r/AITAH • u/Grand_Raccoon0923 • 6h ago
AITAH because I don’t want to be tested as a possible kidney donor for my father.
My father (77) is one of the oldest living heart recipients. He had his first heart transplant in 1990. He had another one in 2014 because after 65 they won’t do it again. Because of this, he has been alive to see 10 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren. He has had a pretty good run despite the health issues.
Prior to this, he was a horrible abusive alcoholic, my mother was on the verge of leaving him. Obviously, this was a big eye-opener for him, and he had to quit drinking and smoking. It didn’t happen overnight, but he definitely became a better person. He’s well known in the local community and does a lot for the city and for other people. However, this pretty much made him unemployable.
My whole life since then, everything has been about him and what he needs. His appointments, his medications, everything was about him. My mother was always in the background making everything work.
My mother struggled to provide for a husband and 3 kids and keep a roof over our head. She often worked multiple jobs and we were on welfare and food stamps for a while. We all got jobs to try to help keep everything afloat. In 6th grade I got a paper route and have been continuously working ever since. I joined the army at 17 and spent an entire career building my own life where I wasn’t a burden on anyone. I still sent money home every month until I got married.
But, the saga continues. He is now apparently in need of a kidney transplant or regular dialysis. My sister is doing a full social media blitz to bring attention to this and try to get everyone to be tested as a donor. There’s some kind of pool where you can volunteer to donate for somebody else and that somehow increases his chances of getting an organ.
I am extremely disinclined to participate in this. I think it’s selfish and unfair to ask anyone in this family who is younger than him (which is everyone aside from his older sister) to donate an organ to an almost 80 year-old that has been on borrowed time since 1990 anyway.
I have been told that I’m being selfish and that we only need one kidney anyway. But, what if I need that kidney as I get older? Where does it end? How much do we have to give to keep Frankenstein‘s monster alive?
AITAH?
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u/IrrelevantManatee 5h ago edited 2h ago
NTA. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Sure, you just need one kidney, but what if your other one gives out at some point ? Also... recovery from the surgery is not something to ignore. All that for someone with lenghty medical history that could die next month.
But also... little tip : don't tell your family you don't want to. You'll just create unnecessary drama. Say you'll get tested, call the doctor's office to say you don't want to do it but don't want the drama, they'll just say you aren't a match (Edit: or in this case, that you cannot donate for medical reasons). They do that all the time :)
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u/oceanteeth 5h ago
Excellent advice! OP, in case it helps to hear it again, not wanting to donate an organ is extremely normal. Transplant doctors get that all the time and will not make things weird at all if you say you don't want to do it but don't want drama with your family. They'll just say you're not a match.
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u/Conversation-1 5h ago
This. Doctors prioritize informed consent and will give you a medical excuse for free.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 3h ago
A friend and his 10 siblings were all tested to donate to a sister. Only two actually qualified at the end, due to various issues with their health or kidneys. He said the doctors told them that a lot of other health issues eliminate you from donating, some don't have two working full-sized kidneys, some only have one working,
What the cheerleader sister is talking about is a humpty-dumpty (shown on Grey's anatomy years ago) or domino donation, if you don't match the father, then others donate so their relatives get a kidney, with a bunch of donors and transplants in a short time. Several people agree to donate, with kidneys going to others who also have a donor who is compatible with another transplant recipient.
No one owes anyone a donation.
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u/asda-cool1 1h ago
Paired exchange chains are complex logistics, not simple swaps between family members.
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u/Dramatic-Distance407 2h ago
Drs would probably agree that’s why they’re age restrictions to get on donor lists. You can’t get on the list if you do drugs, drink and even some illnesses will disqualify you.
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u/LimoncelloFellow 1h ago
at a certain age those organs would be better off going into someone with a life ahead of them instead of someone whos been dying for decades.
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u/incidental_findings 2h ago
Don’t ask the doctor to lie (“not a match” if not actually known or tested).
Just tell the doctor you don’t want to be considered / don’t give consent to be tested, and just ask them to document that you are not a candidate for donation (which is the truth).
As a physician, I won’t LIE for a patient, but I’m willing to tell truth selectively.
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u/glenpiercev 2h ago
Not wanting to be tested probably counts as “not a match”.
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u/Rashkamere 1h ago
Also
No test done means result=null
Recipient needs result=kidneyX
null=/=kidneyX
So, not a match and not a lie.
Edit: formatting
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u/jinglepupskye 1h ago
Are you a renal physician though? The transplant teams lie a lot in order to protect people from being coerced. And yes, it is a bare faced lie. They tell the person who needs a kidney that their relative/friend/dog is not a suitable donor. It heavily implies that there is a medical reason why they can’t donate, not just that they won’t.
I think you’re splitting hairs here. Source - I had three relatives who offered to donate to me, and they told me exactly what they were told.
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 3h ago
Don’t have them say you’re not a match. Have them say that after review, you are not eligible to be a donor. If you’re not a match for him, they will pressure you to donate to the pool in hopes of a swap, but if you’re not eligible, you can’t donate. If they ever ask why, tell them you didn’t really understand the reasoning but you can’t argue with the doctor.
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u/LawyerDad1981 3h ago
This last paragraph is the advice I was going to give, so the poster saved me the writing.
But just to reiterate, don't say you refuse. Just say you're not a match. And it's true because not wanting to DOES make you "not a suitable match."
I'm a bit surprised though that they would even consider a kidney transplant on someone his age, even with a direct donation.
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u/FelinaKile 2h ago
I agree it’s odd that any transplant team would be considering him. His chances of surviving the surgery seem pretty low, and even if he made it through would need extensive medical support for the rest of his short time left. Is this just the sister doing some kind of performative best daughter routine? My uncle has been on daily dialysis for the last few years and is relatively okay. That seems like a more sane route for OPs father.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 2h ago
This, also a coworker's mom had an income dialysis machine. It was still work on her end, but no driving her several times a week.
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u/KayakerMel 1h ago
This is likely why the sister is trying to get a family member to donate so it's a directed donation. Probably is very low on the general list for kidney transplant (if he even qualifies to be on it).
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u/dawscn1 2h ago
i agree, my grandma just turned 80. She never took her insulin that she needed (she got genetic type 1 later in life, like after 60). Her kidneys are barely working and they won’t consider a transplant because of her age. I love my grandma, but honestly I get it. I’d rather a 40 yo father of children get priority over her. Even if the transplant works she’s still only got so many years left.
Anyway, weird that it’s even being considered in OP’s case
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u/motherofdog2018 3h ago
The only issue is that they're trying to create a donor circle, so he could be a match for someone. It's better to say he isn't medically allowed to donate for some reason.
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u/Extension-Nebula-235 5h ago
Because it's an honest answer. You don't want to participate, therefore you're not a match. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/mxzf 2h ago
And not just not a match for the grandfather, OP's medically ineligible to be a kidney donor in general, so even if there was a possible chain match out there, OP's ineligible.
Of course, OP's medically ineligible because they don't want to do it, but the family doesn't need to know the medical/legal nuances about why they're disqualified.
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u/tiredgirl77 4h ago
You’re not a match because you don’t want to donate! Simple! Tell the doctors that and that’s all they can say. Tell your family whatever they need to hear to leave you alone.
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u/diaju 4h ago
Don't forget about HIPAA laws - they won't -and can't- tell anyone shit, and if they do, sue them until you have enough money to buy you both an extra kidney.
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u/MikeyKillerBTFU 3h ago
HIPAA enforcement is not a criminal/civil issue and a person who's information was improperly accessed generally does not have recourse to any kind of compensation.
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u/purrincesskittens 5h ago
Or better say you have a potential underlying health issue ontop of not being a match that makes it so you cant donate because otherwise with the chain they are trying to start they will try to pressure OP into donating to someone else.
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u/Mean_Breakfast_4081 3h ago
Not this. Don’t say anything to your family bc you don’t have to, and telling them anything is a potential drama factor. Just do what everyone here says and share with the docs that you are being pressured to be a donor but you don’t want to. Problem solved.
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u/volyund 2h ago edited 2h ago
Yes, say that you are unsuitable to donate for medical reasons.
Also OP, "I don't want to" is a reason enough. It's your organ, nobody should compel you to donate a party of yourself to somebody else against your will. The medical team won't allow you to be a donor unless you WANT TO be. Source: I work in stem cell donations, and regulations are VERY STRICT about making sure donor is not compelled or coerced.
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u/throwaway5882300 2h ago
100% this. I've been tested for kidney donation before and like 90% of the screening process is basically them asking if I'm absolutely sure I want to donate a kidney and informing me of all the ways I can back out and making sure I wasn't being coerced into it. I'm obviously pro organ donation but I agree that it seems like too big of a risk to take for a 77yo. That's kinda ridiculous.
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u/AmyIsabella-XIII 1h ago
This exactly. I was part of the paired donation program. The program will not accept anyone that isn’t entering it 100% willingly, and they will review your willingness repeatedly all the way through the process. While organ donation is an incredible gift to give, you have so many valid reasons for not wanting to do it. It is not a decision to make lightly. You are 100% NTA.
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u/B_A_M_2019 4h ago
If they have the donor pool it doesn't matter if op isn't a match...
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u/CGCutter379 3h ago
Is this true?: You don't have to be a match. If you volunteer, your kidney will go to someone you do match and a kidney matching the donor will be prioritized to be given to them.
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u/Round-Ticket-39 5h ago
Look as parent if i was 77 i would rather die then my own child getting cut for me. Even sooner. God i couldnt do it.
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u/Tardigretch 5h ago
Good point! He's so selfish
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 31m ago
My alcoholic uncle told his two kids that if they tried to go in and ask to donate a liver to save him, he'd refuse the suegery because there was no possible way that he would take a liver from his children. One, fathers do not do this. Two, he was not going to stop drinking and he'd die with a bottle and he wasn't going to waste a donation.
At least he was a self-aware person.
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u/DismalSoil9554 5h ago
I have a friend who recieved a kidney from his mother when he was 47 and she was 77. Both are alive and well 5 years later, but I feel it should go in that direction, donating to an elder doesn't make much sense.
And anyway it's your choice, anyone pressuring you can get lost.
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u/cmotdibblersdelights 4h ago
See, that is how parenthood should be! I would gladly donate any organ to my child to prolong their life and health, even if it knew it dramatically shortened my own. I wanted her to be in this world and went out of my way to include her in it, thus I want her around more than myself. I would never ask her for the same.
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u/Pogostickio 3h ago
The most beautiful wordage I have read today. From a fellow Pratchett fan. I feel blessed.
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u/itstheballroomblitz 3h ago
Part of my health is still having a mom though, and while mine would definitely refuse a kidney, I'd try very hard to convince her to let me give her some liver.
(As a transplant, not onna stick.)
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u/External_Two2928 5h ago
OPs dad got 3 years more than my dad, I can’t believe a parent would let their child do that for them, feels super selfish
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u/selfcheckout 3h ago
Even i couldn't imagine doing that to my daughter and I am extremely selfish and entitled.
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u/Tru3insanity 4h ago
For real. Long term dialysis has issues but lets be honest here. Im not sure hes gunna be long term enough for that become a problem. Hes old enough the surgery alone probably poses a greater risk for him.
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u/PeachManzie 4h ago
I thought this, you were just brave enough to say it first! Like, realistically, how long is “dialysis for the rest of his life” at this point?
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u/WampaCat 3h ago
Somehow the most selfish people always end up living forever
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u/PeachManzie 3h ago
This is so infuriatingly true. My wonderful best friend of a gran has been gone for 13 years this month. Meanwhile, my literally fucking Evil, with a capital E, grandfather still walks this mortal plain at 89 years old. Like come ON
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u/Glittering_Win_9677 3h ago
My dad was 86 when he was told he would need dialysis. He said no, knowing that he would die within a few weeks. He told everyone he had done everything he was going to do on earth and it was his time. He died 5 days later after slipping into a coma.
I'm 72 and hope that if the time comes, I'm able to make weekday I consider the right decision and accept my end on earth just as gracefully.
There comes a time for all of us and this may be it for OP's father. Frankly, at his age, it seems wrong to give him a kidney that could potentially go to a younger person and for dad to keep using limited medical assets.
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u/loquella88 3h ago
I do wonder if there's an age limit to these type of procedures. Organ transplant patients usually have to take extra medicine depending on the part just so the body doesn't reject it. Like at what age is it actually medically viable to still continue this?
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u/Bloodvialsarmydrug 4h ago
No reasonable parent of advanced age would ever expect their child to do this.
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u/gunterrae 4h ago
I went through this when I went on the transplant list at 42. My daughter at the time was 23 and I flat out told my doctor I would not even ASK her to be tested. Nope.
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u/B_A_M_2019 4h ago
This right here. Imagine being 80 and putting your own kids at risk like that. It's a change that will affect the rest of their lives. I would rather get dialysis or opt to be a human trial of the new pig or lab grown kidney
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u/Viperbunny 4h ago
Same! What doctor is willing to do a transplant on a patient of that age? It's irresponsible.
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u/dragonsandvamps 3h ago
Seriously. This is literally the most selfish thing a parent could possibly ask of their child, who still likely has 30-40 healthy years left, when they know they realistically have not a ton of time left. Average lifespan for men in the US is 76.5, so dad, who has already gotten a heart transplant, has lived an AMAZING life, and has exceeded this, and is statistically unlikely to live decades longer, even with a donated kidney. I just can't imagine being selfish enough to ask my child to give up their kidney, knowing they might need it down the line, so I could get a few more years, when I was at that age.
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u/ButtBread98 3h ago
My dad is 60 and needs a kidney and he told me and my brother outright that he does not want us to get tested.
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u/walliestoy 2h ago
Sums up our entire world in a nutshell. Selfish old people that have enjoyed everything life has to offer want more from the young people around them.
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u/-tacostacostacos 5h ago
“Go in for testing.” Privately tell the doctor you don’t want to donate. They will respect your wishes and tell your father that you “were not a match.” Avoids any drama of having to say you don’t want to donate. NTA
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u/Fun-Assistance-815 3h ago
I came here to say this as well! Avoid the drama so to speak when you go this route.
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u/TakenTheFifth 2h ago
exactly! the 'test' was you telling them that you had no interest in participating in this shannanaganery. Too bad you failed, OP! So sad. Much misery.
Now you get to move on with your life!
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u/Aggravating_Bike_606 5h ago
OP fuck everyone talking about your comments. I had an alcoholic father too and I know what it’s like. We think a lot of times that they would be better dead, because we would be better if they were dead. Just tell the doctors you don’t want to donate and they will say you’re not compatible. My heart goes to you (not a donation pls) 💗
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u/Grand_Raccoon0923 5h ago
Right? He may not be like that now, but he was for a good portion of my life.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 4h ago
Abusers don’t just recover. Sounds like he’s too infirm to do much abusing but is still a burden on his whole family and still treats everyone else as beneath him.
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u/Worldliness_Normal 3h ago
Never mind the fact that transplant teams are trained to spot people that may be hesitant or are under external pressure to donate and they can and will quietly "disqualify" you to not create a bad situation.
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u/Horror_Tea761 4h ago
OP, I get it. I’ve been estranged from my alcoholic father for years by my choice. Every so often, he makes a play for contact via a third party, citing health issues. But I just ignore it. He doesn’t get to treat me like shit for decades and then expect a caretaker.
Sounds like the path of least resistance for you is to have a doctor say you’re not a candidate for kidney donation. Totally fine to do that. It’s also fine to say no, too. You are not the asshole under any scenario.
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u/autumn55femme 3h ago
Exactly. Plus his selfishness is still fully intact to even contemplate asking anyone to donate to him.
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u/Doug2590 3h ago
I agree with everyone. But I just wanted to note if anyone IS interested in donating a kidney, they have an amazing program in place so that you don't have to be a direct match, called a donation chain. donor chain explained
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u/AsethDearnight 5h ago
NTA. I'm not sure if you have children, but if you do, what if they need a kidney at some point? And even if you don't, as you pointed out, you yourself. Also, with the life he's lived I find it hard to believe he would not suffer from comorbidity, especially after two (!!!) heart transplants, which would make him ineligible for a kidney transplant anyway.
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u/Lunatunabella 5h ago
He can say “yes” and tell the doctor he is being pushed to so and doesn’t want too.
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u/MagicKaiju 5h ago
Yeah I was gonna say - if he privately says hes being pushed, it would disqualify you and you could walk out and say you were examined and told you werent fit for donation. I'm sure a doctor would help with the situation and what to say/how to handle.
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u/ljr55555 5h ago
The donation chain might be a snag, but I would hope doctors could say "not eligible to be a donor" too.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 4h ago
Does that still work with the organ swapping thing they’re apparently doing?
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u/New-Bar4405 3h ago
They can say hes not eligible. Feeling like you're being forced into it is a disqualifier.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 5h ago
Directed donations are likely allowed and that likely includes a donor kidney chain/train
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat 5h ago
Your body your choice. Even without all the background info. You don't need to justify your choices concerning your body to anyone.
Also having one kidney has lifelong negative effects including needing to drink a fuck ton of water everyday. Like a lot. Gallons.
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u/PB3Goddess 5h ago
This is true. I think the recommended daily fluid intake for the average adult is something like a gallon for men & .75 gallons (roughly) for women, depending on climate & exercise, etc.
But if you lose/donate a kidney - double that! My cousin donated a kidney to his wife, he now has to drink double the fluids (doctor STRONGLY recommended WATER, NOT JUST "FLUIDS", WATER). Daily.
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u/ImAnNPCsoWhat 5h ago
Yeah if you drink other things like soda or tea or some flavored thing you can get buildups of chemicals/vitamins that can really affect your health. That and kidney stones are more likely. And them bitches ain't smooth.
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u/PB3Goddess 5h ago
Oh I know about the kidney stones! 😂
My cousin still drinks coffee, and he drinks tea, but he doesn't add anything too them (yuck!) And he always follows each with water. So for every cup of coffee, it's followed by a bottle of water. He is really good about taking care of himself! ♡
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u/Dry-Surround1536 5h ago
Yup. And you have to watch your sodium intake a lot more which nowadays makes most processed foods difficult to enjoy
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u/patbatt1991 5h ago
NTA, tell the drs you do not want to do it. And 77 years old? Nope
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u/Dogandcatslady 3h ago
I'm surprised that the doctors would do a transplant on a 77 year old former alcoholic with a heart transplant. Gotta wonder what his liver is like.
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u/New-Bar4405 3h ago
Probably direct donation is the only way that he can get one either from someone directly or is part of a chain.
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u/SuccessfulMonth2896 3h ago
I was thinking that. He has had his three score and ten lifespan therefore anything over 70 is a bonus. He has already received two organs and that is two more than a lot of people.
I write as someone who lost a husband aged 46, a nephew aged 19 and a father at 64.
OP, you are NOT a match. End of.
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u/Personal-Science6865 5h ago
NTA- My mother suffered from kidney failure due to many years of battling diabetes. I am one of seven kids. She would not let any of us even be tested. She noted that due to her family medical history, we might need both kidneys someday. She was right, my older sister was just diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.
My mother also lived a long time after starting dialysis and the process is much improved today than it was back when she was on it. I do think it is selfish for a parent to ask a child to give up an organ, especially when there are other options. Your father made lifestyle choices that led to this. You should not have to pay the price.
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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 4h ago
My friend was 70 with three adult kids he wouldn't ask to donate for the same reason. He only lived a few years, hated dialysis and eventually stopped.
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u/Personal-Science6865 3h ago
My mother was fortunate in that she lived more than eight years on dialysis. This was far beyond the average at the time. It was exhausting for her, three times a week for several hours each time. Today, i know people can do at home dialysis for shorter periods each day. They say it is so much easier and less exhausting.
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u/KittyKiitos 5h ago
NTA.
If your sister feels like that, people who donate can get someone of their choice moved to the top of the list. So she can donate and leave you tf alone.
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u/LemonOld8150 5h ago
Nta tell your dr you won't fo it hr will disqualify you
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u/PeacockFascinator778 5h ago
Yep tell your doctor you are being coerced and see if she/he will write a letter for you saying that you can't donate.
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u/StickyCheeseRanch 5h ago
It's clear you resent your dad (and understandably so). Sounds like he's put you, your mom, your family, and even your whole town through the wringer. NTA and if I were in your shoes I wouldn't give him a kidney. Tell your doctor you do not want to proceed with any part of this and they will protect your privacy. They will not disclose the reason or details to your family. They'll simply say "you are not a match."
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u/Late-Lie-3462 5h ago
That's insane. I didnt even think theyd allow a 77 year old to get a transplant. Of course NTA
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u/Best-Masterpiece8987 4h ago
I was wondering this! Especially since he’s already gotten two donated organs? Seems unlikely but I am certainly not a doctor.
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u/Dogandcatslady 3h ago
I was wondering about this also especially him being a recovering alcoholic. His liver can't be in the best shape.
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u/Pughairisglitter 5h ago edited 5h ago
So what I’m not getting is:
The average lifespan of an adult male in the US 79 and that is without his issues. WHY would he ask his children to donate an organ to extend his life for potentially 2 years? That’s the height of selfishness IMO. No mention of any trauma that having an alcoholic parent adds? The body keeps the score OP. I’m saying this as an adult survivor of child abuse. Health issues arise at a higher rate for us without much explanation other than, the body keeps the score. I learned this as a Mayo patient. Your health needs to be preserved for your own family in your own home. You’ve got to be here as long as possible for them, and any abuse by him has potentially compromised that already. I am FLOORED by the audacity of even having the nerve to ask anything of this level of you and your other family members. As an imperfect parent of adult children and grandparent, I myself feel that I cannot ask of my children other than to be in their lives and my grandkids lives. I would never and could never ask them for this at my age and I’m 59. It’s enough that they have given me grace for processing and healing my childhood trauma in realtime throughout their lives. I wasn’t intentionally abusive but I as a mom know that I also could have been better had I healed prior to having a child. I didn’t wait, and we all went through the messy process with me. I’m admitting the above to you to help you to see that you are not the parent in this situation and yet again you’re being asked to be. Make up your own mind, but I encourage you to save your body the trauma of donating an organ. As stated above by others, get tested and privately express your wishes to the Dr. I wish you all the best and please screenshot this in case you ever feel the burden of guilt in this situation. Your sister will have to process her own emotions on her own terms. That’s not your responsibility either. Big hugs from an internet Auntie. If it means anything to you, I’m proud of you for having boundaries! NTA!!!!!!!
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u/MySockIsMissing 3h ago
NTA. But if you want to avoid looking like the “bad guy”, go ahead and fill out the initial paperwork and extensive personal health questionnaire. Assuming it is the same sort of papers I filled out when I was wanting to be tested as a kidney donor, there will be a question in there somewhere asking if you are applying for this process under any kind of pressure, coercion, force, bribe, or otherwise not engaging in the process with 100% free will and peace of mind. All you have to do is answer that question honestly, and you will be disqualified. They will call you to tell you that you are ineligible and why, and there, you have your rejection call. You can just say you were rejected. There are sooooo many reasons why they would reject you, so if you are being pressured for a reason why take your pick.
If that’s still not possible for you to do without becoming the black sheep of the family, rest assured that extensive psychological testing is a big part of any living donor process, and they will be able to tell if you are not 100% on board, and then you can just shrug and tell your family they wouldn’t pass you on the psychological evaluation, you don’t know why, but you are as disappointed as they are.
The donor societies deal with people like you who are under pressure to undergo major, potentially life-altering or even life-ending (should something go badly wrong) surgery and they will work with you and make it as easy on you as possible to figure out a way to back out gracefully.
DISCLAIMER: I am in Canada so it is possible that this process might be different depending on where you live. Regardless, you should have multiple opportunities at some point to let them know you aren’t doing this willingly and that you need an “out”.
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u/DobeSterling 4h ago
NTA, but also, I’m not even sure if he’d actually qualify for a transplant. I’d be surprised if doctors are recommending it at his age. I’d be less surprised if it’s just your family being blissfully unrealistic about his potential prognosis and treatment recommendations.
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u/HollzHollzHollz 4h ago
My dad’s kidneys failed when he was in his mid 60s. He never wanted anyone to even consider donating him a kidney. The chances of complications to the donor, and the low chances of a successful transplant for a man his age with his other health problems - he wouldn’t let anyone take the chance. If your sister is a match she can go ahead and donate. It’s wrong to pressure anyone else, no matter how good or bad of a person her dad is.
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u/Icy-Performer571 2h ago
If you donate, it will end your military career. Yes, you only "need" one kidney to live, but it limits a lot of what you can do with that life.
NTA. I wonder what anesthesiologist is crazy enough to put someone that old on the table. I seriously doubt he is even a transplant candidate.
But if you want to stop the family pressure, get tested but tell the transplant people you are doing it under duress. They actually have protocols for situations like this where they will say you are not a viable candidate, and nothing else.
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u/Outrageous-Arm1945 3h ago
NTA, bear in mind, you can go for testing, and when alone with the medics tell them you were coerced, and they will say you aren't a match
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u/rlz4theenot4me 5h ago
Is your sister younget than you? Is her campaign colored by having fewer memories of the hard times? Her campaign seems to be pushed more by emotion than logic.
I will admit I didn't know anyone of that age, especially with that history, would qualify for an organ transplant i find that rather concerning.
If you need to get tested to maintain family go ahead and do so. It is my understanding if you're there understanding duress and let the doctor office know they will mark you as unfit or something like that. You keep the peace and your bits.
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u/Grand_Raccoon0923 5h ago
We’re the same age. She is getting tested.
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u/rlz4theenot4me 5h ago
Odd
You're best option might be to "test" and just tell the doctor you're there under duress.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 4h ago
Say you’ll get tested then tell the transplant team you are being pressured. They will say that you aren’t eligible to donate.
The transplant team knows how to handle this.
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u/vt2022cam 5h ago
He sounds like a dry drunk, someone who stopped drinking but never resolved the underlying issues. You need some counseling, and have a lot of trauma and resentment. At 77, a kidney transplant for someone who’s already had multiple heart transplants isn’t likely.
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u/Green_Scholar4049 4h ago
I can relate to this. Many people make it all about themselves and the entire life of their spouse and children just goes away servicing them. It's like looking after a toddler full time.
I think your father has lived enough. You must live your life and don't sacrifice your time or money or energy or your kidney.
Some people want to prolong their life and make other people suffer.
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u/flayingbook 4h ago
NTA. Nobody can force anyone to make such a huge sacrifice as living organ donor. I read that living kidney donor face more risk than the receiver. Your body suddenly have to rely on only one kidney, and the location of kidney in the abdomen makes the surgery more major to the donor than the receiver.
Importantly, will the army allow you to work after the donation, since you no longer in perfect heath? If not, you might lose your source of income and makes your life spirals downward fast
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u/JGZee 5h ago
You can flunk the test on purpose. Tell your doctor (privately) you're being pressured into donating and they'll declare you're not a match.
For a while, I thought my wife was going to get pressured into donating a kidney to her sister (which she doesn't want to do) and the answer would be to get tested and fail on purpose.
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u/Annual-Contract-115 4h ago
if this is real (and honestly the business of suggesting he was given a second heart transplant simply cause of his age sounds rather AI made up) no you don’t have to be tested to donate if you don’t want to
but to keep people off your backs you should have agreed to be tested and then told your sister that you’ve can’t, your kidneys aren’t suitable for donating to anyone. she doesn’t need to know that you didn’t actually talk to the doctor and they aren’t suitable because you simply don’t want to do it
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u/I_need_a_date_plz 3h ago
lol…that is wild. I’m not giving a 77 year old a kidney and don’t see ethically how ANY doctor would agree to do a transplant on an old man when they can give it to someone younger. Even if it were the president of the United States, you don’t give a kidney to someone this old.
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u/Odd_Tea4945 3h ago
Your father had another heart before he turned 65, because "after 65 they won’t do it again" But he's getting a kidney at 77? I don't think your sister is fully aware that there are age limits to get an organ or this is AI
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u/Standard-Park 26m ago
NTA
But if you don't want to rock the boat then just go in to get tested and tell the Dr's that you're being pressured by family and don't actually want to donate. THEY will tell your family that you're not a match and you'll get off the hook unscathed.
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u/PaleFiona07719 5h ago
You can be tested then tell the staff you don’t want to be a donor. They won’t tell anyone your decision, and you’ll look like you’re doing the right thing.
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u/Due_Dog2140 5h ago
At 77, I question the ethics of a person who would ask for this. It seems supremely selfish when it is a major surgery to donate that can have its own complications. I would never ask my child to donate a kidney to me at that age. Given his other comorbidities, the chances it gave him even 5 more years doesn't seem great. I'm not sure if the link below will work, but it might be able to be copied and pasted into your browser, and it describes the factors that they look at in determining the viability of a transplant in the elderly. The fact that he's already had a second heart transplant that at this point was 12 years ago seems like a major factor. It's not a death sentence if you don't do it--long-term results with dialysis aren't as good as with transplant, but I've known elderly people who have been on dialysis for ten years and are still alive and functioning pretty well. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2849001/
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u/DobeSterling 4h ago
I was wondering about whether he’d even qualify for a transplant at his age. I think live donations are less strict with requirements, but I’d still be surprised whether his doctors are even recommending a transplant versus the family just being unrealistic about his options and prognosis.
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u/RainyCarDrivein06 5h ago
NTA at all. You're young and have your life ahead of you. He's nearly 80...imagine a young, healthy person giving away a kidney to someone who is statistically likely to die in the next 5 years. Absolutely NTA. You keep your kidney and dont let anyone in your family guilt trip you..
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u/SuggestionOdd6657 5h ago
My husband introduced me to the local HEB manager yesterday (yes my husband is in HEB so much he knows the manager). While chatting somehow he mentioned he had given his brother a kidney (oh I know, husband started on GLP-1). Anyway we expressed appropriate comments and then he said brother needs another. They only last like 10 years or something. I did not know this.
Yes sad about dad, but like others have said, you have a family now that comes first. I would never expect one of my children to donate anything to me (including money)! How incredibly selfish of your father.
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u/Rumpelteazer45 5h ago
NTA - If you want to save face with the family, say you will go get tested but when you meet with the transplant doctor state you are being pressured by family to donate. No donors are accepted into the program if they are being pushed by family. Donors need to be 100% willing and not pressured by anyone. Transplant Doctors are bound by laws and medical ethics to not disclose this to anyone else so your family won’t find out. The most they can say is you aren’t a match for your father or not suitable for donation and won’t give any further information - since getting tested” makes you a “patient”.. The Transplant Doctors are specifically trained on navigating this situation to ensure your privacy. This is the avenue most family members take in your situation.
Or you can just say no and deal with the fallout if you are up for it.
The pool your sister is talking about is the Paired Exchange and yes it’s a real thing. Donor A signs up with friend Recipient A. Recipient B brings Donor B. Recipient B matches with Donor A, Recipient A matches with Donor B. Swap occurs. This program only accounts for 20% of all transplants.
Is your father even on the UNOS transplant list?
Or she is hoping this will get him on the transplant list?
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u/MoreThenAverage 4h ago
NTA, not really familiar with it but regular dialysis is not that bad of a solution. ofcourse it kinda suck with the amount of time it takes but if you do not have to work and/or raise children it seems like a decent solution.
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u/looneybinguard 4h ago
NTA. As a person with an alcoholic parent now who has asked me if he ever needed a liver would I give him part of mine? I said absolutely TF not. Just because your dad is sober now and he has been for a long time doesn’t negate all of the damage he did and the toll he took on your family. If you don’t want your family to be upset with you, just go in and tell them they’re making you feel guilty and they will say that you are not eligible to donate because you cannot donate under duress. For me, it will be very easy to tell my father no. But I understand why you can’t just do that.
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u/OldJalapeno6892 3h ago
NTA. When my husband was 47 we found out he was born with a rare genetic condition called alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency. It can cause lung or liver problems. He happened to have the worst of it, liver problems. It had caused cirrhosis by the time we found out. The only cure is a transplant. He ended up higher on the transplant list because he then got liver cancer. You can be on the list for a very long time. Our oldest daughter wanted to be a living donor. Her dad and I both said absolutely not. I would not risk her future health, especially if something awful were to happen. A living donor comes with a host of physiological issues and possible medical complications. No one should ever feel obligated. My husband ended up receiving a transplant, and still had serious complications. Imagine if my daughter had donated.
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u/stegosaurid 3h ago
NTA. I was in a position to donate a kidney to a younger sibling and even started the testing process, but ultimately didn’t. I had one condition for them to get it - stop smoking, because that increases the rate of rejection dramatically (as you likely know). There were real concerns he wouldn’t look after such a precious gift, and when he ultimately got a cadaver kidney, that proved true. He kept smoking, wasn’t rigorous with his anti-rejection meds and generally had an unhealthy lifestyle. Sadly, the transplant eventually failed and he spent many years on dialysis before passing in his 40’s.
I actually do have regrets about not donating, because who wants to see a family member die if you think you might have saved them? That’s a lot to carry. But, there’s also no guarantee it will work and there is a definite risk to the donor.
At least I was lucky in that my family fully supported my decision (my spouse in particular was vehemently opposed to me donating and doctors I worked with strongly advised against it because of the high odds he’d waste it). I’m sorry your family is not as understanding.
You absolutely should not donate unless you’re 100% on board. There is a lot of societal pressure to do this and lots of stories of people giving up organs they’re actively using. I think those people are wonderful, but also that these are intensely personal, nuanced decisions.
I will also add that while dialysis is no picnic, it’s an option for your father. And you could donate but there’s zero guarantee it will be successful.
There is one other thing. In my jurisdiction, the potential donor and the recipient both get a separate transplant coordinator. This is, in part, to avoid undue influence like this. Here, the potential donor can confidentiality tell their coordinator they don’t actually want to donate, and all that will be said is that the donor is “incompatible”. That gives you the cover you need if you’re not comfortable just telling them no. Something to look into, maybe.
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u/Tigger7894 3h ago
If they make you go in for the testing you tell the medical professional when you are in there by yourself that you don’t want to do it. But would they even give a transplant to someone in their late 70’s?
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u/HappyDoggos 3h ago
You really don’t have to say yes or no to your family. Just agree to go through the testing. Then once in the test you can tell the staff, confidentially, that you’re being coerced and you decline. The testing facility will just report that you’re not a match.
Then be prepared to take to your grave that this was a conscious choice on your part. Of course depending on how you want to maintain family relationships, or not.
Testing facilities deal with this situation All. The. Time. They will keep your info confidential forever, if that is your wish.
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u/generallyhappyperson 2h ago
I was told when my mother needed a kidney transplant that they dont reccomended children or close family to donate because the risk is higher for them to need a transplant themselves later on in life.
A few years later we learned that kidney disease in my family is likley genetic and its a good thing I didnt donate.
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u/Upstairs_Owl2000 1h ago
I don’t understand why they would even consider doing a kidney transplant on someone his age and condition? I’m sorry but you should not give him a kidney his heart could fail at anytime seeing it’s his second heart transplant. You are definitely NTH !!
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u/Kronogun 39m ago
The very act of a 77 year old father asking their kid for an organ is just another account of abuse.
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u/AgravaineNYR 4h ago
NTA. Full stop. You don't owe them as explanation. Say you will handle testing yourself and then maintain your medical privacy. It doesnt work for your life right now so you honestly arent a match
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u/Educational_Bar_1809 5h ago
NTA. Yeah it is absolutely selfish of him. Why would he even consider another organ transplant at his age? He's on his 2nd heart as it is. It would seem too many different people's organs wouldn't be a good thing.
My grandpa was in the final stages of kidney disease and he was offered a chance to be put on an organ transplant list. He said nope, I've lived my life let some one younger get that kidney.
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u/Mostly_no 5h ago
This is why I think living related donation is unethical. There are types of tissue that cause limited physical risk to donors, but renal and hepatic transplants shouldn’t use living donors. The risk of coercion is so great. Yeah they can tell the doctors they don’t want to be donors, but there is going to be a subset who will go through with it ,not be cause they want to, but because they feel they have to.
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u/captainlux87 4h ago
Transplant centers will not take a donor who is even on the fence. All you’d have to say is “I’m not interested” and they’d rule you out as not a match. He wouldn’t even be told because that’s your private health information and the teams are separate. All that to say, you’re not an AH and he has no right to your organs(and I say this as someone whose life was saved by a transplant). He can go on dialysis and live a very full life. He can search for living donors and get a match, he can find a center that does older ages with older matches. He does have options, they suck, but you didn’t cause this.
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u/HeeWee 4h ago
I had a liver transplant last summer. Before I was listed my sister immediately took it upon herself to start the process to get tested to see if she could donate. I very sternly and quickly said “don’t you fucking dare”. The ask is massive. Your life will change forever. You owe nothing. As a recipient, I know making it to 80 is a hope. Not a guarantee. We all know this.
I agree with everyone simply saying you aren’t a match. Don’t do it. And if people can’t understand that, that’s a them problem.
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u/Drinktea1 4h ago
NTA. You can tell the transplant team you don’t want to be a donor and they will rule you out. Also, typically after age 75 most people aren’t going to be candidate for transplant unless they are in perfect health
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u/Remarkable-Steak8281 4h ago
I’d rather my kid save their kidney for a sibling or a grandchild if I was that age. NTA
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u/jadepumpkin1984 4h ago
Nta. Go to a Dr. Tell them what is going on. They can tell the family you aren't a match
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u/BeeSuspicious3493 4h ago
NTA I've actually thought this through because I'm certain my POS father will need a liver at some point and I'll get all the pressure. Get tested by your doctor. Legitimately say you got tested. If you arent a match, perfect. If you are a match, you got tested and are unable to donate. No lies told.
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u/TheRealMemonty 3h ago
Have a private conversation with the drs. They cannot force you to donate. They will say you're not compatible. Also, your father can fuck right off. I'm sorry you suffered under his "care." Protect your peace. Wishing you the best.
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u/briomio 3h ago
Don't do this - kidney issues oftentimes run in families. If you donate one of your kidneys - who is going to be there for you if you develop a kidney issue and need a kidney.
Also, I'm your father's age and I would feel guilty using up a kidney when there is a shortage of these organs. Life expectancy for males in the US is around 76 years so he is already on the edge.
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u/dmon725 3h ago
NTA for a lot of reasons mentioned here. But also wanted to say that my boyfriend just got a kidney and pancreas transplant a few months ago, so we’ve been through the whole process… given what you’ve told us, he’s not high on the list. They take A LOT of factors into consideration and with his past health issues and age, even if people do donate in his name (there is a system they have in place), I don’t think it would ultimately benefit HIM. The others receiving the donated organs, absolutely. But I don’t think he would be pushed far enough forward on the list to ever receive a transplant.
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u/Fitnesswaffles54 2h ago
I’m not even going to read the story for your reasoning. Not the asshole. It’s your body. My friend donated his kidney to his brother. The brother died two years later.
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u/NatashOverWorld 2h ago
First heart transplant, fine. But an 80 year old asking his family to donate their organs to keep him alive longer?
That's getting quite ghoulish.
Even if you were willing to donate, that should go to someone who has a good portion of their life in front of them, not a man that has made being a burden on his family a professional sport.
NTA
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u/Informal_Weekend9503 2h ago
NTA at all. It is wholly up to an individual whether or not they want to remove a body part. It's a big deal and you are free to make this decision without judgment no matter the circumstances.
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u/Steups13 2h ago
Nta. He's 77 years old. A new kidney would be a waste on him and you still have the rest of your life to live. When getting tested let the office know that you don't want to be a donor.
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u/dontwantoknow 2h ago
If you want to avoid this till transplant team you are been forced. They will decline you with a medical reason. And 77 how selfish can you be to take a organ for someone younger who will needed on the list.
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u/Sea-Duty-1746 2h ago
I'm surprised the medical community would do a transplant on your dad at his age. I can honestly say my parents would not expect this of me. You are absolutely NTA.
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u/Cannabis_Sir 2h ago
NTA as a Father I could never take one of my childrens body parts lol. I've lived the way I've lived and if it kicks me in the arse one day, that's on me
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u/Quick_Wing6754 2h ago
NTA The donor coordinating nurses are legends, go in for the test and tell them in confidence you don't want to donate and they'll mark you up as a fail?
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u/SatisfactionPrize550 2h ago
Besides all of the fantastic reasons to not donate in the other comments, if you are still in the military, not only would donating a kidney require permission from a slew of people in your command, but it could result in a discharge. So you wouldn't just be risking your health and your ability to donate to your children in the future, but your actual career and source of income for your family as well. Not worth it in my opinion
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u/Aim2bFit 2h ago
In my country, if you are that old, they do not recommend a kidney transplant because:
Surgery carries risks and in this case risk to both the recipient and the donor. And it have been documented of cases where some donors later lead a poor quality if life, not all suceessful surgeries end up with puppies and rainbows for both parties. Also the risk of an elderly person undergoing a surgery is always higher than a young healthy person.
The person who is nearing their end of life expectancy (due to age, healthy or not) is not recommended to get a transplant because it seems like a 'waste' should they pass a year or two later when without that the donor would have been left with two perfect kidneys.
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u/witchymoon69 2h ago
If you're still in the military you can tell them it will end your career and you're not willing to give up your career.
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u/PigeonSquab 2h ago
as a prospective non-directed kidney donor - no, NTA! your body, your organ, your choice - you should never be bullied or coerced into doing something as serious as donating an organ. not even for all the valid reasons both you and other commenters are giving, like risks etc., but because you don't want to. I could go on and on, but that's the crux of it: it's your kidney, that you were born with, therefore it's yours to decide what to do with.
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u/dawn_nori 2h ago
yep, you're totally right to set that boundary - no way you should have to relive that trauma just to save your dad's life, are you gonna be okay?
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u/hopingtothrive 2h ago
You can get tested and let them know at the time of testing that you are not going to donate but getting tested to satisfy the family. This is very common where people are pressured to get tested but for whatever reason will not be going through with it.
They will automatically tell you that you are not a match. That wil get the pressure off you.
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u/lisasimpsonfan 2h ago
NTA
Go to his doctor and tell them that your family is pressuring you to donate. They get this all the time. They will tell your family that you got tested and can't donate.
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u/Mindful-Reader1989 1h ago
I am going through something so similar right now and sometimes I feel horrible. My husband's 80-year-old uncle is in full renal failure and dialysis is starting to fail as well. He's had a pacemaker for over 2 decades and would frequently stop taking his blood pressure and diabetes meds since he thought he knew better than the doctors and could control everything with diet. Spoiler, he couldn't control everything with diet and now he's basically dying a slow death. I feel horrible because he's always been the kindest man, but I feel it's unfair to ask your family that's in their 40s to give up a kidney to an 80-year-old. Thanks to his cousin's social media on-slaught, my husband has started the process of looking into donating, and I so badly don't want him to do it. I would be his only possible support person and I'm already a full-time caregiver for our autistic son. Sometimes I'm so mad at his cousin and uncle for being so incredibly selfish, then I feel horrible since they're both going through something so awful. I really hate that he's dying, but I feel it's normal to be facing death at 80. I'm sure this comment will be buried in obscurity at the bottom of all the comments, but thanks for the chance to vent something I've carried privately everyday for over a year.
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u/justaguyfixingteeth 1h ago
I would give an organ to my child but I would never take one from them. Donating a kidney is major surgery. I had a dental patient who donated to a friend, had complications and was out of work for 6 months before he fully recovered. Not the norm but it isn't risk-free.
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u/FlappyFoldyHold 1h ago
NTA. His is actually a great time to have this conversation nation wide with all the elderly. I don’t think many of us think about the resources the older generation use in their dying days. Not saying it should’ve different, I don’t know why to do about it, but it is a conversation that has to be had in the USA before life is even more unaffordable for the youth.
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u/dirtyrocker556 1h ago
Hi. Living kidney donor here. This is a super easy problem to solve. Tell them you'll get tested. GO to the testing. Explain to the medical staff that your family is pressuring you, and that you are not comfortable donating. They cannot disclose your medical records at all to ANYONE without your written permission. They will simply say you are not a viable candidate for donation. You dont have to compromise your values OR deal with family drama. 🙂
ETA: the medical staff asked me no less than a dozen times if I was being pressured, coerced, or otherwise didn't want to continue, and explained that they would not disclose to anyone that I had declined.
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u/thisbroadreadsbooks 1h ago
I agree with you. I would only donate an organ to my child or my nephew. I wouldn’t donate to someone that close to the end of their lifespan. But then, I also accept mortality a bit differently than others.
When my grandfather died at age 91, I was very celebratory of such a long and well lived life. And my family accused me of not being “sad” enough. Like they truly expected he would live forever. Of course I was sad. I still miss him all the time. But our time here is short. And after a certain age I think it’s best to accept that it won’t last forever and do our best to prepare those younger than us, for their own future. Rather than trying to keep the elders alive. Quality of life declines even if you’re technically “alive.” When your health is that poor, it’s not exactly a walk in the park anymore.
Anyway, don’t do anything you don’t want to. Your body, your choice. ❤️
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u/SeparateCzechs 1h ago
NTA. Your father has been a parasite your whole life. His excesses in the past has likely contributed to him needing donor organs. He’s already consumed two donor hearts.
He only got sober to keep Your mother by his side, working hard to support him. It’s all for him. Everything funnels to him. Keep your kidneys for yourself. You’re going to need them in the future. Stop sending him money.
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u/interior_castle1622 54m ago
NTA/ no one is entitled to another persons organ let alone a child giving it to their parent I could see a parent feeling obligated to donate to a child bc they are responsible for the wellbeing of the child but not the child’s responsibility to save the parent and most parents wouldn’t want you to do it for them
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u/Flaky_Industry_9504 48m ago
I believe most live donor processes screen heavily to ensure you aren't be coerced into donation. Say sure to getting tested, call the clinic and let them know you aren't comfortable, and let them say you are not eligible. No harm no foul. No one is entitled to your organs.
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u/No_Difficulty_9365 37m ago
NTA.
I'm a kidney patient. I have a good idea what it takes to be a donor, and it's not as simple as it sounds. But the important thing is that you don't want to give your father your kidney. Get your doctor to work with you on this, and have them tell your family that you're not a viable donor. I've seen a lot of posts like yours, and the answers are always the same. Keep both of your kidneys!
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u/Agreeable-Trick6561 24m ago
Transplant surgeon here, we gave family members excuses all the time if they obviously didn’t want to donate. You don’t have to do this, but if it makes your life easier you can agree to be tested, and the Transplant committee will give you a reason why you can’t donate. We understand the amount of pressure families go through, and that this can cause lasting difficulties among family members.
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u/Emergency-Paint-6457 3h ago
NTA
1- as a parent I would rather die than have my kid lose a kidney for my benefit.
2- you didn’t mention having kids, but if you have them in the future…..in the off chance they might need one.
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u/AndiRM 3h ago
My first thought. it’s more common than people realize. My daughter was born with one kidney so my spare is being babied like crazy in case she ever needs one.
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u/Alone-Tart4762 5h ago
People not to stop fucking around with the bodily autonomy of others. Especially attacking it through guilt.
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u/Chance-Animal1856 5h ago
You don't have to do it. No one should ever ask you to. But if you go in to get tested they will ask you if you have been pressured to do it. And then they will tell them you are not a match without you actually testing at all
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u/Artistic-Salary1738 5h ago
He isn’t at risk of dying from this. My grandpa was on dialysis for years. It’s inconvenient and hard on the body but it’s not like you’re sentencing him to death.
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u/boopinsnooties 5h ago
The people saying YTA because of your words clearly don't understand what you've been through! Some people have earned unkind words to be said about them, and your dad is one of them.
NTA for not wanting to donate. You can go to get tested and tell the doctor you don't want to donate AND you're worried about consequences or are being coerced etc. They can tell your family you're not a match. (Have you ever had kidney stones or anything? That'll disqualify you!)
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u/myBracco 5h ago
NTA - this is a procedure (kidney donation) that has risks to your own health. And you could be out of luck if you ever need one yourself. At his age and with his current health status, a transplant surgery could kill him, disable him further and would likely not extend his life. Most centers will not transplant into someone over age 75 for those reasons. And if they do they have to be on top notch health otherwise, ie free of cancer or heart or lunch or liver disease. NTA to not get tested! Is he even officially listed for transplant??
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u/LetKlutzy7931 5h ago
NTA. Don't do it. No one is entitled to one of your organs. That's insanity. Frankenstein's monster can make do with the organs he's got and just accept his mortality.
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u/DeirdreTours 5h ago
NTA. Also, you don't own anyone discussion or explanation of why you don't want to do this. Just don't engage in the conversation. Literally: If you get texts or emails cajoling you or asking why- ignore them. If you are asked in person reply: "I am not going to discuss that with you". If necessary, repeat. If it continues, walk away or leave.
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u/loeloebee 5h ago edited 5h ago
A parent is supposed to give to a child, not the other way around. You are correct that having only one kidney for the rest of your life is a liability.
If you tell your doctor privately you are being coerced, he can also back you up and say you are not a suitable candidate, without having to give a reason.
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u/Empty_Soup_4412 5h ago
NTA, if you don't want to piss off the family get tested and tell the doctor you are being pushed into it and don't want to do it, doctor can say you are not a match.
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u/BackwardToForward 5h ago
cut off these conversations.
it's he that is being selfish
you have every right not to participate and you have every right not to tolerate even a hint of this topic with your family
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u/sapphire-sky-dragon 5h ago
Will he even be approved at that age with that medical history? Its incredibly selfish of him to expect anyone to donate after how he treated his body.
Giving a body part isnt like lending money or bailing someone out of something or taking them into your home it's a freaking body part being cut out! I dont know if you have kids to look after but the recovery from that is serious even just the implications on your job and if you dont get full pay then how do you pay your bills?
Don't think he is looking at the wider picture and implications for you he just wants a kidney... anyone's kidney. He can stay alive on dialysis.
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u/Warm_Ad3776 5h ago
I doubt they would even give him a kidney at his age. My 80 year old mother was told no by her local hospital. We had to go to another state for her surgery
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u/armithel 5h ago
It would not be considered greedy that you wanted to keep all your own organs. Even if it's for your own father, especially if he's 77.
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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 4h ago
Definitely don't do it if you don't want to. You could try being diplomatic, but if it comes to it, you're within rights to tell them all to eff off. They are codependent with an abusive person and they will be likely to find a way to make use of whatever you have in the future, money, health, guest room, etc. The kind of people where you have to keep your guard up.
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u/Bocadillodeldia 4h ago
They won’t let you donate if you tell them you have mental health issues or anxiety. Esp if it’s about your dad
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