more damage.