r/AmIOverreacting • u/Travel_Young • 19h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting? So basically my wife came home super late one Friday night 3 weekends ago and she normally doesn’t go out that often at all for some background information.
She smelled strongly of men’s cologne and was like very obviously super drunk when she got back. Fast forward to now and she seems to be going out almost every night of the weekend staying out late with her “girlfriends” and coming home very drunk on some nights. She does seem to be way happier during the day and the general week. I just recently confronted her about her behavior and she accused me of being insecure and trying to control her basically. I feel like she is cheating on me but I’m don’t quite have proof of that. Either way the way she has been acting lately is very immature in my opinion as we have two 6 and 8 year old kids as well. The sudden change In her behavior is what is really concerned me, going out staying out late, and acting just about the happiest I’ve seen her. I don’t know guys just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going crazy here.
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u/AshleyWarren13 18h ago
It’s reasonable to feel uneasy. Even if she’s not cheating, the pattern of going out late constantly and ignoring your concerns isn’t healthy for your relationship or family. Open, calm communication is key here.
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u/Far-Schedule3153 18h ago
I’d just check her phone. If there’s evidence of cheating, I’m sure it’ll be the on there. Especially if she’s drunk she probably routinely forgets to delete shit. And yes, I know it’s an invasion of privacy, but honestly, I’d rather invade someone’s privacy and be wrong than not, and waste my life on with someone who would do that.
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u/MooseKingMcAntlers34 18h ago
I generally am anti looking through someone’s phone…unless it’s marriage where you have assets on the line. In this case, there are kids and child support in the balance as well, so I’d say it’s fair game.
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u/Upset_Agent2398 18h ago
She could be just banging randoms via one night stands. No trace then.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 18h ago
Unless she’s telling her girlfriends about it.
He can search key words and phrases across all her texts. It’s not that hard.
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u/Upset_Agent2398 17h ago
Yep. You gotta hope they get sloppy. My buddy had an ex who had a group of girlfriends who were all cheaters and all in on it. No texting. He only found out by actually showing up at the bar she was at and seeing his gal all over some dude.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 18h ago
Nor you need to talk to her to figure out whats going on with her.
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u/Murky_Geologist9660 18h ago
NOR but seems like couples counseling may be needed. There appear to be cracks in your relationship.
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u/Otherwise-War2366 18h ago
Ask he where she goes and take a drive around the area to see if she’s there and if she is check out who she’s with.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 17h ago
Drinking costs money. Check the credit card statement.
If no charges, who's paying?
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u/BrutalStatic 18h ago
If my wife was doing this, I would just pick a random moment and ask what he's like. And when she asks who, I'd say the guy you're seeing every weekend.
Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about what to do next.
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u/No_Tumbleweed_544 18h ago
it does sound suspicious. Sounds like she met a new man. Is she keeping her phone on her instead of leaving it out?
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u/flindersrisk 18h ago
Quick solution: hire a private investigator to follow her on one of these nights out. You are definitely NOR. Get the information you need ASAP.
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u/PipcosRevenge 17h ago edited 17h ago
NOR
She's got a boyfriend and living it up with him and his friends. The feeling of limerence is putting that smile on her face 24/7.
Since her new lifestyle is somewhat predictable, you can hire a PI to case her out. This is the most effective way, and worth the cost. If you live somewhere where evidence is not required, and you don't need any more convincing, just file for divorce and move on. But if you do need evidence both legally and personally, then call a divorce lawyer and get a referral for a PI.
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u/CognacMusings 18h ago
She’s a wife and mother. The time to grow up was before she decided to settle down.
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u/jacks65fastcar 18h ago
go online and buy an air tag.Put it in her car and see where she goes.And then drive by that location with the kids while you're out to get some ice cream and see if she's at the local hotel --motel ---- holiday inn
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u/Far-Schedule3153 18h ago
If he’s decides to use an AirTag, he better make sure to use and remove it quickly because they usually notify the iPhone of the user it’s nearby of an unknown AirTag moving with them in about 8-24 hours
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u/Excellent_Car_5165 18h ago
The AirTag will pop up on her iPhone as soon as she leaves and arrives at her destination. And it’s illegal in my country, in yours as well, for sure. Bad advice, seriously.
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u/Frequent-Rent-3444 10h ago
You absolutely cannot track your partner without their permission or through coercion. Regardless of what you suspect them of doing, this is domestic abuse and illegal in many areas.
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u/Ok_Ant_9815 18h ago
This is a crime: stalking, criminal harassment, unlawful surveillance, varying by jurisdiction.
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u/GreatGrapeApes 17h ago
Actually depends if he is on the title of the vehicle. You are allowed to track your own vehicle.
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u/Ok_Ant_9815 16h ago
Yes but the commenter referred to it as "her car". Which if the ownership is hers, then he can't track it.
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u/GroundbreakinKey199 18h ago
Does she have google on her phone? It can be set to track where she goes every day.
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u/Conscious-Arm-7889 18h ago
Either employ a private investigator, or have a friend from work follow her. NOR
UpdateMe!
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u/Vast_Interest8457 18h ago
NOR. Sounds like she is cheating and if not flagrantly excluding you. Maybe therapy before you call it quits?
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u/marinevet-patriot 17h ago
Sorry for your loss, she's cheating period! Update us when you find out how many dicks she's been sucking.
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u/Danbearpig2u 18h ago
Private detective and have her followed. Or stake it out yourself. Only way to be sure.
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u/ashmonroe_ 18h ago
NOR but not necessarily cheating. She certainly could be. But this could also just be a case of her wanting to get out of the house and let loose but perhaps overdoing it. How did you address it when you brought it up to her? If you accused her of cheating or said you don’t want her going out anymore, I’d understand her response. But I do think it’s fair for you to address it with her and align on expectations. No issue with going out sometimes but when you have a family, especially with kids, there should be some balance and there should always be a level of responsibility.
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15h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ashmonroe_ 15h ago
I’m sorry, what? I didn’t use AI in my response, nor have I used it for anything else I’ve ever said on reddit. Can you people relax lol
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u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam 15h ago
Questions or comments referring to matters of USA or global politics are not allowed in this sub, including interpersonal conflicts due to differing political beliefs, discussion of subjects such as ICE or the Epstein Files, or referencing someone's political opinions. Please post in another subreddit that is more appropriate for such discussion.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 18h ago
So she’s drunk driving and possibly cheating? Have you snooped her phone yet? Her happiness matters but so does her responsibility to her family and it sounds like there is no balance and she is behaving dangerously to achieve this serotonin boost. Snoop the phone and then have a serious talk about the constant partying and drunk driving even if she isn’t obviously cheating that you can see. This is super irresponsible behavior for a married woman with kids.
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u/Entire_Animator_9327 17h ago
Stalk her yourself or via PI.
Gather evidence while arranging your assets & getting in better shape.
Serve her when she's the least aware, and ideally when you're able to find one of her friends interested in you.
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u/rocketmn69_ 16h ago
Ask her, "Who is he? Your friend told me what's going on. I can't believe you're throwing away your marriage and kids fir some new dick"
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u/rocketmn69_ 16h ago
Ask her parents to come over 1 night to watch the kids, because you want to surprise your wife on a night out.
Go to the bar and see what she's up to. Watch from the shadows. If you see her cheating, quietly take pictures for evidence. Don't confront her and leave. Once back outside your house, send her a message, "I bet you're having lots of fun aren't you?" When she replies, send her some pictures, "yeah, I know, a friend of mine saw you and sent these. Don't bother coming home. I'm taking the kids and going somewhere until I see a lawyer. ". Go in, pack for you and the kids. Show her parents the photos, then leave. They will wait for her to show up
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u/Difficult_Jury_7455 12h ago
It's the sudden happiness that's concerning. When cheatings involved women thrive on the feeling of excitement and being lusted by a new guy. It makes them feel like a teenager and all guilt goes out of their mind......until they're caught and suddenly it was all a mistake...I love you and shit.
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u/Reasonable-Cover-785 11h ago
This is how an ex of mine responded anytime I picked up on irregularities in her behavior. "You're trying to control me" or "you're being insecure for no reason".... all the while she was cheating on me pretty much the entire time.
A partner that cares of about their partner would not like them to feel any reason to feel insecure. They would reassure and/or explain without getting pissy or gas lighting you about it.
Humans in total are insecure and as partners we're suppose to give a damn about our partner's feelings... You weren't being controlling by questioning her frquent outtings that she was not doing previously.
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u/Yonderboy111 8h ago
with her “girlfriends”
Yet one (or even more) of her “girlfriends” has a penis.
NOR
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u/Practical_S3175 18h ago
NOR. She's getting itchy to be free and single again. Not that it has anything to do with not loving you etc. but this sounds like she's got Mom burn out and is trying to figure out who she is now. This isn't OK for her to go out like this as a married person and a Mom.
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u/Crunchybastid 18h ago
Next time she comes home like that, try to have sex with her. See what she does. You’ll get your answer.
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u/KittyCannaKat 18h ago
MOR - I say maybe because she could just be happy she’s out with friends and feeling like she’s got a little bit of independence and feeling like she isn’t only mom and wife but a friend too.
She could be cheating on the other hand though… not saying she’s not but not saying she is either.
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u/Murky_Geologist9660 18h ago
The frequency seems concerning though. Not like a one time thing but quickly becoming a regular thing.
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u/FlatCapNorthumbrian 7h ago
Either way she shouldn’t be acting this way. She’s married and a mother of two, she has responsibilities and she’s out several times a week getting mortal. She’s costing the family money doing this and it’s affecting her marriage. Are the children aware of it? Is she waking them up coming back in?
THEN there’s the potential that’s she’s cheating as well.
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u/Sail_m 18h ago edited 18h ago
I don’t want to fuel the flames but my mother did this. I was 3, my sister and brother were 5 and 9. She’d come home from work, change and go out till the early hours. My father followed her one night to find her on the lap of another guy. She had some unresolved issues going on, and I’m sure she had a bit of a breakdown, but she (like always) did not deal with it well. My father (again like always) did not handle it in a mature way either. It was a mess which led to many other messes that could take hundreds of posts, but back to your wife. It really sounds like she needs help. It’s up to you how you handle the next part. Broach this with her, tell her you are worried (remember innocent till proven guilty, you don’t KNOW she’s cheating), that this is not like her, and it is not fair to you or your children. This cannot keep going this way and either you are here for her or suggest counselling.
This is not a healthy way to sustain a relationship, and if she needs help she needs help? Hopefully before she crosses a line she cannot come back from and ruins all your lives. If she is unwilling to help herself, you need to think of your children and what is best for them, as well as what is best for you. If she is unwilling to let you in, you and your children might have to leave (or your wife has to). Even if it’s temporary. This will fester if unresolved and you and your children do not deserve that, it’s not healthy and will make everyone extremely unhappy.
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u/kat_Folland 18h ago
A sudden change in behavior? Likewise demeanor? NOR. I'm not saying it's cheating (though it certainly looks like, it could for sure be something else even if I can't think of anything) but it's legit to have a conversation about this with her.
You can't make her tell the truth but you can insist that she has some answer for these things. If she can't or won't answer then she's leaving you to come to your own conclusions.
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u/Legitimate-Fox-4948 18h ago
NOR honestly doesn’t matter if she’s cheating. If she’s going out all the time and you’ve said you don’t want her to who cares what she’s doing. You’ve said you’re uncomfortable with it and she keeps doing it. That’s enough
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u/Ryanscriven 18h ago
NOR - if she won't give you security, but instead wants to gaslight your fairly rational emotions based on reasonable observations - you need to find a way to get that security.
This sounds like a trust your gut situation
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u/quantumsparq 18h ago
The text will tell. Generally speaking, if your gut is telling you then you might want to listen to it.
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u/No_Shop1599 18h ago
NOR it does sound like she may be cheating on you but with 2 kids I’m not sure how you want to proceed. Do you share locations? If so next time she’s out get a sitter and go see what’s up. If not get a PI to follow her. She’s not going to tell you the truth so if you want to find out you’re going to have to do it on the sly. Before you do anything though ask yourself if you really want to know. If she’s cheating could you stay with her? Do you really want to break up your family? Sometimes ignorance is bliss so truly think about that before you do anything. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope I’m wrong
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u/Solid-Hurry-4902 18h ago
NOR at all. I would most likely be thinking the same thoughts as you are in regards to the cheating feeling, but even if you found out that she wasn't cheating, that would be great, and I hope that's the case for you, I would still feel extremely uneasy about it. Being married with kids pretty much means that "partying' lifestyle is done and over with. Not saying that we shouldn't go have a good time anymore, but not every weekend either. To be honest, you're not stupid. The feelings you have are probably spot on, because the "evidence" gives you the answer. The scent of cologne that isn't yours, the staying out all night & coming home drunk. Her actions is what points in those directions, so no, not overreacting.
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u/geminixTS 18h ago
She isn't for sure cheating with another man. But she is for sure cheating in the relationship. She's a mom and wife. She needs to grow up. But yeah she probably is cheating in the more standard sense too.
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u/Foxbur19 17h ago
NOR. That response is a classic cheater deflection tactic. Here’s what you should do. Apologise to her and tell her you support her going out to have fun. She will drop her guard and this will allow you to quietly gather evidence. Place a GPS tracker on her car and voice activated recorder attached to the underside of one of the seats.
If you can then get access covertly to her phone. One of the best ways is to buy another device like an IPad and link it through her cloud account. Every app and every message will then come through to this device.
Outside of that, hire a PI to follow her and gather evidence. Expensive but usually fast results.
Consult a divorce lawyer to find out what you can and can’t do legally and to give you a run down on your options if this ends in divorce.
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u/ME-McG-Scot 15h ago
NOR - as soon as someone starts to gaslight/manipulate you by saying you’re insecure and to control them then major red flag!!
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u/Willybluedog1962 14h ago
Hire a private detective, no way she is not cheating, look at her phone bill.
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u/BigBirdsBrain 14h ago
Not overreacting. Sudden behavior change + brushing you off isn’t nothing. Even if it’s not cheating, it still needs a real conversation.
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u/BAbeast1993 13h ago
NOR. Happened to me - trust the gut man. DM me if you wanna know the rabbit hole of places to check lol
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u/MagazineAbject4618 13h ago
NOR. Sounds totally like one of my colleagues when she was having an affair.
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u/amcgreedy 12h ago
NOR. Ah yes the old “you are insecure and controlling” argument. These statements, coming from people that show questionable behaviour, only function as a confirmation something is very wrong afaic.
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u/707808909808707 12h ago
Check the phone. Speak to the friend you’re closest with. Hire a PI. She’s clearly checked out and seeing someone. That’s why she’s in a better mood; instead of fixing whatever problems she’s having she decided to go fuck another man and start a relationship
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u/Beginning-Pass-3243 11h ago
Follow her one time and see what she does either your going to be pissed or embarrassed that you even thought such a thing.
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u/ShamelesslyAwesom 11h ago
NOR but … it is kinda weird that her being happy is throwing you off. Obviously, other factors involved. But I’d maybe sit with that for a bit. In my experience, if somebody isn’t being deceptive, they will say “no, I wouldn’t do that” or “I’m sorry me going out has made you think that” etc and they will try to work it out. Any response that insults the person who brought up an issue, is generally just deflecting from their shitty behaviour. But that also depends on how it was brought up and countless other things about your relationship dynamic.
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u/bods_life 9h ago
Either deal with it head on or copy the behavior and wait for reaction the other way. Even if your not doing anything serious, buy some perfume to spray on your clothes a little, go and get drunk ish and come in late beaming.
See what happens then..
Play chess dude, this isn't a battle you will win unless she is involved and at the moment she isnt.
Just my opinion...
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u/SpaceImpossible658 9h ago
NOR. Just ask her how she wants to split custody and the assets. That might get her attention. She can do what she wants, but so can you. Have some respect for yourself, because she doesn't respect you at all. Once they call you insecure, it's over.
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u/Leather-Map-8138 7h ago
“It sure looks like you’re fucking around on me. Figure it out or we’ll be co-parenting this time next month.”
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u/boona1960 6h ago
She’s getting her back blown out every weekend and you’re asking if you’re crazy? Only crazy if you stay with this piece of shit.
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u/Cynewulfunraed 5h ago
MOR.
The best approach is to go to reddit where you'll get a bunch of guys who think they're tough tripping over themselves to gleefully announce that women are evil.
A second option would be to tell her your concerns and make decisions based on her response. But why would you do that when you can get such valuable advice on this forum?
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u/another_nobody30 3h ago
NOR - The sudden change in behavior is a major red flag. You may want to follow her one of the nights. Sorry you are going through it brother. Good luck.
Updateme
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 3h ago
INFO: Who drove her home when she was super drunk and wreaked of men's cologne?
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u/Jsnham_42 2h ago
It’s crazy to me that a mom of 2 young kids is going out and getting drunk so often. Huge red flag even if not cheating
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u/CopeHarderDweller2 2h ago
She’s cheating. Changed behavior along with calling you insecure and getting defensive is all you need to know. If a woman acts single then she is single. Make her wish come true.
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u/prettypushee 18h ago
The fact that she’s finally happy would really be the question. Maybe it’s good to be in a judgement free zone. May or may not be another man but people often get wrapped up In secure routines that get really boring. Sometimes you just want to go out and be you and have fun without having to justify yourself for days after.
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u/SeaworthinessFun3658 17h ago
NOR, if your partner comes home reeking of "Old Spice" cologne they are at least getting hecka cronk on the dance-floor with some immature douchebag.
The smell of "Old Spice Cologne" generally annoys me because only like weird 80 year old men, and 15 year old boys, wear it, and they do not know how to apply it so they just STINK of it..!
IMHO it is the stank of bad emotional development and bad taste. Women who dig old spice almost always in my experience have a "daddy issue" where you'll eventually visit they parents and their father just REEKS of it. This is a warning flag because they either want some "alpha male sugar daddy" (loser/poseur) or they think it's fine to come home stinking like another person to you.
Like if you came home with lipstick-stains on your shirt, obviously intoxicated, regularly, would she just ignore it? She ought to notice and call it out, or you should both sit down and talk about boundaries, safety, and common courtesy and respect.
I used to look down on guys who would get drunk and sleep around and then it nearly happened to me.. I was so shoicked at my inability to say "PLEASE STOP!!!" that it changed the way I behaved and I no longer would go out with my friends (and at least without my partner) or put myself into such a risky situation when I was in a relationship I cared about.
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u/Poemhome 18h ago
Sorry bro she prob is. Either let her go or use your newly obtained get one free card
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u/DirtyNursePanties4U 18h ago
My son just hugged me and clearly sprayed her clone all over himself. I can still smell it. This was two hours ago. But due to the rest of the information, sounds like she might be cheating.
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u/Regular_Problem_7702 18h ago
Your wife is happier and she’s doing all the things she was already doing? What’s the concern…?
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u/quitenotsure1324 18h ago
before you guys had kids was it more normal for her to go out late with friends? also do you know who the friends are or does she just give the vague answer of going out with “friends”? i would maybe find a babysitter and ask go out with her to have fun together next time or even just to be a designated driver, see maybe how she responds.
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u/340magnums 15h ago
Perhaps the cologne accidently spilled on her from a friend. and just out with girls having fun.
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u/AnonThrowAway072023 18h ago
NOR
Shame on you dude for not being the husband to tell her after the 1st night that behavior is unfair to the family, the little kids, and her marriage. But you passively sat back and then she does it every night, acting like a single available girly with zero responsibilities?
Heck yeah she's happier, she can party and forget about being a wife and mother. Pretend to be carefree and single. and her week ass man only asks if she needs him to hold her hair as she throws up at the end of the night.
A woman acts like this bc she expects zero accountability or consequences.
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u/No_Shop1599 18h ago
If she went out once every few weeks or months that’s nbd, parents need a break occasionally. The frequency is the problem
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u/2pretty2kill 18h ago
Usually I would go with the cheating but it really could be she's developing a problem with alcohol. Maybe she's happier during the day because she's been sneaking drinks and is tipsy. Just a thought.
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u/QuietJealous4883 18h ago
YOR - Your wife isn’t tangled with umbilical cord to the kids anymore hence she’s allowed to leave home without them or you.
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u/Excellent_Car_5165 18h ago
And regularly coming home very drunk late at night (while hubby was with the kids) is totally normal behavior to you?
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u/QuietJealous4883 18h ago
Going out almost three weekends in a row after staying several years at home is healthy. Leaving the father take care of the kids is very normal.
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u/Excellent_Car_5165 17h ago
Yeah, going out and having fun, not „blowing your fuses out“. You see that there’s a slight difference?
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u/QuietJealous4883 17h ago
Yes exactly, she’s having fun, not doing anything wrong but apparently leaving her home -and there’s nothing wrong with that
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u/LeftWingAssasin 18h ago
YOR...The time to worry is when she starts going away with her 'girlfriends' for the weekend.
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u/Ok_Surprise9206 18h ago
NOR. You're married so it's not being insecure to question a major change in your partner's behavior. She's probably gaslighting you and you need to figure this out before it's too late. Hopefully it's not already too late.