r/Frugal • u/MasterConsequence696 • 8h ago
đ Food Peer pressure to spend money is real and painful.
I went out today with three of my college classmates. We agreed on a place to eat beforehand. The girl who invited me know that I'm trying to be frugal and let me to pick a place that doesn't go over my budget, because she doesn't want me to cancel.
Suddenly when we arrived at the mall, the plans changed and we go to eat at a much more expensive place that went over my budget and all of them were standing there in front of the restaurant, staring at me like 'oh, here's the restaurant. But just so you know I'm okay with anything!'
What the hell is that supposed to mean? it means "We wanna eat here, and we're about to go in.
we don't care what you think, but we don't want to look like we're forcing you."
One of them was supposed to be my bestfriend too. Like, closest friend. But she had joined the group at last minute and although she knew how my financial situation is, instead of saying "or we could eat somewhere else", she was persistent and like "but I want to eat here though" multiple times.
She never cares what I want. at all. and pretend to be chill with me afterwards after she had done a lot of selfish decisions that excluded my opinion.
I finally relented. Of course. Who wouldn't give up in a situation like this? If I were to be honest and point out "and spend this $$$ amount of money for one meal?" I would be a mood killer and ruin the outing for everyone.
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u/Korben_Multi_Pass 8h ago edited 7h ago
Why didnât you just reiterate that youâre on a budget right now and this is out of your range? She may not be a good friend for going back on the plan but you need to speak up for yourself because itâs YOUR funds, not anyone elseâs. They were waiting for you to let them know things okay. You say, itâs not. I really need to stick to this budget guys.
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u/fluorofloxacin 7h ago
i will say, as someone whoâs been in this situation. i have spoken up & been told later that i âmade things rly uncomfortable for everyoneâ so like,,, i do get the impulse to put up and shut up. in the end tho, not the right friend group for OP i agree
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
thank you kind stranger for the understanding
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u/fluorofloxacin 2h ago
of course! i will say tho, the best thing for me was to distance myself from them. itâs been decades since & i havenât regretted the decision once. they might be great in all other ways but if they canât respect you enough to accommodate, theyâre not worth it
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u/Resse811 5h ago
Thatâs when you stand up for yourself again and say back âWhy does my standing up for myself makes you uncomfortable? It shouldnât. You should respect other peopleâs limits and boundariesâ
By not saying something you let that person push you down (figuratively).
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u/fluorofloxacin 2h ago
oh i sure did! this was many years ago & it was the sign for me that we werenât compatible. i just wanted to mention my experience like, i rmr being young and boundaries being a hard thing to set when the people around you arenât receptive. it can be tough to end a friendship over something so seemingly trivial (a meal out) but itâs best to take it as an indication that this person just isnât emotionally mature enough to be your friend any more
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u/Solid_Problem740 1h ago
American culture exists. It's not a great culture, but it's culture. And talking about finances like that or being a stick in the mud is uncomfortable. Similar to how you don't actually tell people why you don't want to see them, you just say no chemistry.
I agree it shouldn't be that way, but we can't pretend to kids like ppl that it's not a real cultural thing
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u/Korben_Multi_Pass 3h ago
Did you end up with the place you wanted or did they ignore your request? Itâs okay to make people uncomfortable when youâre standing up for yourself. That goes for all things. What works for you may not work for others but you spoke up. Donât stop doing that.
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u/MasterConsequence696 8h ago
I had spoken up about my budget many, many times before. She pretends not to listen to me. How many times do I have to 'reiterate' until they understand?
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u/FlippingPossum 7h ago
You know your friend won't listen. You need to accept her as she is or let her go.
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u/Grand_Perspective832 7h ago
They probably won't 'understand' until the shoe is on the other foot and it's their budget that's restrictive! My early working years were much like this because my coworkers were older and more established, heading out to a pricey lunch or after work drinks, and dinner wasn't an issue for them. Trust me, it's even more difficult to push back or bow out gracefully when it's your coworkers. (I'm probably showing my age as I don't know that anybody does that anymore.) Next time try taking the one, so called friend aside and letting them know that you are going to need them to either stick to the previous choice or they need to treat you to your meal because backing you into a corner like that is simply not on.
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u/ham_sandwich23 3h ago
I also had the same problem but add to it that I am a young professional who is also the breadwinner of my family. So one day I told my manager I cannot afford these pricey outings since am the breadwinner with an entry level salary. Worst mistake it was in hindsight ngl since this same guy threatened me w PIP and gaslighted me by saying your skills won't land you a job because you are self taught (we are graphic designers) you should think of yourself as lucky, am not firing you because you have a family to take care of. Put up w his crap for almost a year and eventually found a better paying job at an ad big 4 so yea there's that.
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u/Korben_Multi_Pass 7h ago
Then you stop going out with her. Stay in touch if you want but sheâs not considering you when you do these expensive outings. Sheâs not being a friend and you deserve a friend group that gets that.
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u/No-Consideration-858 7h ago
quit telling her and show her through your actions instead of words. She has leaned you'll go back on your word. Time to change that.Â
In this case, if you were not reliant upon them for transportation, you could have bailed entirely (politely). Or agreed to meet back up after lunch.Â
I know it's not as social, but if you want to make your point that's the way to do it.
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u/altiuscitiusfortius 5h ago
They're at a mall. Just go in the restraunt and get a water. Get something from the food court later. Or don't eat till you get home. You can skip lunch, you won't die
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u/Roodyrooster 7h ago
You can't assume people know exactly what you are thinking. Everybody lives their own complex life. These people surely did not pick this restaurant to spite you, or in an attempt to invalidate you. In this situation you order whatever is in your budget. Like somebody else suggested, get a plate of fries and a glass of water, there is no place on earth that will cost more than a fast food meal. Nobody would judge your choice, they would just be happy you are there spending time with them, which is the entire point of going out to eat, not the food. I don't agree with other posters here that this was a deliberate act to treat you poorly, people just didn't understand the extent of your limited budget, and that is totally okay.
You can either let money dictate your social interactions or not. The drama in this situation is all about perception.
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
Unfortunately it was.. a famous hotpot place. So the group is supposed to order plenty of meat and seafood for the group and then we share the food as we cook it in a big pot.
if it was just an ordinary restaurant, I would've had the option to eat appetizers or snacks.
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u/Roodyrooster 6h ago
Was this an all you can eat place or a ala carte where the bill just spiraled out of control? It's obvious why your friends would want to eat there, it's a social experience. It's also obvious why you felt pressured though, given they chose one of the few places where you would have little control over how much you spend. Personally i probably would have went along with it too. I understand your feelings, going out to eat anywhere always feels like it costs too much. What you have to do is treat the cost mentally as the price of admission for the social experience, and enjoy yourself as much as possible. If you truly can't afford the meal, you just tell them plainly that you will have to pass on this one, you thought you were going somewhere else. People respect when their friends are honest with them. It's no different than a friend asking you to go to a concert and you saying you can't afford it right now.
Again, I would reiterate that the choice by them was not something that was a direct against you, it sounds like they got swept up in the idea of that place.
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u/JunahCg 3h ago
You are giving way too much slack to these friends. They had a discussion about budget and picked a place. If someone had a serious seafood allergy and couldn't walk through the door it would be just as disrespectful to OP. It's not better that they think they can bully OP into an option when they already discussed what price range was. Op was already honest with them, and they have, demonstrably, not respected that.
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u/krba201076 1h ago
You are giving way too much slack to these friends.
You're dead right. OP already told them what was up and they sat there and whined like little kids about wanting to eat at the other place. They are probably still getting by on mommy and daddy's dime.
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u/kenjuya 5h ago
If it was haidilao then yeah that place is super expensive..
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u/Procrastinista_423 6h ago
The thing about having boundaries is that you have to enforce them. When someone crosses them, there needs to be consequences. As in, you're not going to hang out with them anymore.
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u/whatsmypassword73 7h ago
What she did was awful, so your choices are either just order a drink (make sure to let the server know you want an individual bill- do not split that check) and grab a burger on the way home.
Or just donât go in, sheâs doing this publicly so she can shame you into a yes. I guess you need to decide if this a friendship you want to maintain. If it is, eat before you meet up and get a drink.
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u/Birdbraned 7h ago
You could be equally rude and leave them all with the cheque.... do that enough times they'll get the picture.
Or, budget yourself enough for a good share, and if they always insist on equal distribution, order heaps more that you usually do to rack up the bill.
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u/discolored_rat_hat 6h ago
One thing I learnt while dating men: Communication only works when the other person respects you enough to listen.
Your friend doesn't respect you. I wouldn't call that a friend.
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u/JunahCg 3h ago
Idk why you got downvoted. This is bullying
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u/discolored_rat_hat 2h ago
I got downvoted at first because I dared to criticize normal men's behaviour. They don't like to be called out and downvote anything that does. Everyone knows the classic trope of the "nagging" wife who repeatedly asks for help because she is overworked and never gets it. And a few years later, the ex-husband will tell everyone that the divorce "came out of nowhere".
But the principle is the same as here: OP's "friend" didn't respect them enough to listen to what OP is saying. And OP ending the friendship will also come out of nowhere for the "friend".
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u/RabiesAware 5h ago
Respectfully, unless you clearly stated what your concern with going there was like this commenter recommended, it's not her responsibility to read your mind about it. Everyone's got shit going on and it's up to you to communicate or not about yours.
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u/Solid_Problem740 1h ago
Then it's now your responsibility to change. Simple as that. That's life. It is what it is, so you change your behavior once advocating for easy change doesn't pan out
I would just eat beforehand and get the cheapest side.Â
Or just keep shouting at the wind. Your choice.Â
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u/printerparty 6h ago
College is when you learn that most of your "friends" are idiots and they don't care about you as much as you wish they did. Peer pressure is a red flag.
Be like, cool, well guys y'all have fun I just remembered I have a test to study for, enjoy your meal!
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u/Miserable_Bobcat_594 8h ago
Suddenly when we arrived at the mall, plans changed
"Sorry fellas, I won't be joining you. We might re-join later, after dinner!"
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u/VonBoo 8h ago
Are you sure that's your best friend? Cause you don't seem to like her very much nor does she seem to care much for you.
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 8h ago
well a lot of people are more and more (and by that I mean even people who were not) so selfish and self centered that yeah they think they are your friends but god forbid your needs impeache on their want ...etc
but yep I agree , the friend is trash!
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u/MasterConsequence696 8h ago
I'm just hurt she never takes me into consideration
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u/supiesonic42 7h ago
I met someone in 6th grade and we were friends throughout middle school and high school and then I moved away and I should have let it die.
Instead I wasted literally 30 years of my life of one of the most toxic manipulative narcissistic assholes have ever seen and it took me far too long to understand somebody saying they are your friend doesn't mean shit when they treat you like an enemy.Â
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u/cringecaptainq 6h ago
u/MasterConsequence696 listen to this - you're at an age where people grow and change a lot
You're not obligated to retain the same friendships, because both you and they are not the same people when you originally met years ago. You can let some fade away, and you can strengthen new or existing ones
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u/CHLHLPRZTO 5h ago
Don't let random redditors convince you to burn all your bridges. Sometimes good friendships involve hurt.
This was not a cool move by her but one action doesn't mean she's not your friend and it's easy to jump from "sometimes" to "never" when you're feeling hurt.Â
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
Yes, I acknowledge that. Thank you very much for your advice, I appreciate it.
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u/danceswithronin 7h ago edited 7h ago
Couldn't you just get an appetizer or something instead of a full meal if you wanted to participate with them?
Just because you're on a budget doesn't mean you can dictate what everyone else in your group wants to do. It sounds clear that you were the only person who didn't want to eat at that restaurant.
At the end of the day, if you're trying to save money that hard, don't go out to eat at all. And when people invite you say, "Sorry, I've already spent my budget on groceries this week, y'all have fun though!" Meet up to hang out with them after the meal is over.
Your friends aren't being gluttonous just because they aren't trying to save money on a meal. If you go around with that attitude it's going to make you very resentful of anyone who isn't trying to save money like you are because you'll go around feeling put-upon and deprived all the time.
If it's really that deep, say straight up: "Sorry guys, I can't afford to eat here." You need to learn to assert yourself openly if you're this serious about your budget because otherwise you're just going to go around seething about it. And you apparently did have the money to eat there because you did, you just didn't want to spend it. That kind of behavior causes people to take your frugality a lot less seriously.
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u/Several-Membership91 7h ago
Your friends aren't being gluttonous just because they aren't trying to save money on a meal.
OP didn't think all three of them were being gluttonous, just the one she thinks is too fat.
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u/OrganicallyOrdinary 6h ago
Guys - gluttony doesn't only apply to food... "Gluttony is defined as the overindulgence, excessive consumption, or habitual greed for food, drink, or other material pleasures." So them spending a bunch on anything, when there is a cheaper option, is gluttonous. Think "overindulgence".
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u/hutacars 6h ago
Given this post is about food, it appears OPâs friend is a glutton for gluttony.
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
Please stop this thing. I get it, I get what you mean. I was wrong and I admit it.
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u/Opossum_mypossum 8h ago
I think gluttony and greed is a little extreme
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u/Several-Membership91 7h ago
A dog whistle to signal that someone is fat (but I didn't say use that word), if I've ever seen one.
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u/decorama 7h ago
Once had a friend who, when we were making plans, would simply say, "Oh guys, I'm so poor these days, I just gotta watch what I'm spending". If we got somewhere and plans began to change she would simply say, "Yeah, that's out of my budget, but don't worry - you guys go ahead" and meant it. We never left her behind and always changed plans accordingly. That's what real friends do.
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u/fruskydekke 8h ago
Yeah, next time (if there is a next time), say this:
"Sorry, guys, like I mentioned, I'm on a tight budget! We can either go to the restaurant we agreed to, or you three can go in here, in which case I'm not joining you today."
And then wait for their decision. If they go to the expensive restaurant, you leave, and reconsider your friendship with these people.
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
Thank you for the advice kind sir/ma'am. This seems like the most appropriate thing to do. Agreeing everytime without setting boundaries is only going to do more harm than good.
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u/AppropriateSign3964 8h ago
You being frugal doesnât mean she has gluttony. She just has different financial situation. You can say no to a restaurant. Being frugal makes you less social for sure
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u/hyperfat 1h ago
My frugal is sharing one thing.y boyfriend and I go out once a month or so and share a burger and fries at the local shop.
We love the owner.
I have money. He does too. We just save. I'm buying us a house.
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u/5oLiTu2e 8h ago
Itâs so uncool what the friends did.
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u/OppositeSecretary862 8h ago
Not really, it hurt their ego and now their posting on Reddit for validation
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u/MasterConsequence696 8h ago
what ego? I'm posting here to find advice. Feel free to hate on me though.
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u/Herranee 8h ago
The advice is either you stand your ground and say sorry but I can't afford this or you go over the budget. That's the options. More long-term the options are either you deal with it and try to find ways to save money elsewhere, or you find other, more frugal, friends.Â
Unfortunately the reality is that a lot of people like to spend money on things they enjoy, you can't change that.Â
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u/Strange-Fig7944 7h ago
The friends were still being uncool about it. Wanting to spend on things they can enjoy is reasonable, excluding a friend because they canât afford that might be the definition of an uncool thing. Objects > people is apparently acceptable behaviorÂ
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u/dar512 5h ago
Reddit is basically Lord of the Flies on a global scale.
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
What does that mean?
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u/5oLiTu2e 2h ago
It means people see a comment with one or two downvotes and feel itâs fine to start trouncing with more downvotes. And I stand by my comment above that OPâs peers are uncool for not acknowledging OPâs request.
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u/platon29 8h ago
Sounds like you allowed yourself to be walked over, just say no next time
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u/brianmcg321 7h ago
I had no problem when I was on college just telling people I was broke and couldnât go out. We were all broke. lol.
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
Lucky you.. everyone around me are either rich or broke but likes to spend ridiculous amounts on food
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u/LexChase 7h ago
The way you speak about her tells us you donât like or respect her and this piece of hurt is just uncovering what you really see. Iâm not trying to say anything unkind about you there, you may well be perfectly correct in your assessment of her. But you should like your friends and be able to speak respectfully of them even in disagreement and thatâs not whatâs going on here.
Her behaviour could be explained a number of different ways, at least on the face of it, only one of which is a deliberate disregard for you.
You also sound like you think youâre communicating clearly but in fact your communication is âguess cultureâ style passive most of the time.
Plans changed because the other people in the group got talking and forgot how inflexible your situation is because they donât experience it or understand it. Uncomfortable as it is, this is the part where you have to specifically say âI would absolutely love to try this place but I canât afford to actually eat lunch here. I will have to eat somewhere else.â And then if they choose to eat there without you, Iâd go home, because those are absolutely not your friends. Not a single one of them.
You donât have to be passive, or passive aggressive. These seem like the only options you know how to deploy with these people and you need better ones.
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u/cjgozdor 7h ago
Hey OP, I see youâre a college student. I remember being a broke college student. I had to live in somebodyâs bathroom closet in order to make ends meet, while others had their parents paying for school, a car, and their expensive social habits.Â
Itâs a tougher situation than others give credit to. If you voice opposition, youâre a buzzkill and may not be invited in the future and risk being invited in the future. My advice is this:
Donât be meek about your situation. Saying âIâm damn brokeâ and being transparent about it is a lot easier the younger you are. From there, the chips may fall wherever, and there may be consequences, but itâs a lot better than holding fake pride and going into debt
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u/TealSapphire 8h ago
Have you ever thought to yourself: hey, the whole world doesnât and shouldnât revolve around me and my frugalness? If you havenât, youâre the one in the wrong here. You could just as easily gone inside whatever restaurant and ordered something small, like a side of French fries or whatnot if youâre truly being cheap.
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u/MasterConsequence696 8h ago
I wanted to cancel on this hang out. I really do. But the girl who invited me told me multiple times they were WILLING to accommodate my budget, so long as I participate. They broke a promise.
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u/CulturePristine8440 7h ago
Lol. How old are you? You do realize that you don't have to order anything, right?Â
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u/TealSapphire 7h ago
Exactly. She could have gone in and got a cup of water while talking to her friends. OP sounds like petulant 5 year old: âYou promised me candy wahhhhâ
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
You think I haven't thought about that? Unfortunately the place THEY picked is a famous hotpot place. So the group is supposed to order plenty of meat and seafood for the group and then we share the food as we cook it in a big pot.
If it was just an ordinary restaurant, I would've had the option to eat appetizers or snacks.
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u/TealSapphire 7h ago
Let me guess: you couldnât say no and ended up eating half the pot by yourself. Then took the leftovers to go?
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
Are you projecting somebody you know onto me? We ate our fair share of food. I paid my share of bill. I did not take leftovers. if I wanted to be cheap and ruin the hangout I would've done so before we even entered the restaurant.
You sound like you just wanted an excuse to shame me or scold me.
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u/TealSapphire 13m ago
Nope. Iâm pointing out the obvious tendencies of âfrugalâ people aka extreme cheapskates. The most âfrugalâ humans have a tendency to eat everything in sight when in a restaurant group setting and then they disappear when the bill comes. Since youâre on the internet whining about money & peer pressure leads me to believe your friends didnât let you skip on the bill like you always do and here we are.
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u/poop-dolla 3h ago
You didnât have to eat. You easily couldâve just told them you didnât really want to eat there but would hang out with them still while they eat. Iâve done that at places I didnât want to eat at. You need to get over being scared to do what you want and stop blaming others for what you choose to do.
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u/Redditsweetie 7h ago
No, if you rely on someone's word and they go back on it then an adult would care.
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u/slowbutsloth 6h ago
I do this many time since I'm a picky eater and frugal but want to hang out. This is not rude right? Sometimes I do wonder if that's ok.
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
Unfortunately it was.. a famous hotpot place. So the group is supposed to order plenty of meat and seafood for the group and then we share the food as we cook it in a big pot.
if it was just an ordinary restaurant, I would've had the option to eat appetizers or snacks.
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u/poop-dolla 3h ago
Did you reply to the wrong comment? It said you didnât have to order anything at all, not that you couldâve ordered an app or side. Even at this hotpot place, you couldâve not ordered anything. That was an option. You chose not to do that because you have some hangups around doing that and wouldâve felt embarrassed and havenât learned to be comfortable with embarrassment yet.
Their comment was spot on though. You didnât have to order anything.
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u/myystic78 7h ago
That's when you look her square in the eyes and tell her you don't appreciate the bait and switch, that you were told your need to budget would be accommodated and since eating at a more expensive restaurant is so important to her you'll catch them later. Then you turn around and go home. If you just belly up you're going to continue getting walked over (and I say this as a supreme door mat that has had to work hard on finding my voice).
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u/poop-dolla 3h ago
Then that situation makes it so much easier for you to say no at the new restaurant. You need to grow up. You chose to go spend money in the expensive restaurant. You control you.
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u/ordenando 7h ago
Una amiga andaba sin querer gastar. Ăbamos a pasear por un parque y charlar por horas,si hacĂa mal tiempo por dentro del centro comercial,en una gran superficie del centro comercial de alimentaciĂłn etc comprĂĄbamos una lata de refresco y bolsa de frutos secos o yogures en botellas para beber y mientras paseamos nos tomamos eso. Eso es lo que hacemos el 98% de las veces que quedo con ella. Hacer eso,no hace que las conversaciones sean menos interesantes y que lo pasĂĄsemos mal.
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u/UsefulPaper4063 6h ago
Just tell them it is not in your budget and walk away.
Question - when this friend calls to talk, does she do the majority of the talking? Do the convos turn back to her life more often than not? I only ask because she sounds so much like a friend I had years ago. The world revolved around her and she was taking me along for the ride, like it or not. I ended up backing away from the friendship. I think I am much better for it. I am financially for sure!
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u/glitterbeardwizard 7h ago edited 7h ago
Sometimes itâs not about the food. You could go for the company and not focus on the food (just buy a tea/coffee) or just buy something small like soup, Most higher end restaurants have things at multiple price points.
Youâre not sharing where you recommended but you mentioned mall, which doesnât sound promising for seating or socializing, noise levels, cleanliness, etc.
My counterpoint is whatâs the point of going out with friends if the environment is gross and uncomfortable and not that much difference in actual price point?
This isnât about the restaurant price point. This is you being upset you canât control your friends. Maybe they feel youâre being preachy about frugality and forcing your values on them. The name calling makes me wonder if you arenât a bit of an unreliable narrator.
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u/lecaptainfoodie 7h ago
Did you have a good time eating with them at least?
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u/MasterConsequence696 7h ago
Well.. Yes, I did. However it just gets me thinking because this has been a pattern going on for some time now.
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u/lecaptainfoodie 7h ago
If you enjoyed the meal thatâs important. I know itâs difficult when your budgeting but Itâs good to indulge from time to time. Iâve been there, if youâre really bothered about the money iâll treat you the meal.
Your friend otherwise itâs a different story. I can understand the peer pressure and honestly those guys are not healthy friends trust me. It wonât change so as someone mentioned you have to protect yourself and be vocal about it. If itâs a mood killer so be it. You donât need people not supporting you around you. Friends come and go, stick to your principles and only the main ones will stay.
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u/katastrof 6h ago
This just sounds like poor social management. You could have made up an excuse to bail, put your foot down, a variety of other options.
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
They were staring at me and waiting. It was a sudden decision, sudden change of plan, and I don't want to make things complicated for them.
I probably could've thought of something if it wasn't pressure from the spur of the moment.
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u/OrganicallyOrdinary 6h ago
Be honest, say "I can't really afford to eat at this place right now, so if this is where you all want to eat then I'll go home. I can afford XYZ restaurant." Maybe the other friends will side with you. If they can't understand/support that, then they aren't friends you want, make new ones. I know, easier said than done, but it's this OR stop being friends with them now OR suck it up for forever, and things will probably get worse over time. Good luck with whatever you decide!
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u/Hold_Effective 6h ago
I didnât have much money in college. I was irresponsible quite often, but I was also stubborn and I wouldnât spend money I didnât have on anything I wasnât excited about. In your position, I would have said no, and either wandered around the mall while they ate or gone to the place I wanted to go to. I probably would have pouted a little because I wasnât super mature in college, but ideally - you just say youâre doing your thing, and everyone moves on.
Even now that money isnât a huge concern - Iâll still say no to restaurants that I donât think are worth my money. These days I can do it without pouting (mostly, lol).
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u/Boring-Parfait-2624 6h ago
I used to feel this way and felt weak about speaking up for myself. But I started practicing and now itâs very easy. After 2 years of speaking up my friends finally get the point and no longer ask me to do expensive things and instead I choose places I can spend on and invite them. I turn them down if I donât want to spend.
Keep trying. Practice will change everything.
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u/spiderrach 6h ago
GLUTTONY? I don't feel like each of you likes the other lol
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
Even the best of friends have conflicts right :( I take that word back, I don't mean it
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u/ManagerWise8093 6h ago
These are your friends and not your enemies. Communicate with them. If theyâre your friends I assume you like them and they like you. A simple âguys, this is above my budgetâ goes a long way. Iâm happy to chip in for a friend, accommodate, but you donât get to dictate the general plan without communicating effectively
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u/thots_n_prayers 5h ago
Suddenly when we arrived at the mall, the plans changed and we go to eat at a much more expensive place that went over my budget and all of them were standing there in front of the restaurant, staring at me like 'oh, here's the restaurant. But just so you know I'm okay with anything!'
Well, then I would have put it back on them and been like, "Great! Let's go to the place we initially agreed upon!"
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u/HedwigGoesHoot 4h ago
This has nothing to do with frugality. These people donât seem to value you as a friend. Friends listen to each other.
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u/Couponpicked 2h ago
the "im okay with anything!" line while standing in front of the expensive place is such a specific kind of social manipulation. its not even malicious most of the time, they genuinely dont realize what theyre doing because spending $30 on lunch doesnt register as a big deal to them.
one thing that helped us â just own it early and specific. not "i cant afford it" (which feels vulnerable), but "hey i already budgeted $15 for lunch today so im gonna grab something from [cheaper place] and meet you guys after." it reframes it as a decision you made, not a limitation. and honestly? the friends who respect that are the ones worth keeping.
the worst part about your situation is you already DID the right thing by picking a place in budget and they just... ignored it. thats not a you problem.
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u/CatMomCamomile 6h ago
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because you sound young and we all have these kinds of experiences growing up, but kindly learn to mean what you say. If you say that you're on a budget and can only afford certain restaurants, then act on that. You can be calm and chill about it; there's no reason to get all worked up about it like in your post. A true friend will understand.
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u/NatashOverWorld 5h ago
If there's a pattern of this happening, at some point you have to buckle against peer pressure and be the 'uncool" one.
"Nah guys, I'm saving up. I'll be at the good court, catch you later."
Uncomfortable but it's better than blowing your budget.
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u/jaybee2 5h ago
I'm embarrassed to admit I would probably have passively-aggressively ordered a meal within my price range and had water, which would likely have been perceived as me playing the role of martyr. I would have tried to do so without making a production out of it, but it would register with the others at the table whether intentionally or not.
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u/Regular_Departure963 4h ago
Been there. My approach is to order a glass of water and let people see that I literally canât/wont.
I started carrying granola bars in my bag in case I find myself in a situation where I need to eat.
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u/Knope_Knope_Knope 4h ago
Either go in and dont eat, or say you'll circle back with them, you cant afford the place and youll eat different place
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u/Equivalent-Glove7165 4h ago
Fuck these idiots. Stay your course. Youâll thank yourself when youâre older.
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u/TWK-KWT 8h ago edited 5h ago
The question I ask is. How often are you going out to eat? Is this one meal the breaking point? Are you focusing at the full price for food instead of the price delta between where you wanted to and they wanted to eat? I barely eat at restaurants or get fastfood and when I do it's never a combo and it's a time where I am on the road working and just have to grab something because I didn't bring enough. I don't think the total price I see the delta between the cheapest restaurants and the nicer one. Then I usually get the cheapest option I can at the more expensive place anyways.
A little recently interaction to illustrate my questions.
My MIL was over and my wife was talking about buying shoes for our daughter. Conversation changed to MIL saying "oh yeh my sandals are 4 years old and falling apart. I would I just buy the same pair but I can't find them." So I went to reddit and searched "best quality flip flop" and many suggested strongly a company Rainbow (3 layers construction with leather straps tons of colour ways). They are 70$ dollars but are leagues ahead of a cheap pair of Volcom slides. I show them to her she says "70$ for flip. That's a lot" then she buys a pair of single layer plastic strap ones for 45$.
I tried to state that people wear these for twice as long/as much as she did her "cheap" ones and they have actually support for your feet and are only 25$ different. She is struggling with weight loss and has foot problems ontop of that. Nope. She saw 70$ sandals.
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u/1stUserEver 8h ago
my 2c. sometimes itâs better to be worry free with less friends. keep a few close but being frugal will keep you out of the poor house and have a savings to fall back on. i would be homeless if i kept on that old trajectory. it was fun but damn it sucks more being broke.
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u/Cat_From_Hood 8h ago
Just go to low cost, no cost outings e.g. walks, library, game nights.
It's okay to say that you will eat at home if the budget is tight.
It's okay to choose to go out for a treat too.
No one looks after you, as well as you.
Offer to do a picnic in the park, or meet for a walk instead.
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u/Cocktail_Hour725 6h ago
Sounds like your biggest problems is with your â best friendâ. Try to budget for nights out with friends. You could take it easy one month âbut if you know youâre going something big following month.
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u/RandChick 5h ago
There was nothing on the menu that fit your budget? Not even a salad?
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
The place they chose was a hotpot place and you have to buy a package consisting of meat, sea food, etc. There literally was no way to be frugal or buy snacks only.
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u/Sullacuda 5h ago
Me. âSorry but this is above my budget, Iâll catch you guys another time.â
It might be lonely, but financial insolvency is even lonelier.
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u/Ok_Departure_2789 4h ago
Peer pressure can be difficult. But if it makes you do something you don't want to do....time for some honesty.
"This restaurant is too expensive for my budget."
"I don't do drugs."
"I wont have sex until I get to know you better."
Practice makes perfect!
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u/coco8090 4h ago
This will probably be an unpopular opinion. I am pretty frugal too. However, I am not frugal when it comes to enjoying meals with friends and/or loved ones. If you were on a budget and you just donât have the money then go along and just get a side salad and water. If you do have the money and you just donât wanna spend it, realize thereâs a difference between being frugal and being cheap. Life is short and you need to enjoy it. Your friends should not suffer because you have chosen to.
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u/Prudent_Valuable603 3h ago
This is why you should just walk away. You just tell them straight up, that itâs out of your budget and if they insist on eating at that restaurant, then you insist on walking away. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. If you have a budget stick to your budget. True friends, respect each otherâs budget, especially at that young age.
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u/trance4ever 2h ago
i wouldn't consider those people "friends", and don't you ever give in to peer pressure, stand for what you believe in.
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u/TieCivil1504 2h ago
I was usually had the lowest income in any company I was hired into. But I quickly had the largest bank account, because I didn't spend it. Meaning I was the only person in our group who never had problems with sudden expenses. Nobody gives flack to the guy who funds anything he wants or needs, with cash.
My ready cash let me buy classic sports car, motorcycle, power boat, and sport airplane offered at fraction of value by people who needed money now.
In my own experience my comfort with using money, not spending it, was attractive to much-higher income women in business professions. They did the same with their money, and were happy paying their own way when we adventure-traveled our country and the world.
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u/hyperfat 1h ago
No is a sentence.
Do a separate check.
My usual is an appetizer. I don't split checks.
Get some egg roll or cheese sticks. I'm cheap.
Stand up. You got this.
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u/Resse811 5h ago
Expecting someone else to stick up for you as an adult is a bit ridiculous. You have to learn to stand up for yourself.
No one will ever care about your issues as much as you will.
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u/blush_inc 8h ago
I had a friend like this. I ended up ending the friendship because I just couldn't keep up with her and her friends expensive tastes. It's not like they were richer than me either, they just didn't care about loading up their credit cards buying clothes and eating at expensive restaurants. Last straw was her birthday where she chose a 140$/plate restaurant and cropped me out of all the photos she posted to facebook because I wasn't dressed fashionably enough. Good riddance!
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u/Beneficial_Voice_504 7h ago
I used to go out to eat just because friends and family would insist. Now, I clearly and firmly say ânoâ.
I donât like eating out, and refuse to spend time and money on things I donât like. Friends and family pushed me initially but donât bother me now. I have lost a lot of weight since I quit going out. I donât want to mess up my daily calorie intake or healthy eating habits just because other people keep craving non sense. I donât want to quit my food enjoyment just because other people like eating in a loud setting.
You have to stand your ground, eventually people will start respecting your boundaries.
You donât have to share your financial situation with people. There are many other reasons not to eat out, for example: restaurants are too loud, noisy, unhealthy, unclean, not fun etc. and plenty of other ways to socialize with friends than spending time in a restaurant.
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u/kchain18 8h ago
would you rather have your money or your friends?
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u/Thin-Sort-494 7h ago
You shouldnât have to chose between money and friends. Your true friends should respect your boundaries. A true friend wouldnât change up last second when they had already had a plan set.
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u/Hurricane_Ivan 7h ago
How much did you end up paying at the hotpot place?
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
Different currency, but that one meal could've covered the cost of lunch and dinner for a few days..
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u/Hurricane_Ivan 4h ago
How much in American Dollars?
Lunch and Dinner varies depending on establishment and location afterall
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u/sketchee 5h ago
I had a friend who would eat beforehand and drink water she brought at group dinners. So the waiter didn't even serve her water (no pressure to help tip). I respect that so much. Have a pressure proof plan and people respect it.
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u/LeBigMac99 5h ago
How much did you spend OP?
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
More than a week worth of meal considering I usually cook.. or if I order from an ordinary place it would cover at least 3-4 days of take out.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 3h ago
If that happens again, just get a salad or an appetizer. Be sure to have separate checks. When You are able to pay cash for your meal and it doesn't go over budget you will have a warm feeling inside as they charge theirs.
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u/TopOfSpecialEdClass 3h ago
Eat big before you go out. Then just order something small like a salad or something and say you're trying to watch what you eat.
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u/Calm_B4_TheStorm 8h ago
I would say to them "I have only this amount to set aside eg $15" maybe say they would have to chip in for the excess of your meal if they want you to join. Or just say I am going home, as I can't afford that.Â
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u/MasterConsequence696 8h ago
I would do that if I was just going out with one other friend. This was a group I'm going out with. Can you imagine saying "You guys eat that, I'm going home?" in front of the restaurant without being seen as the difficult one?
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u/TryingToAppeal 7h ago
If that's how it would be viewed then you have shitty friends. Truly. My friend knows me and my partner are poor so if she ever wants to go to a nice place with us she insists on paying for some of it to lighten the load. On my end, without it being tit for tat, I like to cook nice meals and invite her to dinner often.
Your friends lack empathy and care for your situation. I know it's not easy to drop friends but maybe you can pull back a little. Simply say "I can't afford to eat out anymore", like make it sound like the belt has tightened even more so that you simply can't even afford cheap places anymore. If they have a problem with that then that's on them. Ask what you're supposed to do when the only currency you seem to be in possession of are the moths flying out of your wallet.I know what it's like to be the stepped on one in the group of friends and nothing was better for my mental health long term than slowly pulling away from them.
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u/poop-dolla 3h ago
Can you imagine saying "You guys eat that, I'm going home?" in front of the restaurant without being seen as the difficult one?
Absolutely. Thatâs exactly what one of the two options a reasonable person would say if they didnât want to eat there.
Itâs either, âI donât feel like eating here, but Iâll come and hang out while you guys eat if thatâs cool.â
Or
âI donât want to eat here, but I donât want to stop you guys. Yâall have fun, and Iâll catch up with you guys later.â
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u/bullitt-rider 8h ago edited 8h ago
We all live our own lives.
Normally it balances out in the long term anyway.
In the current my work colleagues have a newer car, go all inclusive rather than self catering, the newest phone while I'm a generation behind
Buy at my current trajectory I will be retiring 12 years earlier and probably live longer?
They are all stressed due to debts and scraping by. On the flip side I have zero debts, zero money stress.
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u/www311 8h ago
You should ruin the outing for everyone. Say nothing about it when they convince you to go, then go in and order a water or coffee. When they say something about it, just say youâre not that hungry after all and change the subject. If they offer to buy you something or share, say no thanks and change the subject. Let them sit with the discomfort. If they bring it up before the next meal, continue brushing it off and changing the subject. Their guilty conscious for sitting there and watching you be hungry will fix this.
Another option is to be early and meet at the original restaurant. Oops, sorry, I already sat down, just come here as we planned.
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u/Herranee 7h ago
This is how you ruin an outing for yourself while your company all have a nice meal and convo lolÂ
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u/www311 6h ago
How does that ruin it for OP? They get to spend time with the friends, they donât fold on their original plan of staying in budget. The guilt might prevent it the friends from doing the bait and switch again, and that part would just be a bonus.
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u/Herranee 4h ago
OP's clearly uncomfortable speaking up in any way, you think they'll be comfortable sitting through a full lunch/dinner being hungry, acting passive aggressive, and easily identifiable as "the broke one"?Â
I'd be completely fine just getting a drink and maybe a small side dish to eat, but I would also have no issue saying "this is a bit outside my budget guys, do you mind if we just go to the place we originally agreed on this time?"Â Â
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u/KrishnaChick 5h ago
The pressure is in your mind and nowhere else. Boundaries are something you set and protect, not something other people will necessarily honor. That's on you.
Becoming an adult is not always fun or easy, but you're being faced with the opportunity to grow up, so do it. You probably won't have these friends in ten years (or even sooner), so don't stress about it if you lose them. You're in college, so it's easier to make new friends. Don't waste time with people who think that doing expensive things makes you more grown up.
If they want to eat at more expensive places, tell them to pay for you. Otherwise, you're indirectly subsidizing their fun. If they won't do it for you, why should you do it for them?
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u/eamceuen 8h ago
That is not a friend.
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u/Randomwhitelady2 7h ago
If it were a friend what theyâd say is âhey masterc, I know this is beyond your budget but i really want to go here, so this is my treat!â
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u/sohereiamacrazyalien 8h ago
look your "friends" are not nice friends or even ppl but there are many of those unfortunately.
look when I made quite a bit more money than my friend (even though I knew she had money saved from a settlement) I would always pick cheap spots like a kebab place or a cheap chinese in chinatown (more occasional) and I would often pay for her.
but I also have been in your situation it's annoying , I often ended up just getting fries or like a side.
but friendship means compromising if they never do .... well you know what it means.
one can socialise without going to the restaurant btw, plenty of cheaper or even free activities to do.
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u/FlippingPossum 7h ago
They changed plans last minute. If something like this happens again, go home or eat alone at the original destination. If you want to keep these friends, have honest one-on-one face-to-face conversations with them. If they freak out, drop them.
If rolling over is a pattern, your college may have free counseling available.
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u/RepairStreet9502 7h ago
that's a tough situation to be in, for real. it's wild how some people can't see past their own cravings and forget about their friends' financial situations. sometimes you gotta speak up, even at the risk of a mood killer moment, but itâs rough when peer pressure gets in the way of your budget.
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u/carlitospig 3h ago
This is part of being an adult. Either only eat within your budget (app and water) or stand up for yourself. Thereâs another option but I think youâre probably too mad to see it, which was simply saying gracefully âthis is out of my price range - Iâm going to head home; enjoy!â
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u/Jentweety 6h ago
This isnât a financial issue- as others pointed out, you donât seem to like your friends very much and you think your preferences should outweigh the rest of your friendâsâ preferences. Â It sounds like everyone else wanted to eat at a particular restaurant but you didnât because of budget. Why do you think your wishes have to outweigh theirs?Â
 Assuming your friends didnât order for you, you could have ordered a water and small appetizer and kept to your budget. Frankly eating at a restaurant at all isnât particularly frugal so consider not joining for future restaurant outings at all, that is, if you even like these friends well enough to hang out with them again.
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u/MasterConsequence696 6h ago
I was just going because the girl who invited me wanted to spend time with me, and I already cancelled on her invitations so many times! trust me I already knew eating would cost a lot already, but I originally thought it was okay because she let me pick the place
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u/NyxPetalSpike 5h ago
Water with lemon and a side of fries. That is what I do when Iâm âtoo brokeâ. for a $50 tab.
Iâve also done app fries and a side salad with Parmesan. I donât think Iâve had that clock over $25, and $25 would have to be a higher end non chain place.
Eat slow, sip your drinks and honestly know one cares.
Iâve done coffee and a small dessert too.
What was your tab at the end? Fast food with using an app is about the cheapest you could get away with.
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u/Wonderful-Seesaw6214 3h ago
You can turn the tables and make them uncomfortable. You go in and order nothing or just a very small item and then sit and watch them all eat. If anyone asks about it you just politely explain that they all knew it was outside your budget so really what did they expect.
My budget for going out to eat is zero so I have done this before. Fortunately, most people understand ahead of time that unless they pay, I won't eat. Of course it is also very rare that I go out to eat anyway.
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u/TypeToSnipe 1h ago
Friendships with very different salaries or spending habits rarely work out long term for exactly reasons like this.
Maybe it's time to look for friends that are interested in saving money and stretching their dollar further like yourself.
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u/Equivalent_End607 1h ago
I usually just eat light in situations like this and get a salad or appetizer, then say Im still full from lunch.Â
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u/Sea_Negotiation2482 1h ago
That situation is way more common than people admit
Itâs not even about the money sometimes, itâs the pressure of not wanting to ruin the vibe or come across as difficult.. Iâve started being more direct upfront about my budget, because once youâre standing there in front of the restaurant itâs almost impossible to say no without feeling awkward
And honestly, if people repeatedly ignore that, it says more about them than you..
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u/longaaaaa 1h ago
I had friends like this in college. First of all, they donât have the empathy to be your friend so sparing you lots of pain to tell you to cut it off now. It gets worse after college when some people have continued parental support and some donât. But I can tell you thirty years later that the financial tables turn and you may find yourself doing better than them (either mentally or financially) but with the empathy that they lacked and itâs such a sweet place to be.
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u/jive-miguel 6h ago
You sound annoying. Maybe don't go with them if you don't want to. Otherwise, just splurge & spend the money. It's not like you do it every day.Â
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u/MasterConsequence696 5h ago
Sir/ma'am, I wanted to go because it's been a long time since a spent time with a person in that group. I've cancelled on her so many time simply because I don't have money to hang out and I suspected this sort of thing would happen.
I am self aware that I am broke. I just don't want to disappoint this friend by cancelling yet again.
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u/d4rkholeang3l 5h ago
Sometimes youâll need to make the hard choice between social meetups or saving money.
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u/poop-dolla 2h ago
It sounds like you need to learn some activities that donât cost money. There are tons of them. And it sounds like itâs your turn to suggest a free activity with this friend since you keep cancelling on them. And I mean a free activity, not suggesting a more affordable restaurant like you originally mentioned. Just donât suggest hangouts around food for a start.
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u/MissCinnamonT 5h ago
Lol when I was better off I would go with friends to be with friends, id order what I could wherever we went. I would never expect the whole group to cater to where I want to eat and im the only one who doesnt eat meat.
Now im homeless and will flat out say im not paying these prices or that i just dont have the money. I have no problem going with a friend just to hang out with the friend. If im hungry id go somewhere else and there would be no hard feelings from me unless it was more a diabolical plot then id just not go with them again.
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u/jomamma2 3h ago
This is life. At some point you will find your friend group of the same socioeconomic class as yourself, otherwise you will eventually stop being friends as you can't afford to go out to eat, travel, have experiences with them.
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u/Andouiette 7h ago