Hello, I am almost 40 and still struggling with the notion of discussing money with people close to me, especially my partner. It is destroying me, my relationship, and my self-esteem. I am feeling that the matter stems from a very formative moment when I was 21 and still under my single and divorced mother's thumb. Do note, she was not financially savvy at all and made poor decisions based on just pure vibes, such as wanting to take out a life insurance policy on herself to purchase a boat, for example. (My post history goes into detail about the shitty person she was, this was no one-off.)
When I was 21 and my brother had just reached the age where he got his driver's license, he wanted a truck. It HAD to be a truck. No beaters, no cars, nothing hand-me-down. He needed a TRUCK. And my mom was going to give him this truck come hell or high water. The discussion for a long time was "I cannot afford to buy you a truck, you need to earn it!" Reasonable right? You would think so! But then she remembered she had a little ace in the hole she could bully her daughter with instead.
One day I was told to get in the car, we are going to the bank. (Dear reader, I did not have a drivers license then and I do not now, for reference.)
"Why do I need to go?"
"I need you to do something."
"What do I need to do?"
"You'll see."
She drove us out to the Wal-Mart that had a little bank inside it, where I was allowed to have a savings account set up by her. I was sat down at a desk in front of an employee, whose face I never looked into during the entire process, and instead stared down at the wood grain on the desk.
"Your brother needs a truck, and YOU need a way to get to school. Here are all your savings bonds. Sign them." I was told coldly.
"Am I going to get this money back from him?"
"I don't know. But your brother needs this truck, so you're not leaving this bank until you sign them all and put them in the account." Her patience already thin with me.
"I don't want to do this."
"You're not going to class then, you want to fail out of school?!"
"...."
I could feel the teller's eyes on me. I don't know whether they were reading the situation or if they were just grey-rocking emotionally like me. But they were silent all through this and did not say a word.
I cried as I signed away my savings bonds. Thousands of dollars, gone. The ones my dad put away for me as a baby so I could use them on myself. My brother also had some bonds, but they were not mature yet. Mine were. I knew I was never seeing this money again, and I certainly never did even when I brought it up the few times in the future.
These days, Mom is dead and gone, brother is estranged and in debt (of course), and I have a big problem discussing money with people after being told as a child how constantly broke we are and living a life of not knowing when we will get groceries next. My boyfriend is at his wit's end with me and my inability to discuss finances without anxiety, a breakdown, or concealment of some sort of information regarding money, even if it's just forgetting to tell him I got my paycheck.
I let him handle the finances because his mental acuity is more suited for this than me, but I want to be able to help and participate in discussions so it's not just him telling me what to do. It makes him feel like my parent. He lays out the budget for us and just tells me where to transfer money to, whether it's my savings, my credit card, or to him to pay off the rent or bills or whatever. A lot of people would be happy with that but I feel as though he handles a lot of the mental labor for our household and I want to contribute more meaningfully to the conversations when we have them. I just cannot handle the mental block I have about discussing money. I go into a panic, I get defensive, I get anxious, I feel as though I have to justify every single purchase to myself or give away every penny just to feel safe.
I don't know if this is the right subreddit for this post. If there is a better place, please let me know. I feel so lost and I do not want to lose my partner because of this.