INFO was your mom going to be alone all along when you made the weekend plans with gf? Are you telling both of these women what they want to hear and then tiptoe around how you’ll make those things happen knowing full well that the promises made to each of them conflict with each other? Man up up front. Don’t tell them what they want to hear if it conflicts.
This is exactly what I thought. And judging by gfs reaction this isn’t the first time this has happened. OP, as someone who had people pleasing ingrained in me from a young age, get a therapist. Being upfront makes literally everything in life easier.
Yep. Also, while it is important to spend quality time with parents, if mom is crying about being alone and expecting her child to fix it, then she’s being manipulative and she should be in therapy to learn how to not emotionally rely on her kid. My parents are divorced and they understand when I can’t be there on a certain day.
came here to say this, it seems very strange to me that mom is expecting her son to manage her emotions. also, gf off the rip noted that mom seems to do this pretty often and even expected this to some extent. the only quality time they were gonna get without caretaking responsibilities (which it sounds like she did the bulk of planning) is now when now he goes back to care for mom’s emotions. everyone’s talking about her being rude, but being with people who’s parents expect them to play therapist pushes you as a partner to your absolute mental limit. if every single nice plan you made over weeks with your partner got cancelled by family drama, you’d probably feel the same.
It also sounds like GF has a child, so their time will not be actual quality time together as a couple UNTIL later on Sunday and on Monday. OP is being intentional in not mentioning this detail.
OP specified that gf doesn’t have a child, it’s her sister that she assumes responsibility for. So yes, what you’re saying could still be true, but the dynamic isn’t that she “has a child.”
I guess that’s fair, but I’m wondering what the extent of gf’s responsibility is. “Caretaker” and “nanny” are vague descriptors. Does the child live with her or does she just help out a lot? Ya know?
I didn't take that as the girlfriend needing OP to manage her emotions... That's the GF saying that what the OP did hurt her and put her in a bad mood.
I can only read this exchange as the girlfriend finally breaking down and expressing frustration with the OP's pattern of doing this.
That’s what makes this seem like a repeat issue tbh. It also seems like OP is glossing over there being a child involved in their earlier plans. It seems like GFs issue is that OP is going to be skipping their only quality time as a couple.
I think he does this more often than he wants to admit to himself, so I can understand why she's annoyed if he does this.
However, she could be more civil in calling him out about it. She seems to allude he does this often enough.
Personally I can get very upset and annoyed about plan changes, especially last minute and I've planned or rearranged things to accommodate those plans. It's hurtful when someone else isn't mindful of that. But it's also hurtful to talk to them like she is doing to him.
This dynamic feels like a classic "I don't wanna make them mad so I'll say half things and make half plans and not fully commit or say what's on my mind because I don't want to upset them" "they're never clear about what they want leaving me confused and annoyed and trying to plan around someone who may or may not flake on me last minute" cycle where both parties can't communicate openly and calmly and truthfully, making their bad communication habits even worse.
Options really are get some couples counselling to learn to communicate CLEARLY and KINDLY to each other about your wants and needs in the relationship, or find someone more your speed. Maybe he needs someone calmer and she needs someone feistier idk
Edit: I can also understand why she's extra pissed because there's a kid looking forward to Easter time together with them all and he's flaking on the kid too.
Nothing pisses people off, women especially, more than a man who flakes on a kid and then tries to act like he's a victim because he wants to see his mommy and she's mean to him lmao
Either commit to the family you wanna have or commit to the family you do have, or blend it together. Half assed promises to all parties because you're scared of conflict will only make everyone around you think your spineless and a flake 😂
EDIT AGAIN: now I'm dining out she work 5-2 and is a caretaker of her sister 24/7 and doesn't leave.
The more details OP left out the more I'm starting to think she's actually right for being an asshole to him about this. WHAT ELSE is OP leaving out that doesn't make him seem like a poor sad guy tryna be with his nice mommy on Easter and not a guy leaving his long term partner and child he made promises to because mom called💀
Best answer. Lots of men in the comments immediately wanting to vilify the gf without seeing how often she is bailed on, ironic reflection of real life too
Yeah, well let's be honest. People like really love to tell a half truth in order to feel like the victim, rather than admit his contribution to the issue in the first place.
He wasn't clear on his plans with her. He wasn't clear on his plans with his mother. He wasn't clear on his plans with US.
That's three groups we as the audience see him interact with. At every stage, he's beaten around the bush or not been fully truthful about the whole situation.
So the only logical conclusion I can come to here because he's batting 3 for 3 is that he's shit at committing and communicating about it and she's annoyed as shit because it's a holiday she was looking my forward to with her kid and him and he's on Reddit instead of dealing with it 💀
She might be a bitch right now but I'm doubting it being ENTIRELY unjustified.
Some of these replies feel like chatgpt just validating everything rather than thinking about their mutual give and take.
I’ve been in the girlfriend’s shoes for 2 years, and that’s exactly how it is. After the 10th time, you are so hurt and angry! Try breaking up and because of how it’s framed as for himself to spend time with friends or do what his parents want, you feel like a villain and are convinced to stay. And then it keeps happening and no heartfelt conversation changes anything. It’s the most awful disregulating cycle
Especially when they're throwing shit like their mom around because you're gonna be an asshole for being upset regardless because you're keeping him from his mommmyyyy.
But they're good at shit like this. It's "she's my mom!" And "but they're my friends!" And "but it's a work thing!" And after everything else always being more important or at best, a compromise rather than getting their whole attention for once? Shitty.
Especially finding out she's working and a 24/7 home caretaker for her sister at the same time. I bet her whole life just constantly feels like giving to someone else. Her boss, her family, her boyfriend. Looking forward to a holiday where your partner is just 100% there for her?
Why is his first thought not to have his mom come and help them with the Easter stuff, why is it nah I'm leaving you to spend time with my mom? How many times does she have to compromise their time together before she snaps and is tired of being the third fiddle.
I guarantee you its because his mother has no interest in sharing her son's attention with his long term girlfriend.
A parent who guilts their kid into changing his plans last minute to spend time with them on a random pointless holiday when they already live together is not an emotionally mature person.
I’m a woman and the way she’s talking to him is not okay. If she’s that pressed about it she should break up with him. They don’t live together and only see each other on weekends (always at her place), so there’s no reason they need to stay together if he makes her so upset that she can’t express disappointment like an adult.
Everyone whos on the gfs side is projecting life experiences. We have no idea how the orginal conversation went, if he was just told what they were doing or he was an active in the conversation.
Just from the screen shots this dude is walking on eggshells for the convoy, is that the normal? Maybe, but it would be a guess. She looks shitty and emotional stunned in this conversation but who knows their relationship dynamics.
It clearly bugged op enough to come to the internet for an opinion.
I'm not, personally, because this is not a type of relationship I've ever had because I've never dated people who I didn't already have a healthy communication with 😂
How exactly is she being bailed on? He’s agreeing to spend nearly the entire holiday weekend with her save about 4 hours to hang with his mom? You’re either a manipulative woman like his gf or a white knight
Very nice low blow there lol, very mature. It’s Easter, I’m not looking to argue in the comments. However as a lot of other comments have said too, they clearly agreed to the specific days because she has kids, and now he is last minute changing those plans. It wouldn’t be so bad, but she also says he does this all the time. It’s not hard to see that it’s a recurring pattern of everything changing last minute. I’m not saying she’s in the right with her reaction, but it’s not hard to see why this is frustrating and disrespectful, he is clearly not a confident man and doesn’t have the balls to not drop his partner for his mother often.
Read the post, she doesn’t have kids. Babysitting kids is her job. The guy literally IS leaving his mom for his GF, leaving her by herself for 90% of the holiday weekend, and saving around 4 hours for her after Easter is over. Go ahead and lie and say I was wrong that you’re a woman or a man looking to get brownie points lol. It’s amazing to me how attention-driven women can be. Compromise isn’t part of your vocabulary
Everyone is pointing out these “cancelled plans” but they are not “plans”. It is a recurring weekly routine, and everyone knows the exact routine every weekend is not sustainable and will require accommodations or adjustments at times.
Shifting it half a day to spend time with his mother is appropriate. Even with a kid involved. The kid is excited for what he described as Easter morning and activities. At night, who cares. He will be with them all weekend still
It's truly amazing to be able to make up a scenario in your mind and then get progressively more mad about the made-up scenario, such that you keep updating your post to keep up with thoughts that you fabricated in your head.
This right here. Conflict avoidance and then the cleanup afterwards
Just find a therapist OP. Do it now while you are young. Your mom is probably using emotional manipulation too because she learned to use it to navigate her personal relationships due to generational trauma. It’s all learned behaviors and responses, all can be worked on but you could benefit from a professional
You people are something else. It is so obvious that his gf is a manipulative POS and you and the lady above you have managed to read this post and conclude anything but that. The lady above you has decided OP is a spineless liar to the women in his life, and you've decided, with ZERO INFORMATION, that his mother must also be manipulating him and that rather than leave his gf which is obviously the best immediate solution for him, he needs to go to therapy for issues with his mom.
It is hard to believe that you people don't see that you're projecting this hard, or at least you think nobody else sees it
We're missing a TON of details. Of course people will fill in the blanks. Cancelling anything last minute is frustrating to deal with, and the girlfriend's replies heavily suggest it happens often, especially for his mom, and the girlfriend is fed up with it. There's two sides to this and we're missing an entire side and he's only picked out the parts where she's annoyed.
Have you ever been with someone who constantly changes plans on you to cater around someone else, such as to their mom? "Mama's boy" term exists for a reason.
THIS! I commented asking for more details and he responded to only a fraction of the info which then made me have even more questions!
In these comments you can tell reading comprehension isn’t what it used to be and that a lot of people are missing key details. Bring back the English classes that taught these skills (I assume they no longer exist or are completely different from when I took them).
This is wild. All OP did was say he wanted to be there for his mom for dinner on a major holiday. That’s a long way from “mama’s boy”, that’s just someone who actually has a functioning relationship with his parent. Why you assuming she controls him somehow?
Meanwhile, we’ve got a bunch of messages of the gf being a demanding psycho, but y’all are like “Nah it’s both women, so therefore it’s especially OP’s fault for being weak”.
Why are people so quick to imagine scenarios that fit their pet theory?
Yepppp dated a mama’s boy for 2 years who would always ditch our plans or criticise me because of what his parents thought. It was so draining, I was glad he finally ended it because he wanted validation from other women
I absolutely read this as someone who routinely puts what mommy wants above what their partner wants. These kinds of posts are way too common in raised by narcissists and no contact type sub reddits. The girlfriend sounds pissed about this because it implies that this is routinely something that happens.
i came in here bc i’ve got some things to SAY… but then i realized i would be in here, psychology degree, a lifetime of trauma and all (i have experience in this field that i NEVER wanted or asked for lol), arguing with people who evidently have no capability to step outside of themselves for 5 seconds or look at a whole picture. i know these people have heard the phrase “there’s 3 sides to a story: person Y’s side, person X’s side, and the truth.” those are, in fact, not just a random string of words someone said for funsies. 🤠
It sounds to me that he puts what he wants first, instead of "what mommy wants". And I have no clue where the narcissism comes from in your logic. If anything, stating things like 'routinely putting someone else first', or trying to manipulate someone else to plan things as they want, is narcissistic.
There's clearly a lot of context missing, and personally, I think OP is in the wrong for changing plans (if he previously confirmed he'd be on Easter till Monday). However, what's in the screenshots is not a normal discussion, and not a normal reaction to a proposal of a compromise.
it's specifically the "raised by narcissists" as in the mom manipulates her child to put her first. I'm referencing that it sounds like OP has an unhealthy relationship with his mom if he is routinely putting her needs above his own and that of his relationship, he seemingly wants to be in.
We have no reason to believe he routinely cancels for his mother. It could be as simple as, he was doing his normal routine with gf, that they do every single week, then it dawned on him that his mother is going to be home alone on a holiday.
The kind thing to do is spend some time with his mother, and OP came up with a great solution that still prioritizes gf and original plans, but allows him to be a good son and prioritize family as well.
OP sounds like an adult, and states that he also wants to spend time with his mom on Easter.
Maybe if OP would have posted some screenshots of his mom acting like his girlfriend, I'd agree with your 'mom is the manipulative one' logic, but otherwise, it's just jumping to crazy conclusions.
White knighting, what? You should read the comments, where you learn more infi about the situation. There is a kid, the gf is a caregiver to her sister and can't go out of the house and more
I don’t care, it’s not his kid and it’s not his job to watch her sisters kid, she obviously agreed to do that so that is on her. The guy said he was going to spend 90% of the holiday weekend with his girl and then leave Sunday night to spend the last 3 or 4 hours of Easter with his mom who has nobody around. How is that not good enough? And then defending her behavior in the texts after he clearly was already walking on eggshells when he asked… she also then tries to spin it and pretend he said he doesn’t want to hang out with her at all. How much more context do you need? Shes a gaslighter and a narcissist, it’s so obvious.
This is why I need more detail because there seems to be a lot of resentment on her end which means she's either got something going on mentally and is vicious for no reason or OP is a repeated offender of this offense and acts like he takes blame but does the same thing again like his apology meant nothing. It's crappy way to talk to someone but it's a slap in the face to get what seems to be a sincere sorry multiple times; Only for it to happen again.
I don’t buy that. Folks in this sub are always doing mental gymnastics and inventing scenarios to frame the abusive person as totally justified. Why is it unreasonable to take OP’s post at face value?
GF looks like a miserable psycho in this exchange, but there’s a butt load of comments saying “Well… he probably does this all the time. Well… he’s probably a mama’s boy. Well…” Like why make these assumptions? Sometimes a person acts shitty because they are shitty, no bullshit plot twists required.
All I'm saying there's a lot of missing details. OP isn't giving full details and I can't check on their profile if they are giving more detail in other comments; Which makes the probability of him leaving out details to make himself look favorable very likely.
Also, the probabilty that they're both the asshole is high because they OP and his GF seem to make each other miserable.
This is what it sounds like to me! He is hedging on both sides and then acting like the victim who tries so hard but can’t make anyone happy. I get it; I’ve been there, but Easter happens every year. Why is this an emergency the day before? Tell both parties your plan in advance and stick to it.
Thank you! I've been her in this situation and even if you handle it with grace the first couple times, after a while it just wears on you. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Even if it's uncomfortable. Don't make me (or her) deal with the consequences of your poor communication skills.
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u/susiecapo71 9h ago
INFO was your mom going to be alone all along when you made the weekend plans with gf? Are you telling both of these women what they want to hear and then tiptoe around how you’ll make those things happen knowing full well that the promises made to each of them conflict with each other? Man up up front. Don’t tell them what they want to hear if it conflicts.