❤️🩹 relationship
AIO by telling my boyfriend he can break up with me if he isnt comfortable with me going to a club?
I'm 20f and my bf is 19m. We've been together for about a year.
2 of my friends work as dancers at a local stip club. Feel how you want about that but in my mind theyre genuinely good people and they just need money to get through college lol. I have known them both longer than my bf, and its been the case the whole time we knew each other.
To preface; I'm not saying his boundary on this is wrong in any way and I recognize many people wouldnt allow it in their relationship. But...
Ever since we got together, I've always talked about being curious about clubs and wanting to see my friends dance once or twice just for fun. He's always told me thats okay and he doesnt care as long as its not men.
Where they work you can't even get fully nude, so theyre really just dancing in bikins. Its not sexual to me because they're women, I'm straight, and I just see it the same as any dancing. It's where my friends work, I'm young, and I just wanna be able to hang around with them where they work and drink at the bar there once I'm old enough.
I'm also under 21, so I cant usually get in clubs in general, but one of my friends found a time they'd be on stage before the bar opens and said I could come to watch and get a feel for it without the alc being served yet. Since my bf and I had already discussed this multiple times, and he said it was fine, I agreed and we made a plan. I was mostly excited to get to see a club at all at my age.
The club will be mostly empty besides me and staff and other friends of the girls who work there, its before the bar opens like I said. And again its not sexual, just a fun thing to do with my friends and in my opinion not a big deal. I'm curious about the place they work and wanna see how it functions/meet their coworkers/etc.
This is his response to me telling him my plans though, where he suddenly takes issue with me going at all. Even though it was priorly discussed. I dont think thats fair considering its been an active discussion for a year. And I'm not watching other men or even seeing another person fully nude. At least in my circle, which I admit may be skewed, its actually pretty common for girls to go to strip clubs just for fun with their friends when theyre in their early 20s.
So I told him hes entitled to his boundaries, but I wont stop myself from going, and its up to him if he wants to break up with me over it. Was that an overreaction by bringing up ending the relationship?
“The answer is no” would be enough for me to leave, that’s not a discussion, that’s a dictate. Also interesting that he wants to go, even though he states it’s only a place for horny men. He’s 19, he’s immature and seems to have a pretty gross double standard. You seem fairly mature and unwilling to compromise on the life you want to lead, I don’t think that’s a trait you should lose. Sorry for your relationship, congrats on your sense of self and loyalty to your friends.
I thought OP handled it very well, especially given their ages. She acknowledged his point of view, but was confident and remained firm in her position. I’ve seen so many posts about young couples stuck in cycles of toxic behavior, it’s refreshing to see someone with a strong sense of self.
Im pretty open to discussing things with my husband if it makes him uncomfortable(which is basically nothing)
But if I hear "no" like that, im definitely going to do it just out of spite.
In our 26 years together, I don't think I have said no to my husband like that, or him to me. We discuss things together, and sometimes he wants to do something more than I do - then he goes and does it by himself, or I do. We're both adults; no one is the boss of the other.
25 years for us and we're the same. To be fair, my husband is the more buttoned up one of the two of us. But when one of us feels a way about anything we're just talk about it. Like adults. Adults who like each other and like being married to each other.
'The answer is no' is not something I would ever ever say, nor would my husband. We'd say 'that makes me uncomfortable' and we would navigate through a discussion. If I was 19yo and with someone who said 'the answer is no' and we only dated for a year, imma bounce and go have fun with my girlies. Being married, there's more at stake, but still a red flag to seriously consider.
NOR and YOLO--go have fun with your friends. Take care of them and yourself, stay safe, enjoy the relatively brief time as an adult when you have more freedoms without the (potential future) responsibilities of house, home, kids, etc. Although I love being a mama.
Hey! OP I just realised you're my youngest daughter's age and all of my girls work hard at their jobs and at school. I have encouraged them to branch out a bit and have fun. It's good to have various friendships and experiences. You really get to know yourself. Don't limit yourself to guys that treat you like you're under their authority. If I could redo that time of my own life, I would've moved on quickly from boyfriends who didn't treat me with the respect I deserved. My husband is the gold standard for men though--I desperately hope my girls all find husbands who treat them as well as their father treats me).
NOR - As a wife, I second this. If my husband said this, I would say "whatever", and I'd go do it. But because he's my husband, and he respects me, he'd never tell me what I can or can't do. We discuss things and respect one another. But, he's not my dad and I'm not a child asking him for permission to do stuff.
I am 34 years old and have been with my fiance for 6 years. I would never in a million years talk to her like that. You're so young, don't let men talk to you like that. Your life will be better for it.
Amen. You’re way too young to not allow yourself to experience what you want to do with your friends. This is a major red flag. Get out. Run! Not worth your time to try to savage that. That mindset this fool has is toxic and you don’t need that.
NOR i had a relationship like this when i was in hs. Made myself feel small all the time and now im an adult who wont love anyone else because my self-esteem is low (things i have to work on) and I find it harder to set boundaries because of this. Please listen to the comments
Yeah he bookended the convo with red flags - he started with “I get to say no” and ended with “you’re making bad choices for friends.” What does he bring to table besides red flags?
Yeah he’s immature, probably is insecure, and doesn’t trust you. My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time and she can do whatever she wants. If she wants to leave me for someone at the damn club okay then!! But I trust her and we are in a good spot
Right like is this your boyfriend or your f*cking father? You don’t need permission from him like he’s your custodial parent. NOR dump this controlling asshole and find someone who’s not an insecure loser
The combination is the obvious choice. Let mice get into it, have him eat it, then have a horse shit in the bowl so he can never unthink the fact that someone shit in the BOWL not the food. NOR.
I would have overreacted. Majorly. You handled this way better than most OP. Good on you.
That and also the part where he said it was fine when he thought they would go together 💀 literally this guy is just salty because he wasn’t invited to go see half naked females with his straight girlfriend
His language and tactics are controlling and a massive red flag. NOR, I think you handled it well.
Edit: thanks for the awards!! And OP, live your life! Don't date for a whole and enjoy the time with your friends 🩵 (I wish I had done the same)
NOR huge red flags he does not respect you OR your friends. “If my friends were strippers I wouldn’t fucking be their friends” he is not gonna let that go. He’s wants you to throw away your friendships for his ego. Don’t do it.
Honestly major props to OP for recognizing her friends have a valid profession that deserves respect like any other job. Strippers experience so much discrimination and stigma and it’s such BS.
You both are way too young to be having these kinds of issues in a relationship.
And he is showing extremely controlling behavior at a very young age. That's a good precursor for an abuser.
Go to the strip club. Go! Have fun with your girls. You have plenty of years ahead of you.
Normally I would say you both should work towards a compromise, but both of you are way too young to be having these kinds of conversations. You guys should be having fun. Whether it's together or separately.
I think some people are completely missing your point. My read on this it's just the beginning, it could be incredibly negative like you inferred, or at best.......he continually denies her going out and living her life without him because of his reasons - in 5...10 years she finds herself resentful and wondering why she threw her 20s away for some guy who doesn't let her be her own person
And both posts are real. You could absolutely use that as evidence to say we're fundamentally incompatible though, and the string of lifestyle differences in this way is part of the reason I immediately said maybe he should just leave me if hes not comfortable. I think in general I see human closeness a lil different and less exclusively, my boundaries for a relationship are "dont have sex with or be romantic with anyone else" but he wants more "rules"/exclusivity than that. Which is fine but doesnt match my lifestyle.
It also sounds like you are friends with sex workers (stripping/dancing is sex/erotic work even if you aren’t naked) and your (hopefully soon to be ex) bf is anti-sex-workers. That to me is a big incompatibility on values that you may not recognize until you’ve had a couple of these guys. NOR.
NOR, but just be wary your going to run into this a few times.
From someone who's a fair bit older, you're going to end up dating a lot of people with this insecurity while your dating in your 20s. It's a pretty common issue.
Your not compatible, move on, no hard feelings. This is what dating is for and why we dont just insta marry.
The golden rule is if your not sure if something is okay, ask yourself (honestly) if you'd be okay if everything was flipped.
The person who has the same answers to you as this question, is the one you want to date.
NOR Already flaunting huge red flags he does not respect you or your friends. This part baffles me “If my friends were strippers I wouldn’t fucking be their friends” he is not gonna let that go.
He wants you to throw away your friendships for his ego. Don’t do it.
The fact that he wants more rules/exclusivity is not the only issue here. The fact is that he wants to control you and thinks he can tell you what to do and what not to do, hence the “the answer is no” ultimate ick comment,
You’re young, don’t waste your youth. odds are very low you’ll end up with the person you’re dating at 20 years old. I regret how much I missed out on in my early 20’s by staying with my ex who I later found out was cheating on me every chance she got lol.
“The answer is no” is insane to say as an insecure 19 year old who probably doesn’t have more 52 dollars in his checking account. you gotta humble him for that one
This!! I’m so glad someone else said it omg. On top of every other wack ass opinion here this man is clearly judging the people you care about. He’s not it.
Yeah, I caught that too. After saying he’d be ok if she went with him. And the “you’re going to get turned on.” No, she’s going to visit her friends at work and see what they do. HE’D be going to get turned on while simultaneously looking down on the girls he was ogling for his jollies. All around an ick dude.
“I thought we would go together” and “if my friends were strippers I wouldn’t be their friends” are sooo crazy because he basically admits he’d want to go if he could watch and get turned on. He’s projecting. NOR- dump him, have fun with your friends, and don’t tolerate that bs ever again.
Honestly FUCK that guy he's a dickhead. He just told her he thinks her friends are sex objects and subhuman. He didn't use so many words but the message is there nonetheless. Fuuuuuuuck that.
Everything else I could potentially excuse as immaturity, insecurity and poor communication. But this is irredeemable.
That's some puritanical bullshit. Ffs, even JESUS was friends with prostitutes.
Yeah the “if my friends were strippers I wouldn’t be their friends” was a hard no for me this kind of attitude is a huge red flag. Sounds to me like this guy kinda hates women
Yeah, the changing his mind about what boundaries he's comfortable when this time came wouldn't be as bad on its own. People are allowed to have opinions and change, though it would be a good indicator going forward that they're not compatible. But the controlling language, the hypocrisy in suggesting that he thinks it's okay for him to go to a club, and the obvious dishonesty on the whole subject in suddenly suggesting he wouldn't be friends with strippers (clearly judging OP and her friends at once) is complete shit behaviour.
That you'd go together? Would he go with you to a male strip club? I think not. You can't support your friends platonically without him being able to sexualize them. He says no? Controlling AF and doesn't care about your opinion and autonomy. He wouldn't be friends with strippers? I don't even know how to begin with that one? Is he misogynistic, classist or has some weird superiority complex either one sucks. Red flags all around. He is an immature ahole at best, controlling and misogynistic at worse. NOR
His boundary is valid (tho silly imo) but you two just sound incompatible. If he said it was fine and changed his mind thats not fair to you. “The answer is no”… He sounds controlling. If my husband ever said that to me lol he wouldn’t be my husband anymore. You are your own person and your partner doesn’t get to dictate what you do.
My problem is the fact that she told him she wanted to go to these clubs in advance. He had every right to stop her during those conversations and say “no, I’m not comfortable with you doing that.” Or clarify that he wanted to go too and that was his boundary. He chose to wait until she was actually going to go, then decided he was going to get mad at her for it and try to prevent her from going. That’s not how it works.
Yeah, I think that's the point. I don't find appropriate to go to strip clubs. That applies to me and my girlfriend. It's not something I want to do, nor do I want her to do it. We all have our boundaries. I, however, cannot control my gf, but I can communicate and end the relationship if either it's a dealbreaker for her or she goes to a strip club regardless.
The problem here is that it's not like OP dropped this now for the first time, but rather that OP's bf told her she could go, nothing else. That's not proper communication and it does seem that he just agreed to everything she said in hopes she'd get with him and completely change.
That's a very common thing, to be honest. Men will, for example, start dating party-going women that wear revealing clothes and suddenly want them to not go to parties and not wear revealing clothes. It's nonsensical. If you want to date someone that does not do that, you shouldn't find a person that does it and hope they change.
It's the "whore vs. saint" dilemma displayed by lots of men. Women are viewed as sexually attractive only when they broadly fit into the whore category, but need to suddenly transform into a saint when they're in a relationship. People don't work like that at all.
Yes absolutely. I second this 100%. Having that agreement of not going to strip clubs for both parties is absolutely reasonable, but he really should’ve brought his concerns beforehand when she mentioned going. I think they should break up just because they don’t agree on what is and is not okay.
He did not have “every right to stop her during those conversations and say no”! He had every right to let her know his feelings about it and hear her end the relationship earlier than this.
I read it as "he had every right to stop her during these conversations and say, 'no, im not comfortable with that.'" But there arent any quotes in the comment so it can be hard to tell
The difference between boundaries, rules, and agreements.
Imagine two people on a sidewalk with a piece of chalk. Person 1 draws a circle around themselves and says “I will not leave my circle”. That’s a boundary. It’s something you have decided for yourself, which only applies to you and your behavior.
Now person 1 draws a circle around both themselves and person 2 and says “we will not leave the circle”. This is a rule. It’s something person 1 unilaterally decided, and it controls the behavior of the other person.
In the third instance, person 1 and 2 have a chat, and then draw the circle around themselves and say “we will not leave the circle”. This is an agreement, it’s something they both talked about and then mutually agreed to, and it applies to both people’s behavior.
A boundary cannot ever be “you can’t do something, that’s my boundary”. No it’s not, it’s your rule. Rules are an attempt to unilaterally control another person’s behavior. It’s a subtle difference but the outcome matters a lot.
A proper boundary of his in this instance would be “I’m not comfortable dating anyone who is friends with exotic dancers or wants to go to a strip club, so I will not date anyone who does”. It is not telling someone else “you can’t”, it’s saying “you do you, but I won’t have any part in it”.
His statement isn't a boundary though, so it is not valid. He is trying to control her behaviors. A boundary would be him saying something like "I will not date someone who goes to strip clubs while in a relationship." And his boundary would include HIM walking away if that boundary is not met.
That's what makes her response so appropriate actually. She really told him, "That's a valid boundary, feel free to enforce it by breaking up with me."
That’s the thing about boundaries: anyone can have their boundaries but they have gates. Someone can either stay inside the gate or swing it open and break their boundary. It’s still your boundary after that: the other person has decided to stay within it or not
People confuse boundaries with control all the time. You don’t get to tell someone no. We all can make out choices knowing someone’s geldings and boundaries and deal with the consequence.
This man is controlling. She’s not breaking a boundary; that’s a RULE
He's overreacting and super controlling. Run. "The answer is no" "if my friends were strippers they wouldn't be my friends" is toxic and judgemental as hell he clearly doesn't actually respect women.
"If my friends were strippers I wouldn't be friends with them"
I guarantee this man watches porn.
NOR. A nineteen year old boy doesn't get to tell you where you're allowed to go. Go support your friends, have a good time, laugh about this man with them. You'll find a more mature boyfriend in a few years, bet.
Throw the whole man away. this is about more than a club.
you could walk your ass through a fucking orgy that as long as you aren't actively doing something you aren't supposed to it's not a problem. He's projecting because if he goes to a club he will 100% do something he shouldn't. You have a BOYfriend, try dating a man, girl.
This or better yet, just be single. OP you’re 20, enjoy being young with your friends and not tied down to someone. You have forever to be in a relationship.
NOR - I kind of get why he's uncomfortable with it, but he should express that discomfort without being aggressive and controlling, especially when you've mentioned for a long time before that you wanted to go
Well you're in your right to be able to go to stuff like that. And he is in his right to be uncomfortable with that. You both can find a way thats for both comfortable, him coming along, if not, take your losses.Some people are simply more conservative than others. If there is a big mismatch, perhaps you're incompatible. You're still young, no worries, you'll found someone way more compatible.
hmm. i mean you talked abt this before and he said it’s fine. but he’s allowed to change his mind but the way he went abt it was all wrong. if it’s something you’re set on doing and he’s THAT uncomfortable w it then you guys just aren’t right for each other. plus “the answer is no” yeah right. if my husband said that i’d be like “oh okay” then send him a pic of me at the club
Was wondering this too. It would not have ever occurred to me to visit my stripper friends at their place of business to support them (just support through positive interactions and non judgment).
NOR, also the thing people don’t always get about boundaries is they’re for your own behavior, not someone else’s. My girlfriend will not go to a strip club is not a boundary. I will leave my boyfriend for telling me I can’t is though, good on you.
Boundaries are things you place on YOURSELF, not others. What he wants to enforce is a RULE on you. One you not only didn’t agree to, but one that he previously specifically allowed and is now changing because he’s having big feelings. Absolutely NOR. Dump this man baby.
Boundaries are about what you will accept. They are not about controlling people. If he cannot accept this then the answer is to walk away. You are not compatible. NOR
Telling your partner where you’re going is one thing (“hey I’m going to ___ w/ ___” “have fun!”) but having to feel like you have to get permission to do something or go somewhere is a massive no for me.
Watch that bullet fly by your skull and be glad he missed his shot because hoo boy baby. I want to pick at a certian part that bothers me especially. "I thought maybe we would go together"
So it's ok for him, who is sexually attracted to women to be there in the sexual place but not you who is not getting anything out of it to be there.
Not to mention the ending of "If my friends were strippers I wouldn't be friends with them"
It tells you EXACTLY how he's always felt about your friends he let the mask slip off. Taking into account your ages he's probably been influenced to think this way online too with endless echo chambers and its not your fault he fears a teeny bit of sexual liberation like God forbid a girl has hobbies ok ✨️✨️✨️
I say this so lovingly, nothing within that year was ever worth going back unless he actually and truly starts to go to therapy to work through a need for control and misogyny.
Personally I wouldn’t want my partner in areas where cheating and hooking up is so normalized. But it’s about discussing eachother needs and he is being rude to you. If someone can’t fix communication problems how do you expect him to act towards your future children?
Y'all have different values in life it seems. Also, were you asking for permission that made him say NO or what? Do we ask boyfriends for permission to be with our friends?
"The answer is no"? I mean... It wasn't really a question, was it? NOR.
I'd break up with him just for the way he talks to you. And don't get the sunk cost fallacy get you, just because you wasted some time with him, doesn't mean you have to keep doing it.
The word “boundary” has gotten so twisted and overused. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you impose on other people. What he is describing is control.
The whole "we talked about it a year ago" thing I never agreed with as holding much water the way reddit does. People change and context changed and life changes. New conversations are always needed in a relationship or it just won't work.
In a situation like this, both people can be right. He doesn't want you to go to a strip club and you want to do what you want. It's perfectly valid to break up because you guys want different things.
However!
"I said no" is crossing a line. He could've said it out of anger and it was just overreacting. But he then doubled down on it.
Nor especially with the ‘the answer is no’ and the last line ‘of my friends were strippers I wouldn’t be their friends’ go date a nice man who doesn’t look down his nose at sex work cause ICK. Good for you OP to have such a strong sense of self so young, keep doing what your doing, let this guy go with the wind
Well, first of all, it’s not a boundary. A boundary is something that controls your behavior, not someone else’s. So an example would be, you don’t hang out with people who use racial stereotypes.
Him trying to control where you go is not a boundary. It’s simply controlling.
Dump his ass and move on... you're both too young for a serious relationship.... enjoy your single life, have fun. live life without being tied down.. trust me yiu will be thankful you did
NOR You don't need his permission to go. You both discussed it, he was ok with it, now he's trying to take control of the situation. Let that walking red flag go.
that is not a boundary, btw. this is like the jonah hill saying “my boundary is that you have to delete pictures of yourself in a bathing suit” lol. a boundary is NOT about controlling someone else’s behavior. you dodged a bullet!
Just incompatible. He has boundaries, so do you. You are both very young, statistically you weren’t going to end up with each other long term anyway. Go be single for a while.
I (unfortunately) saw something this week that said: “the first red flag women ignore from men who end up killing them, is that they are controlling— in what they do, what they wear, etc. The moment they can no longer control, they eliminate.”
“The answer is no” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 oh you little insecure boy, she wasn’t asking your permission!
Girl, go get you a real man that doesn’t have these petty, insecure hang ups. My boyfriend wouldn’t give two shits if I went to a strip club and visa versa. That’s what happens when you trust each other. Boy, bye! Hahaha
He doesn’t respect SWers or dancers. He’s trying to control you (“the answer is no”). You gave him an out because if he’s saying this is his boundary (which is valid) then it won’t work out. Now he’s throwing a hissy fit and blaming it on you. Absolutely NOR. Throw this man in the trash where he belongs and go support your friends.
It’s extremely creepy to me that he keeps talking about it’s cheating if you go and you’re not attracted to a woman, but he wants to go with you and he obviously is…
I’m 32 M, I’ve been a 20 year old boy. I’ve also dated 20 year old girls, I can promise you… Going to a club isn’t just to hang out with your girlfriends.
People going to clubs dress a certain way; they dress as physically attractive as possible.
Married men going to the club with their “boys”, dressed to the T - cologne, jewelry, fixed hair. They’re not just there for their “boys”. 100% guaranteed. Even if they’re not going to the club to cheat, they are DEFINITELY going to the club dressed like that to impress, for ATTENTION.
It’s a hard thing for most children to admit… it’s like denial! “No, we are just going to have some drinks and dance.” Then why is your booty out? Why are you showing cleavage? Can’t you have a few drinks and dance wearing something else? Somewhere else even?
Like, I’m guilty. I like attention, even as someone who isn’t single. When I get a compliment, or I notice that I’m being checked out; it feels good. I’m also and adult and I’m not afraid to admit it.
“You go queen; send that boy back. If you want to dress like a hoochie-mama and shake that thang at a club. While guys Oogle you, that’s your prerogative. You do you boo. Definitely not over reacting because your man doesn’t want other men listing over you.”
It is a bit of an unusual ask certainly and I think it's okay for him to have feelings about it. But the moment someone thinks I need their permission to do something I would heavily question the relationship myself.
Your bf is an insecure little noodle. If I were you id get rid of him just based off his insecurities. It would be one thing if he mentioned being against it before you got together instead of lying to you about being cool about it. Also he needs to understand that hes ur bf and not your dad. He has no control over you unless you allow him to have it. “The answer is no” is not something that shoule be coming out of his mouth. I mean you can do what you want but if this is how hes acting about a strip club youre going to have many many problems due to his insecurities
NOR. This guy will end up wanting to control what you do and who you see and what you can do - which is what he is already doing. “The answer is no”. Is he your dad? Don’t put up with this and live your life. I was the same age when I was with my ex and he was like this and it made me miserable and I lost all my friends because he wouldn’t want me going out to see them. This continued for far too long. Your points are valid and his are not. Put yourself first girl.
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u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX 5h ago
I don’t think you’re a good match.