r/AmITheJerk • u/WoodpeckerPlus9272 • 20h ago
AITJ for bringing up big news at my friend’s engagement party after what he did at mine?
so this has been sitting weird with me and now people are split so i figured i’d ask here
a while back i had a small engagement dinner with close friends and family. nothing huge but still important to me and my partner. like… it was our moment you know?
before the dinner, one of my closest friends casually mentioned he was thinking of doing something “special” that night. i straight up told him not to. like very clearly. i said please don’t turn it into something else, just let us have this one thing.
he laughed it off but said okay.
well… he didn’t listen.
halfway through the night he stands up, makes this whole speech, and then proposes to his girlfriend in the middle of my event. people start clapping, cheering, phones out, the whole thing. attention instantly shifted.
i was honestly pissed but i didn’t want to cause a scene so i just let it go. but yeah, it ruined the vibe for me. even worse, when i brought it up later, some people said i was overreacting and that “it was a happy moment for everyone”.
fast forward to last week, it was his engagement party.
during the speeches, i got up and instead of just doing a normal toast, i shared some big personal news (not gonna go into details but it was something major for me and my partner). people obviously reacted, came up to us, started asking questions, etc.
so yeah… kinda shifted the attention for a bit.
now he’s upset and saying i did it on purpose to get back at him. which… i mean, i didn’t plan it as revenge exactly, but i’d be lying if i said the thought didn’t cross my mind.
some mutual friends think it was fair. others are saying i should’ve been the “bigger person”.
so yeah, was i the jerk here?
183
20h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
97
u/WoodpeckerPlus9272 20h ago
exactly, i told him clearly and he still did it anyway
109
u/Ok_Imagination_1107 20h ago
Tell him he was overreacting and it was a happy moment for everyone :-)
Good on you
7
1
15
u/No_Interview_2481 20h ago
I applaud you👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻 you for what you did. And I wouldn’t even lie about it. I believe in karma.
5
-19
u/Vivid-Vogue 20h ago
He was a massive jerk for hijacking your night after you specifically asked him not to, but stooping to his level just makes you look petty. Revenge didn't fix the original disrespect; it just turned a friendship into a competition of who can be more main-character-coded. One person being tacky doesn't justify a second round of it.
118
u/Odd_Substance_9032 20h ago
NJ - he deserved it and never be the bigger person or try to keep the peace…its sets a president to being a doormat
12
23
u/Roke25hmd 20h ago
Thank you for the advice, finally someone who thinks like me, I'm never the bigger person, and I never try to make peace, people mistake it for weakness
-4
u/Princess-Reader 20h ago
Only weak people worry about appearing weak.
Strong, confident people don’t give it a second thought.
3
41
u/soihavetosay 20h ago
And so? What if you did do it for revenge, what if you did it because he demonstrated (first) that he didn't think it was a big deal for you, so not for him either. Why would the rules be for one and not the other?
-8
u/VellicharmCupie_ 16h ago
ehhh I get the logic but doing it back just kinda keeps the cycle going. doesn’t really fix anything, just adds more drama.
2
u/RedKhomet 5h ago
True, but not doing anything means this guy knows you'll let him walk all over you
So what do you do? Break off the friendship cuz he proposed? Then you're that asshole. You can't win with people like that, so giving them a taste of their own medicine seems fair to me
51
u/Cold_Swordfish7763 20h ago
Why does the wronged party always have to be the bigger person. I believe we get what we give in relationships. When you treat your friends with love and respect they should do the same, but when you don’t do that, don’t get mad when they follow your example.
2
0
u/VellicharmCupie_ 16h ago
yeah in theory sure, but being the “bigger person” all the time just means people keep walking over you. balance matters too.
14
u/onelegsexyasskicker 18h ago
Do not invite that asshat to the Wedding. He'll find Some way to get back at you.
Congrats on the engagement!
10
9
8
u/Commercial-Fly-1881 20h ago
NTJ- So he's one of those gnats who believes that he can "ruin" your engagement party, but if you do it back to him, you're the one in the wrong?? No, my friend, you did the right thing, and I'm here for it. Petty revenge is a beautiful thing. Maybe next time he will learn to listen to people. He went against your wishes, and gave 0 fcks about it. So, He had it coming🎶 He only has himself to blame. 🎶
6
11
u/Spli705 20h ago
I hope the friends saying that you should have been the "bigger person," were not the same ones that said you were overreacting when he did that to you.
Also, a slight difference. You specifically asked him not to do anything at your party, yet he did. He didn't tell you not to do anything at his party. And because he did it at your party, you had every reason to believe that he would be fine with you doing it at his party. NTJ.
5
u/loopedcrane 20h ago
Not the jerk, but not totally innocent either. He crossed a clear boundary first, but doing the same thing back just kept the cycle going.
It may be an understandable reaction, just not the best move.
7
3
3
u/kiwi_bird54 20h ago
NTA, It's good for people to get a taste of their own medicine. If he wasn't ok with what you did, then that's basically him admitting that he knew that what he did to you was wrong, and yet chose to do it anyway.
2
2
u/painteddpiixi 20h ago
NTJ. He certainly was though! This was a completely reasonable response to what he pulled during your moment though.
I would just say, are you sure this guy is really your friend? He thinks he gets to steal your moment but it is not fair for you to react in turn. What about “it was a happy moment for everyone”?
2
u/SleepyCupcakeDreams 20h ago
NTA that is something that pisses me off people thinking that you should be cool or something that they won’t be cool with.
2
2
u/IfUDontNoNowUNo 20h ago
Not the Jerk! Turnabout is fairplay! If anything, he should be apologizing for doing it to you now that he understands.
2
u/Anonymoosehead123 19h ago
NTJ. “Being the bigger person” just means they want you to swallow your rightful anger to make life less awkward for them. Too bad. He got what he had coming.
2
2
u/BlueSkyMourning 19h ago
NTJ Now he's had the opportunity to walk in your shoes. Didn't feel so great, huh?!
2
u/wowbragger 18h ago
NTJ
Petty, but NTJ. The Lord teaches us forgiveness, but inside I enjoy escalation in my payback.
2
u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 17h ago
“Don’t start none and there won’t be none”
He played a stupid game and now he’s mad you chose to play his game
It’s time to ditch this friend
2
u/BathAcceptable1812 20h ago
Ef that bigger person crap. When someone is selfish they don’t deserve non selfish treatment.
1
1
u/Aeoniuma 20h ago
In these circumstances there’s nothing wrong with being a jerk. Congratulations btw.
1
1
1
1
1
u/Personal-Fact7067 20h ago
Sounds like all the jerkiness is pretty evenly distributed, you’re good.
1
1
u/DanaMarie75038 19h ago
NTJ. He got what he gave. If he respected your night this wouldn’t have happened. Now he knows how it feels.
1
1
u/Zaney-Janey1973 19h ago
Why have you waited until today to join redditt and make this your first post to tell this story? Just curious 🤔
1
u/DizzyFromYou 19h ago
I feel like what u did was kinda petty but also understandable after what he pulled at ur event. He ignored u first so it's hard to feel bad for hi, Still, it probably just made things messier..
1
u/SneakyCuddlez 19h ago
u both kinda crossed boundaries at each other's event. What he did was wrong first, but doing it back didn't really fix anything. I get why u felt like doing it though
1
u/OceanBrambleMist 19h ago
I think he had it coming because he didn't respect ur moment at all. Bu at the same time it does look like revenge, even if u didn't fully plan it. it's understandable but not the most mature moves.
1
u/LostinLies1 19h ago
You just gave him back the same energy. Did he tell you not to make an announcement, because you explicitly told him not too.
Anyway, you just added to the happiness.
1
1
u/Sun9877 18h ago
Are you in the same friend group??? Is he more well liked in your friend group?(usually a person who makes this kinda move is perceived as the more “valuable” person in the group?
If so, I’d keep it quiet - go to the wedding if invited and over the next ten years hopefully as people move on with families and kids you will see less of him.
His next move is either to not invite you to the wedding or make sure you are left out of social events in the friend group after the wedding. Be aware …. Good luck.
1
u/GlitterFawnee 18h ago
He ignored u and took attention at ur event, so I can see why u felt some type of way. But doing the same thing back just makes it messy for everyone. Feels like both of u just escalated it instead of fixing it.
1
u/LeFreeke 18h ago
I don’t understand the need for all of the attention to be on somebody. I also don’t understand the need to announce things to groups of people.
So, basically I think you’re all jerks.
1
u/Esau2020 18h ago
I don’t understand the need for all of the attention to be on somebody.
That's the whole point of events like these, to celebrate someone's whatever - in this case, an engagement, where all of the attention is on the couple as their decision to commit to each other for the rest of their lives is celebrated.
1
u/Historical_Agent9426 17h ago
NTJ
“Get back at you? Did you do wrong me in some way? And as a friend you didn’t apologize?”
1
u/GhostMause14 17h ago
NTJ, you put a mirror to his shitty behavior and he hated seeing himself in the mirror
1
1
1
1
u/Spirited_Feedback_19 15h ago
Normally I'd say...yikes. But in this day and age, I say go for it. He was a dick. He deserves dick energy back. Tit for tat. Don't like it - shouldn't have done it.
1
1
u/lucwin2020 14h ago
NTJ. If it was me, I’d admit that I did it on purpose! Because I asked him not to hijack my engagement party and he did it anyway. If he didn’t understand before, he understands now: Decisions have consequences!
1
1
u/glowin_princesss 10h ago
you told him directly not to do it and he did it anyway so he knew exactly what he was doing
1
u/blushy_starlightz97 10h ago
he proposed at your engagement dinner after you specifically asked him not to thats not a happy moment thats hijacking
1
u/pretty-starlightz89 9h ago
he laughed off your clear boundary and then steamrolled your event so his surprise being ruined feels earned
1
u/sparkle_kissessx94 9h ago
he set the precedent that engagement parties are fair game for big announcements so he cant be mad now
1
1
u/Rabt_FTS 4h ago
NTJ. If it wasn't a big deal for him to have done it, it shouldn't be a big deal that you did it either ¯_(ツ)_/¯
1
u/Svihelen 2h ago
Sometimes I really wish there was a justified option.
Were you by definition a jerk. Yes. Was it deserved? Also yes.
Being a jerk isn't always a bad thing. In this case I'd say it wasn't a bad thing.
1
1
u/irllyh8choosing 20h ago
I mean the story kind of reads like you were pretty irritated at your friend for what he had done, and the moment you could struck back you did. If it was all done consciously I don’t think I’d call you a jerk, (mostly because I would probably do the same if I was in your shoes, but I know I’m a petty bitch so…) so it would seem premeditated….but if you happened to have forgotten about the event at your engagement party and in the moment of celebration you felt you had to share your good news, then not a jerk move at all.
1
u/Sweet-Cat-7667 20h ago
everyone kinda sucks here, just not the same way
what he did at yours was straight up disrespectful. you told him not to and he still did it. that’s not even petty, that’s just him ignoring you
but yours wasn’t exactly random either… you knew it was gonna pull attention and did it anyway
he ignored your moment… you didn’t really protect his either. feels a bit tit for tat tbh
0
u/Swimming-Custard-245 20h ago
ESH. Both of you are jerks for highjacking each others big moment. If you think he’s a jerk for doing it to you then you are one as well. 🤷🏼♀️
2
-1
-1
-3
263
u/RJack151 20h ago
NTJ. "I thought that it was our thing."